Sep 27, 2010

Sept 1 - I want to know what I want

I don't know what I want in life. I'm 22 years old, am I supposed to know? I feel like such a child. No, I feel like I'm in limbo. Like I'm somewhere in the middle trying to find my way out, not sure where to go. I miss being a child, yes. I miss being so naive, thinking that life was, in fact, that simple. I miss the innocence and ignorance... but I'm looking forward to my own life! I'm looking forward to doing my own thing, my own way. I'm looking forward to building a life where I'm comfortable, where I learn so many new things, where I'm happy. Sounds easy, right?


I'm 22 and I have no idea what I want to be "when I grow up." I know what I'm interested in. I know what I love doing and what fascinates me. Does that count as "knowing"? I want to work in the film industry. There, I said it.

My dream is to work behind the cameras. I want to do the animation, lighting, special effects etc behind the scenes. I want to do the set design, costume design and even the make-up. What can I say? It's what I love, it's what interests me.

Have I done anything towards reaching that dream?

No, I havent. Not yet, that is.

According to my blunt and honest family, I'll never make it. Yes. Feel the love. According to them it's a very tough and competitive industry to get into. Yes, I know it is. Yes, I know a lot of people don't make it, or don't make money doing it. But don't you think it's a bit unfair to judge me or condemn me before I've even tried?

The reason I mention my family here is because they are the ones funding my studies for me. More accurately - my grandmother. But because of this fact, I cannot choose what I want to study. I mean, I can, just as long as it's in the line of the work I'm in at the moment. Administration. Data capturing. Warehousing. Logistics.

Does any of that sound creative to you?

Not even close. Believe me.
I like what I do. I just don't love what I do. I don't see myself doing this for the rest of my life. I see my spirit dying if I carry on like this. I see my flame burning out, staying where I am. Don't you see? I'm far from being happy. I'm far from being ME.

So my plan behind the plan is this - I'm going to study what I have to study, do what I have to do, to make them happy too. It never hurt to have more on your CV, especially if it's paid for. By studying more, I'll achieve more. By achieving more, I'll earn more. And by earning more, I'll save more.

I'll pay for my own studies. Someday. I'll study what I want, where I want. I'll work hard and I'll do it myself. They say the biggest motivation is when people tell you that you can't do it. I tend to agree. Difference is - I'll do it my way, and on my own time. Good thing. I hope. I think...

Meanwhile... What? How?
I don't know where to go from here. I wish someone had all the answers for me, I wish it was that simple. But it's not. It never is. They don't teach you sh!t like this in school. They don't teach you about life.


Raj said...

film industry. as what? actress?
normally i would encourage you. but not here. getting to the film thing requires
1 a rich dad
2 contacts
3 the ability to forget morals

you i hope and know have neither.
and you could try. :)

but you were forewarned. :P :P :P
and being interested isnt wanting

Maryx said...

Oh no! Not an actress!
I'm interested in the behind-the-scenes of the film industry. The set design, the special effects, the animation! I'd give anything to do it every day! =)

Raj said...

then donto dare let anything stop you. not many people can do that.
and you want to do that whihc is an achievemnt in itself :)