August 5 - He's like a drug to me... My own personal brand of Heroin

I don't know what it is about him. He's so addictive. I miss him. I want him. I've had him. I have him. I don't know how to handle it all, but I'm trying. It's scary to just give it up. It's scary to just let go. It's scary to just give in.

I know I like him. I know I love him. Have been for 4 years now. Then why can't I just give in? I know he likes me. I know he loves me. Have been for 4 years now. Then why can't he just give in? We're not in a relationship. But we might as well be. Everything is there. The time we spend together. The things we do for each other. The excitement. The love. The kissing. The touching. The intimacy. All of it. I trust him. I think. I don't trust all the people in his life. The friends. The girls.

I'm trying. I see it as... I don't want to go into a relationship without knowing what I want and need, without all the trust, with all the issues and baggage I have. I want to go into a relationship knowing that it's exactly what I want and that I'm ready. I want to know that I trust that person and that we know what we want from each other and from our relationship. What we expect... Am I asking too much?