I wrote about a dear friend of mine about a year ago, his name is Michael. No, not my amazing blogging friend Michael, a different one. We used to be friends for years. We used to be really, really close. But we lost contact and we went our separate ways. No fighting. No funny business. We just lost touch with each other. I suppose it needed to happen. Some things just come to an end. We didn't exactly fight it or anything.
I didn't mention it on here... but I saw Michael again, a couple of month ago, at a club. Seriously, one of those rare night that I go out to a club, dancing and partying with friends, and I end up bumping into random people, like him. One minute I was dancing, the next I was in his arms and he was dipping me low to the ground. I almost punched him, to be honest. I was single, of course, and having anyone doing that to me was a far cry from normal.
It was nice seeing him, though he had changed somewhat. He wasn't really the Michael I remembered. Either that, or I didn't know what a douche he was back then. He went and got me a drink and we did a bit of catching up. He is in a relationship, has been for a long time, but the girlfriend wasn't out with him. He was out alone, with his friends, flirting with other girls. In that sense, he hadn't changed much. Later that evening, he asked me if he could come home with me because the friend whose house he was supposed to spend the night at, dropped him. I said yes, of course. I'm nice like that. I asked my mother and she didn't have much of a problem either. What bothered me, was that he really wanted to go home once I had said it was okay for him to come over. I didn't think too much of it, though. But of course, when we got home, he pushed me down on the bed and tried to get romantic with me. He started kissing me and touching me. I pushed him off of me, without much effort as I'm sure he was drunk, and confronted him. What was he trying to do?!
His answer? He missed me. He missed the way it was and the things we did. He missed being with me.
He has a girlfriend that he shares a home with. He's 'committed'. But he wants me? I wasn't falling for it. I tried reasoning with him. I even made him coffee and tried talking to him. We talked alright, but he couldn't keep his hands off me. He tried to jump me every chance he got. He didn't stay very long after that. His friends started phoning him and asking him to come over, and I let him go. Thankful that I didn't need to be the mean one and chase him out of my house when 'he has nowhere else to go without driving 60km home', even though I wanted to do it, badly.
Thinking back... he's changed yes. But he's still the same lying, cheating scumbag that he was back then. I loved him, as a friend loves another, but he really wasn't a nice guy to the girl's in his life. The ones who weren't just friends. I had perks. He had perks. I got Michael, without the issues, and vice versa. It's terrible to think of, but that's what it was. We didn't 'cheat' on each other, we didn't hurt each other, we were just there. Friends. I wish I could have done more to make him a better person, but I tried, I remember that. You can only lead a donkey to the water... you can't make it drink. Horrible truth.
It's amazing how you can see a person through rose colored glasses for so long... and then one day - it's like the bubble pops and it's gone. You come to grips with reality. Nobody is perfect.
I've been working like a crazy person because we've had stock take and an international audit come through our warehouse this month. We distribute medical products so it's extremely important that we get good ratings. I have been dealing with no Gerhard and now Gerhard being back. I have been through friends problems with them and family drama as well. Not complaining though...
That's a difficult question to answer. I get the point. I really do. But then.. it's like my co-worker just argued - people tell you that drugs are bad and horrible, and it's the truth, but then how will you really know if you don't try/test it yourself?
Probably a bunch of illegal stuff! Urrrmmmm... what a question huh? Makes Me Think!
I love this question... there is so much room for debate! So much room for selfishness and sin! Hahahaha! Is it wrong that I find that intriguing? I asked this question to a few people and I got some interesting answers. It's as if secret desires come to light in their answers. One girl friend of mine would leave her current boyfriend, and ask her ex (and first love) to run away with her, and she'd definitely sleep with him too! Another girl friend wants to run around completely naked. A guy friend would do anything and everything... look up girls skirts, eat tons of food, steal a few cars, stuff like that.
A few of my co-workers answers included spending the day sleeping with a certain famous South African singer, becoming a prostitute for a day, telling people exactly what they think of them, in a bad way, resigning and laughing about it. One woman wants to pull her ex-husbands prostate and manliness out through his d*** and kick his girlfriend where it matters. Hard.
I've come across answers like robbing a bank, stealing a fast car and speeding around with it, having sex with a certain someone (usually someone they can't have), going wild and probably getting arrested or killed in the process. It's amazing what people can come up with on short notice!
I am the scared, silly, random girl trying to get through life just like everyone else. I try my best to stay positive and I succeed in it, most of the time. I want what everyone wants I guess. I try to appreciate the small thing and to look at the world in a different way. I try to think outside the box. I try to keep myself happy. I try to help people around me, as much as I possibly can. I am me, and I'm growing and changing every single day. Just like you are. We don't even realize it.
Thinking back... When I was a teenager, the people and most of the friends in my school didn't know the real me. They didn't know what I was up to when I left those school hallways. They didn't know about my drinking and smoking and the guys in my life. They thought I was the good girl. And I'm glad about that. They labeled me in their own way, and I didn't care. Now, grown up, I'm labeled as the strong one. I'm labeled as the easy-going friend. I'm labeled as the comforter. I'd like to think those things are true, but then again... I'm also thought to be very promiscuous. I'm thought to have the guys streaming after me. I'm thought to be over-sexed, or something of the sort.
They think they know me, but they don't. Thing is... I'm not going to let it get to me.
I mentioned previously that Gerhard has come back into my life. On his own. Again. He wants to start over. He wants to wipe the slate clean. He came over on the 18th of March to talk to me. We spent the night talking about the past. I could ask him all the questions I wanted and he was honest with me. He asked me some questions too, and I gave him all the answers.
He spent the rest of the (long) weekend at my house. He went out with me. He ran errands with me. He slept next to me. He spoiled me. I loved it, but it was scary. It was really, really scary. I was kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop... I think I still am. Does that sound horrible? I hope not.
There are some answers he gave me that I didn't like. At all. There are some things he said that confused me and/or upset me, which only led to more questions. He answered them, though. He didn't get mad. He got only slightly worked up. We didn't fight and yell at each other, at all. How refreshing. He said it's my decision to make, whether we try and build a relationship or not. He also said that he's devoted to me and only me and that he will be completely honest with me. He explained to me how he had sorted himself out and the things he learned about himself and about me. He shared with me what had happened between himself and his ex. He told me about one of his ex-girlfriends' being 'just a friend' of his, to this day, and that he will prove it me in any means possible. He wants to see if we can work things out and build a relationship, a future, together.
It scares the living daylights out of me.
Why? Because I had accepted the fact that he's gone. I had moved on and I had accepted that he had too, and that he wasn't coming back. I let go of him, as hard as it was. It was the only way. I didn't contact him, I tried to keep him off my mind, and in some way, I succeeded. Then... he came back. I keep thinking of that saying, you know the one? If you let someone/something go and they come back to you, it's meant to be yours, but if they never do, it was never yours to begin with. Or something of the sort. Do you think it's true? Maybe. Maybe not. I like to think it is.
For the rest of the weekend I tried processing what we talked about. For the rest of the week I tried making sense of the situation I'm in. I'm still wondering... and I told him that. I'm scared to trust again. I'm scared to let him in. It's not that I can't, I know I can. I can forgive. I can start over. I do love him. I never stopped. I'm just... really, really scared. I don't want the same thing to happen over and over again. I won't even be able to blame it on anyone, but myself. If I let myself trust him. If I let myself believe in him. In us. And if it back fires on me like it has before? What then? What if...?
Oh, how I despise those words!!
I want to let go. I want to give in. I want this time to be real. I can't deny, if anyone asked (I hope no one does), that in my heart of hearts, that place where I don't let anyone in, hardly even myself, I believed that he would return to me. I believed it, just like I believe in love. Maybe that was one of the reasons that I was okay. I knew that he had to make the decision himself. And I let him. I let him take all the time he needs. But now that he has... I guess I didn't quite expect it to be within a months' time. Is that even normal? Is that even ... possible? I'm not complaining, I guess it's a good thing, it just seems so fast. For such a big decision.
It's times like this I want to just believe in love and just go with it. I don't want to be damaged and scared. I don't want to be careful. I just want to make it work. Like it's supposed to.
How can I choose? There are a lot of days I would love to relive. Days I spent with my grandfather. Days I spent with my great-grandmother. Days I spent with the whole family! Days I spent, just my mom and I, doing things together. Lazy days. Days I experienced so many things. Days I will never forget and days I already have. Days with friends long gone and days we won't get to share again, or that often. Days with him. Days by the ocean. Happy days. Fun days. Because nobody wants to relive a sad day... do they?
There is so many inspiring things online how am I supposed to narrow it down? Lately I've been inspiring myself by coming across more and more arts and crafts tutorials, printable fun, crafts for kids and even recipes. I can't get enough and I'm downloading like mad. Even if I just keep it for future projects - I wanna do all of them!
And these are just some of the sites I've been browsing. They inspire me to do all kinds of things, so yes they are my inspiration at the moment. Spiritual inspiration? Tons! But I'll share that some other time.
Please share your inspirational sites with me? However way it is inspirational to you!
Reading this quote made me think of Gerhard. It's not easy, but it's possible... And he's making it more and more possible every day. I haven't written about it because I haven't really come to terms with it. I still don't think I have. It feels like I'm stuck in limbo somehow. It feels like I'm going to wake up and this all would have been a cruel, cruel dream. I hope it's not. I hope he stays this way. I hope he makes up for it all, the way he said he would. I hope I'm not making a horrible mistake by trusting him. Again.
That's my biggest wish right now. But I guess that's a bit selfish, too? I want clarity to know what I want out of life, and what I need to do to accomplish that. I want clarity in my relationships with people, my friendships, my family. I want clarity in my career. I want clarity in my passions.
But even more than that (and I'm sure you know this by now) I wish for all the people, ever single one out there, that I wrote about in a previous post to feel absolutely amazing about themselves. For them to be okay. No matter what.
I'm pretty sure I've answered a Thought Question just like this... twice.
What am I NOT seeing? The small things. The little miracles. The wonders of the world.The things that we miss because we're in a hurry. The things that pass us by. The things that some of us, a lot of us, deem 'not important enough',if you know what I mean. Things that don't get all our attention,but that should.
No. That's terrible. I wouldn't want to know. I don't want to live my life on a countdown. Sometimes I think it could be interesting because you can plan ahead etc, but then again, shouldn't we be living life to the fullest? Shouldn't we be taking it day by day, not knowing what's going to happen next, and living it like it's our last? I think so. I believe that.
This made me think of the countless stories I read, daily, on sites like Six Billion Secrets, Gives Me Hope and so forth. Do yourself a favor and go and Google these sites if you haven't already. I see so many people on there who think so little of themselves. I see so many children, teenagers and adults all over the world who have no self-confidence, who are waiting for someone to save them, who feel ugly, unwanted and/or unloved. I don't always know what to make of their confessions. Every single one touches my heart and my soul and makes me really, genuinely want to reach out to every single one of them.
So to all the people out there, posting on sites like these:
I want to be your friend. I want to help save you. I think you are absolutely amazing. I think you are wonderful. I think, genuinely, that you are beautiful beyond measure. Not only inside, but outside as well. I want to be there to kiss your scars and draw butterflies and unicorns on them. I want to be there when you feel like cutting, to remind you what you mean to the world and to me. I want to do things with you. For you. I want to make you cupcakes and blow up balloons for you, not just on your birthday, but any random occasion I can find. I want to make you feel loved. I want to remind you every single day how wonderful you are, until you believe it for yourself. I want listen to your stories and hold you tight when you cry. If you want to run away, I want you to run to me, or let me run with you. I want to be there for you. I want to tell you how wrong those people are to break you down, how blind those people are to say the things they say and see things the way they do. Those people go through life with blinkers on. They don't know any better.
I'm not one of those people.
I've been where you are and I'm stronger because of it. The world does get better, I promise. There is someone out there for you, I believe that with my whole heart. There are always people who care, always. There are always people who are there and willing to help. There is always someone, somewhere who feels exactly the same way you do, who knows exactly what you're going through. No, you are not alone. I promise you that. I wish you could see that and believe it, all of you. People survive, every day. People grow stronger, all the time. It will be okay. Maybe not today, or even tomorrow or perhaps a month from now, but it will be okay. You are strong than this and you can get through it. You are here for a reason. You are here to mean something to the world, even if you think otherwise or if other people make you think otherwise. That only means that those are not the right people.
Please. Take care. You are stronger and better than the situation you are in.
I am the last person to be able to answer this question right now. It's really hard... I let go of Gerhard because I had to. I let go because I had to make peace with the fact that he wasn't coming back and that I wasn't going to have my happy ending with him, even if he was the only one I ever saw it with, at the time. I had to let go. It was hard, but I almost did it. I had more trouble letting go in my heart than anything else. I had moved on with my life, I was seeing other people, avoiding contacting him and avoiding talking about him. It helped a lot. Then... he came back. But that's a whole different blog post on it's own.
I guess it all depends on how you feel, whilst still being realistic about it. I mean you can love him but if he's treating you like shit and he's so much bad news - let go!! But hey, that's just an example.
There are so many challenges in and of myself that I don't know which one is the greatest. There are so many challenges in the world that I experience personally, that I don't even know where to begin. But if I think about my challenges I think about my emotional ways. Things like my patience, and lack thereof. The way I treat myself and other people. My honesty, sometimes brutal, and how to handle it. How to handle relationships and compromise. How to handle heartache and forgiveness. How to handle my own emotions. How to handle love. Unconditionally. How to not always let my emotions show, although I don't always think it's a bad thing. At least most of the time, people know what I think and feel. How to be more straightforward instead of always being nice and polite, given the circumstances of course.
There are a lot of challenges in life. Emotionally and physically. And it's different for everybody. But if I have to be truly, bluntly honest with myself... My greatest challenge would be doing what I really want to do with my life. Doing my art. Expressing myself the way I want to. Making a career out of it. But mostly... where to even begin.
Honestly, I would have to say No. But in a way, too, I want to say yes. Because I do wonder if they appreciate it and if they will thank me. That's all I want when I do something for someone else, because I wouldn't do it if I couldn't, but I do it because I want to. I think I have a real need to be appreciated, that's probably why I try and give so much to my friends and expect only true friendship in return. That's not too much to ask is it?
I want to. You have no idea how badly I want to. I want to see you. I want to know how you are doing. I want to be with you. I want to hug you. I want to touch you. I want to see you smile and hear your silly laughter. I want to watch movies with you. I want to drive around in your bakkie with you. I want get take-out with you. I want to listen to your stories and I want to tell you mine. I want to make jokes with you. I want to sleep next to you. I want to breath you in. I want to look at you. I want to swim with you. I want to do nothing with you.
More than that... I want to know that she's not in your life anymore. I want to know that you haven't picked up more girls along the way. I want to know that you want me to come and visit for the right reasons. I want to know that you've realized what you lost and that you want me in your life. Only me. I want to know that you want to make it right between us. I want to know that you love me. I want to know that you want me. I want to know that I am good enough... no, more than enough, for you. I want you to know what you want. I want you to be sure.
But more than anything... I want to be okay.
I am not okay with you disrupting my life, my head and my emotions because you think you can. I don't know if you get some sort of rotten pleasure out of what you're doing, or if you think you can because you're playing on my love for you and you know that I'm fragile like that. I don't know. I don't want to know. I just think that, most probably, you're lonely and none of your 'friends' wants to come and visit you, so now you're falling back on me. It hurts, you know? It still hurts and I hate that.
I hate that I need to have my friends physically restrain me from getting in my car and driving to you. I hate that I have to fight with myself every second of the day because I really, really want to reply on your message. I hate that I already have plans for Sunday, to go horse riding, even though I am looking forward to it. I hate that you think sending me a message will make things right again. I hate that you won't do any more than that. I hate that I don't know what you want. And sometimes... I hate that I can't find it in me to be just your friend.
"Understanding Life, Love & Everything In Between"
If I could choose my ending I'd have to say the Disney thing - "They (my husband and I) lived happily ever after in their beautiful house on a farm by the ocean, with lots of animals and children, and friends and family coming in and out of everywhere."
I know life probably won't turn out as easy as that for me, but a girl can hope right? =)
There are either too many or not a single one that stands out in my life. I don't know how to answer this question. I could say that it was when I realized what real love is. I could say that it was the lessons I've come to learn. It could be the day I learned the simple truth - Life Goes On. It could be the day I realized what my dream career is. It could be all the times I learned so much about myself. It could be so many things and nothing at all. I think I might still be waiting for my defining moment... What about you?
Do I really have to answer this? Truthfully? Mmmmm... nope. I don't think so. I don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to write it. I'll just stick with my family and friends, oh and my cat! It's true, too. It really is true.
What a difficult question... But no. I can't say I am happy with myself. I try to be. I try really hard. But sometimes I can only convince myself to a certain point. Sometimes I fight with myself about it. Sometimes I believe it, sometimes I don't. At the moment... it's harder than I ever thought possible... But I'm sure it will get better. It's all up to me.