Mar 30, 2010


I've started studying. Business Administration Management. I'm SO proud of myself. It's just a short course. 15 Weeks. But I know I have to work really hard to make this happen. Many people are depending on me to get through this. It's a bit scary. It's a bit overwhelming. But I think I can do it. I KNOW I can do it! I'm positive and curious and hard-working. That's good, right?

Wish Me Luck Blogosphere? =D

I feel like a lost Fart

I'm a bit confused... I'm a bit speechless... I'm a bit under-emotional... Sounds weird doesn't it? I don't know quite how to explain it. But for the first time when someone says 'I love you more', I believe them. I know I have a lot of love to give. I know I have a lot of myself and my happiness and so much more to give. Problem is, I think I've run out. For the time being at least. I feel empty. Not depressingly empty, just... empty. Like I feel almost nothing. I don't miss anyone. I don't regret anything. I don't want to do much of anything. I don't feel like laughing and I don't feel like crying either. I feel almost nothing.

Is this normal?

Okay... let me come clean. Gerhard is back in my life. He's doing outstandingly well in getting me back into his life and making me feel loved and all that jazz. He has closed his back doors and started out clean with me. He's really giving it his all. He might even be moving closer to where I live. But... But what?! I don't know. I know I care for him. A lot. I think I love him. With my emotions playing roller coaster with me lately... or rather... not playing AT ALL... I'm so unsure. I know we've been through a lot. To be honest, I think I've kind of closed myself off to him and everyone else. Maybe it's like a defense mechanism? After the way he hurt me.. and some other people hurt me.. maybe I'm kind of protecting myself? Maybe I still need to 'de-frost'. If you know what I mean?

I feel like a lost fart!

Mar 29, 2010

Pencil Sketches - Maryke Pretorius

I copied this picture. Making it a pencil sketch. It's actually a photograph. If anyone knows where I can find the original, please tell me. I seem to have lost it. I particularly like this one, as I seem to have captured the emotion on this boys' face. As well as the details. I'm quite proud of myself...

Art by: Maryke Pretorius

Graphic Ramblings

Memories: Seaside Trip to Illovo and Surrounding Areas

I think it was in 2004 that I went on a trip to Kwazulu-Natal with my then-boyfriend, Roald. His parents went camping in Illovo every year with their caravan. That year, they had invited him and I and of course his brother to go with them. They even got an extra tent for me to sleep in so I'll have my privacy. How nice? Yeah, I guess. The memories I have of that holiday are pretty vague but I can tell you that I DO remember the places we went to and the things we saw. And of course some things we did as well... =) He took me on a trip up and down the coast over a course of about 3 or 4 days, if I remember correctly.

Some of the places were Balito, Umdloti, Amanzimtoti, Shelly Beach, Uvongo, Scottburgh, Hibberdene, Port Shepstone, Margate, Port Edward, Umkomaas, Ramsgate and of course Illovo. Beautiful places I can tell you that! Each with its own unique South African charm to it. It was December summer holidays so of course there were lots of places to visit and lots of vacationers everywhere. All the places were busy and very humid, as Natal is known to be.

At Illovo... we didn't go to the beach that often, as the sand there was extremely hot and very fine. No escaping it. We spent a lot of time at the resorts pools though. Playing volleyball in the pool with random people, drinking cocktails and lounging in the sun. There was also this adorable tea-garden close by that made delicious lunches... We even went to eat at the grand hotel around the corner one night when the had the most divine Buffet spread. The hotel, of course, have unbelievable air cons inside, so it's very comfortable. But once you set foot outside the air con swinging doors, it feels like someone just through a very hot duck-down comforter over you and expects you to cuddle in high temperatures when you want to rip your clothes off.
Side Note: DO NOT attempt to do the hanky panky on this beach... Bad idea. I got sand in places I didn't know I had!

At Balito... we walked around in the myriad of little shops along the seashore and spent some time in a cute little cocktail bar overlooking the beach. We went swimming there, of course. In Balito, they have a little Tidal Pool where the kids usually swim because it's safer, it looks like a swimming pool during low tide. But on this particular day there was almost nobody there. It was heavenly. And quite romantic if I remember correctly...
Side Note: Doing the hanky panky in sea water is more interesting than you may think.

The day we went to Shelly Beach was a bit of a rainy day so we spent our time in the mall and a restaurant. Amanzimtoti was the same... but I'm going there this weekend again so I'll def report on that when I get back! =D

I practically grew up in
Umdloti so I didn't let him miss that pit stop. I love Umdloti. It's like a serene little town in the middle of nowhere. Or that's how it always felt for me. My family used to have a holiday home in Umdloti, but my grandparents sold it a couple of years back. I WASN'T impressed. As you might imagine. Some of my most treasured childhood memories involve Umdloti. Roald and I didn't spend much time there, but we did get ourselves a cold drink and took a walk on The beach. I just couldn't resist. We even went exploring on the rocks. Not for long though, as the tide was coming in. It's amazing how much smaller the place had gotten since I was a little girl. Makes sense though, I was much smaller in size. As well as the fact that some pretty big Equinox Waves hit Umdloti at some point after my childhood, of course. The beaches are literally much smaller now than it used to be. Disturbing really.
Side Note: The 'Beach Beach Shop' by the tidal pool is AWESOME and the restaurant next door makes delicious pizza!

We drove through Margate and Ramsgate one day and stopped at the famous Pistols Saloon & Wild West Museum to have some lunch. And is this place nice?? Wow, I really enjoyed it and I remember it 'till today! The food is great, the music is great and the service is fast and reliable. I also remember there being a donkey that would just walk into the pub and steal your beer. (Which would be replaced for you, of course). As well as an ostrich and a huge pot-belly pig who already looked drunk and passed out. I can't wait to check it out again someday!

Uvongo was one of my favorite pit stops. The main beach is in the little alcove where a river and a small little waterfall flows into the ocean. The pool where the waterfall falls into is big, dark and beautiful. Very mysterious as well. But there were people everywhere. I found the waterfall pool extremely interesting and didn't even spend time in the waves that day... Roald and I floated around together for hours on end.
Side Note: Do Not try and check how deep the waterfall pool is... I don't think your breath is long enough. It's REALLY, REALLY deep.

"South Africa's spectacular Drakensberg escarpment is a 200-kilometre-long world heritage site which stretches from the north western border of Kwazulu Natal to the Tugela Region in the south. Originally referred to as the "Dragon Mountains" by early settlers, to the Zulu's living in the east the rock formation resembled a row of spears so they called it 'Ukhahlamba', meaning Barrier of Spears. Today, it is affectionately known to locals as the 'Berg'. "

After our seaside stay, we all headed to the spectacular Drakensberg Range where we stayed in the caravan and myself in my tent once again. The second day there, Roald and I went for a walk into the reserve. It's absolutely awe-inspiring, believe me! Thing is, we didn't actually prepare for a very long walk. We were dressed in our swimming costumes and some clothes thrown over it. We had one towel with us and we were wearing flip-flops. Bad idea. Believe me. We ended walking miles and miles and miles that day. I'm not kidding!

We went up with what they called the crack in the mountain and down what they called the Mud-Slide. It was an extremely strenuous hike for us today, especially the way we were dressed. We had no water bottles or food with us and ended up drinking the ice-cold, fresh water of the mountain streams we found. We took a swim here and there and even a shower under a waterfall. I was almost hysterical that day, going down a cliff with only a rope-ladder and nothing to support me and sliding down muddy rocks and walking miles up and down HUGE hills. Roald and I had a fight or two. But in the end, it was so Magical... Roald was really supportive and helped me everywhere he could. He made it special and he even made me stronger to endure all of that. I think back now... and I'll do it over any day I can! It was awesome!

Of course, once we got back to the campsite we were STARVING. His parents left to go back home that day and we ended up staying another night, sharing the tent they left us =D ... We went to the only shop we could find close by and bought ourselves some chicken, buns, charcoal and firelighters. We had a Weber Grill in his car and ended up braai'ing (BBQ) the chicken and eating it on the buns, with just a bit of Ketchup. Heehee! Turned out to be tons of fun though.

Later that night, with no light for us to see with whatsoever, it started raining and we just cuddled up until morning. It was amazing, strange enough. Lying in the dark, most likely with insects everywhere, but not worrying one bit, listening to the sounds of raw nature and the soft rain... Sore and tired (from the previous day's 'exercise') we headed back home the following day. On our own time, of course.

Mar 26, 2010

Makes Me Think...

I just came across the most thought-provoking, inspiring website I've seen in a long time...

MMT Stories - Make Me Think Stories.

Please, do yourself a favor and spend a couple of minutes there when you can. I've spent about two hours there already. In between my work, of course. I've been driven to tears, laughter and awe with the short stories on MMT. Please, do YOURSELF the favor and check it out. You won't regret it.

Mar 25, 2010

Graphic Ramblings

A Sad Story

Second Chances

What constitutes a second chance? What makes you deserve it or not deserve it? I think it totally depends on what you did. Sorry to say but some things are just completely unforgivable. Correct me if I'm wrong please. I just think that it depends on each and every person as an individual to decide if they can handle certain things, situations and people in their lives. Again. Because that's what a second chance is all about. If you let someone into your life, again, but you're not willing to let the past go... What's the point? I realize that nothing will ever be the same again, most likely. But that's just the thing... if you're willing to work on it and make it even better that's awesome. But if you can't let go of the past (because honestly, you'll never forget it) things will just run full circle and probably play out the same way it did the first time.

Some things just have to flushed out of people's lives. You have negative people and negative situations everywhere. What's the point in keeping it in your life? As much as it hurts... What's the point? What does it get you except negativity and more pain and tears and who knows what else?! Clearly I'm getting carried away here. =)

So what do you think are your limits for giving someone or some situation a second chance? Do you think people can honestly and effectively change who and what they are/were? I'm sure it's possible. Just not always plausible.


Ain't that the truth? But not all people catch the clue.
When I'm silent, I tend to think. The same as when I blog, I guess. I think up sh!t to write but in the end all of it make sense to me. And that's all that matters. I have so much stuff in my head that it's quite a relief when I can get it out on my blog. Even if no one listens/reads. It's for me isn't it? =) I just don't always know how to say things so I just leave it completely. I just keep quiet. Good thing or bad thing? I don't know.

I always try and see all sides of a matter. I just don't always succeed. I find some things harder to understand than other's. Obviously. Isn't everyone like that? And that's when I go silent. I think. I wonder. I try to make sense of it all. I don't always succeed though.

Can I turn (old) love into friendship?

How are you?

When someone asks you "How are you?", how do you respond? Do you reply by saying "I'm fine thanks and yourself?" or "I'm alright" or "Good thank you" ?? Are your answers ever truly what you mean? If you are having a horrible day and your boss is on your case because they're having a horrible day or because finances are tight or the kids are making you mad or someone or something is making you stress or worry or whatever... do you still say "I'm fine thank you" ? Of course you do. Well, most of the time. And depends on who's asking I guess. It's natural for all of us. We don't want the world to know we're suffering or we're sad or depressed or stressed. We want the world to think we're fine. By why? Maybe by doing so we try and make ourselves believe that we're fine. Isn't that so?

I think in many cases it is. We hide so much from the world, from our family, our friends. We want to deal with it ourselves. I'm definitely guilty of this. I do it all the time. Whereas most of the time in the strangest of moods or worrying about this or that. I think I want to make myself believe everything is fine, even if it's just to get through another day. Because tomorrow will be better. Right?

I read the nicest email the other day... about a guy who's car breaks down and his boss comes to help him and she takes him home. When they get to his home, he invites her in for coffee. And as they walk towards the front door, the guy stops at a small tree in front of his house and touches a couple of the leaves and branches one by one before he heads into the house. After coffee, he sees his boss out the door and, hardly containing her curiosity, she asks the man what on earth he was doing with the plant before he entered the house? He told her that the tree, in fact, was a worry tree. He comes home every day and leaves his worries and problems hanging on the tree outside his home for God to take care of because, he says, those worries and problems do not belong in his home with his wife and children. He just wants happiness there. And every morning when he walks out the door, he stops and collects his worries and problems off the tree again to try and deal with it during the day. Strange thing is... there are always less of them in the morning than he remembers leaving there the night before.

How cool is that? That God deals with your worries and problems while you're asleep? While you're loving and hugging your family? I think this is how it should be, really. Because honestly, what are those worries and problems going to bring you except strife? They weigh you down and makes your home life strained. Don't you agree? That's just my opinion.

Although, I do worry sometimes if I don't maybe have the Ostrich Syndrome. That's what I call it. Or Head-in-Hole syndrome. Get it? It's as if I put my head in a hole and hope for the best. I just hope my problems and issues and worries will magically disappear. I know it's terrible. And I know it doesn't solve anything. But it makes me feel better, believe me. Just don't do what I do. Bad idea.

Good thing is... I'm getting out of that hole now. I'm really starting to deal with my issues, worries, problems and wants head-on. I'm really going to work for what I want. And in doing that I will deal with a lot of my issues and my problems as well. Ain't that the life?! Heehee!

Do you do what I do? How do you deal with it?

27 Things most girls don't know...

Click to enlarge

Mar 24, 2010

Graphic Ramblings

My Karmic Alignment...

Maryke, Your Karmic Alignment is: Optimistic!

Score: 12 In general, you tend to create poitive actions. You have a caring personality which gives you positive Karma. Every now and then you slip up and harvest negative Karma. But, all in all, you follow lines similar to the Monks on their way to enlightenment.

I love... - 31/01/2005

Clearly, I was in love. I think I wrote this for Roald as well. Scary sh!t.

I love looking at you
I love touching you
I love to see you smile
I love your laughter
I love hearing you sing silly love songs
I love you ...

I love waking up in your arms
And falling asleep with your naked
body next to mine.
I love hearing your voice, reassuring me
and telling me you care.
I love doing things for you, you do
so much for me every day.
I love being yours, and I love to
hear you speak of me, using me array of 'names'.
I love so much about you that paper
and pen is not enough to try and
explain the connection we share.

But most of all - I love you ...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

I ask again... - 29/05/2005

I wrote this in 2005 when Roald's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He didn't have long to live. And died soon after. I guess I was a bit emo. Or something of the sort. I don't know. Makes sense though...

Dear Lord, I ask again - Why?! The man is so young and full of life, He's your child yet you make him suffer. I don't hate you for it, I've learned my lesson and I want to thank you , Lord, for touching my life in such a way. I believe in you Lord. I believe you've got a plan for us all...

Yet I have to ask "Why?!"
I still can't understand, Lord, why he has to suffer and die. Why you let this happen to his family, the people who love him, including me. But I'm stronger than they are, Lord, you made sure of that with my grandfather, but they don't know this pain! Yet you drop it on them so suddenly and fast.

Is that why you put me in this position? to be strong for them and get them through this okay? I'd love to know, Lord. What is my purpose here? 'Cause I know that somehow you've got a plan for all of us. Thank you for letting me see you light willingly, Lord...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

For Once in Your Life - 10/04/2006

Another piece about Roald. Hahahahahahaha!! Clearly I just about LOST it here. It's so funny, and strange, reading about my past and recalling the memories. And to think I wrote it. Weird. Clearly I was starting to notice here that things were going south. Quickly. Funny stuff...

For once in your life, would you try to be a man? For once in your life, would you try to be my man? Would you try to behave and do things right for once? Would you try to be responsible and let me know if you wanna go fcuking around all night?

For once in your life, would you call me back?
For once in your life, would you care to be there when I need you? Would you try to understand that all this screaming is your own fault? Would you someday come to notice that you fcuk it up this way?

Not it's not okay! No, I don not understand!
No, you cannot go there! Don't you see?
I love you, yet I feel like I wanna kill you!
Why do you do this?
Why do you act so unfair?

When I do it, there's sh!t.
But when you do it, it's suppose to
Be fine with me. Well, IT'S NOT!

Author: Maryke Pretorius

Ouch - 16/06/2005

Another piece I wrote about Roald in 2005. Clearly, we had issues. I look back on what I wrote and years later, and now that I know everything about what happened back then, I realize how he succeeded in manipulating me. Time and time again. It was always my fault. It was me doing something wrong. Meanwhile he was playing me like... like... Oh I don't know! Meanwhile he was standing behind the same door and more. Unbelievable really. But believe it. I lived it. Thank goodness I got off easy on that one. It could have been a lot worse. I know that. I was never my fault in the end. It was never ME doing things wrong around every corner. He just made me believe it was. And broke me down to nothing.

I'm only sixteen love, only sixteen!
I'm so young and so stupid, and so full of sh!t.

So how can you love me? The way I am?

I sometimes think you're out of your mind, you have to be,

To still be stuck with me! What am I to you?

The love of your life? But how? Why me?

There have been so many before me, so many you've

Loved so dearly and deeply, that also make you think

It's for real. But in the end you chose to be stuck with me,

To forgive me! How do you do it?

Can I tell you a secret? There are things that have driven us

Apart that I've done wrong, that I don't think was worth it in the end.

All the lies about Fanie long ago, all the stories that are so

Ridiculous to me, they all reached your ears and reached your heart.

In the end I created it, but it was still only stories love!
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if it just comes

naturally to fuck up my own relationships and to lose the ones
I love the most, in the end. But why???
How the hell do I do it without even realizing it?!

The age old excuse of "It's not you, it's me"... it doesn't work,

And I know it. Don't bother telling me over and over again.

But you know what? It's true. It really is just me.

I guess I've got a lot of growing up to do, even though I might

not always think so. I'm young and I'm stupid and for some
fucking reason I find it easy to fuck up the precious things in my life.
And I don't know why!! But baby, I want so badly for you to know

That I'm sorry and that this all going to stop, that I'm going
to stop being so utterly stupid all the time and that I only want

the best for you! But how?

I can't stand to tell you all this while I know you don't believe a word

I'm saying, while you sit there with history in your head
About what I did and think it will never stop and that I'll

just keep doing it to you time and time again. I don't know anymore!!
Just like you don't know anymore. I'm so emotionally
drained because of all this, and I'm not blaming you at all, I'm

blaming myself. I hate myself. So think about this, it's not just you
who has to take time to forgive me, I have to forgive myself.
And it's harder than you may think, I've got a lot to think about.

So sorry my love

For being hopelessly me!

Author: Maryke Pretorius

Blind - 31/03/2005

I wrote this in 2005 while dating Roald. And yes, now that I look back I can't believe I let myself fall into that trap. I can't believe I lost myself and gave up so much for a guy, and I was so young! Let's just say... I was young and stupid. Roald and I didn't exactly have the perfect relationship. Obviously. He was paranoid, possessive and jealous. Urgh! But, as I always say... never regret something that made you happy once. You learn something out of every bad situation. He taught me a lot, for sure.

How do you change the past when something bad has happened? I bed you'd want to change the past when you did something stupid that affected something serious in your life. I bet you'd want to change your surroundings sometimes, the things you did and said.

I want to change my stupid actions, it's affected my relationship a lot and I know it's going to take a while to redeem myself. I've already tried so hard, but it's not hard enough.
What else can I do?
I've offered up my whole life to him, I've alienated myself to almost everyone I know. My friends accuse me of hiding away and not being myself anymore. I suppose they're right...

But I do it all for him, he just doesn't realize it. How can I make him see? He's so blind, really. He doesn't see me as I am; he takes me for granted and expects me to always be there for him. And you know what? I will always be there for him, stupid me!

He's changed me a lot, and I hate it. My bubbly personality is gone, my care-free nature, everything. I'm different, very different. And it's all for him... I can't lead my usual life anymore, he's taken control of me and he's made me afraid. Afraid of going somewhere and being wrongfully accused of something I didn't do, like all the other times.

He's accused me of cheating when I haven't. He's accused me of becoming a lesbian when I haven't. I wonder if he has a guilty conscious...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

What make me happy??

Hillbilly Duhn gave me a great idea for a post, where she rants and raves about her new underwear purchase and her purple strap-on... =)
I am a very easy person to please. Clearly so is Hillbilly Duhn. I have a whole range of things that make me happy as a hummingbird on speed. Choose them right and you're my best friend. Or more...
  • Chocolate (Obviously)
  • Cream Cheese
  • Cookies
  • Sweet Chili Sauce
  • Assorted cheeses
  • Peppadews
  • Crayons
  • Blank paper/books
  • Books (to read)
  • Colored pens
  • Pencils
  • Sharpener
  • Eraser
  • Stickers
  • Pretty paper
  • Pretty bows and ribbons
  • Scrap booking accessories
  • Underwear (Panties AND Bra's)
  • Cozy blankets and pillows
  • Anything Disney
  • Avocado (especially when its mushed up and put on a sand which. You just add salt and lemon juice, in the right quantities of course, and I'm sorted!)
  • Real butter
  • Fresh, warm bread
  • Biltong / DroĆ«wors
  • Cats
  • A soothing cup of coffee
  • Hugs & Kisses
  • The Ocean
  • Flowers
  • Sitting by a fire in the open, dark bush
  • Braaivleis
  • Cornbread (Mieliebrood)
  • Pumpkin Fritters (Pampoenkoekies)
  • Entertaining friends and family
  • Swimming
It really IS the simplest things in life that get me happy and bouncy and twirly whirly. I promise you, I look like a little girl on Christmas morning.

What makes YOU happy dear readers?

Mar 23, 2010

FART - Dedicated to Hillbilly Duhn!

It is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
poisonous cloud.

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
to sound like a song...

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while...

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
a fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true -
We must never forget...
Sweet farts like you!