Hearing other people having sex, or being sexual in any way. Talking to my family, and some of my friends, about anything sexual. Talking about religion. Being attacked by someone, verbally. Hearing someone being reprimanded. Being reprimanded, myself.
I've done quite a few spontaneous things in my lifetime... I would like to say gigantic big things, but I don't think so. The most spontaneous, sadly enough, would probably be the time Grietjie and I packed up our stuff and went on a long weekend road trip in 2009. And we loved it! Another would be when Maritz and I went beach hopping in Natal in 2010 the day before my birthday. Going out for parties and get togethers at random times and for random reasons, turning out great, of course!
I miss being a child. I miss having no responsibilities.I miss my grandfather and the time spent with my family.I miss old friends and people I used to know.I miss playing and being innocent, when I had a skinned knees instead of a broken heart.When I could ride my bicycle everywhere and the world was an adventure, not a danger.
A couple of weeks ago, when a guy ran me of the road. By "ran", I mean swerved right in front of me at such a speed, that I had to pull cartwheels in my car, just about, to miss a tree, a lamp pole, a wall and two other cars! That's South Africa for you I guess, I'm sure people like that bought their license on the street corner or something. I nearly popped a vein, I was so angry. Not to mention the fact that I was almost in a very serious accident. Two weeks later, I had another almost accident, where a guy swerved in front of me, again, and decided, for no apparent reason, to hit the brakes. My car couldn't brake as hard so I had to swerve not to hit him from behind, skidded on the gravel and almost ended up underneath a bus. Two weeks after that, I actually had an accident. A girl hit me on my left, back side, coming out of a complex, without looking left or right. Strange enough I wasn't even as angry then!
Oh, side note, I was close to killing a guy my friend is seeing because was acting like a douchebag, but I doubt I was as angry as when the guy ran me off the road.
My family and my friends, of course! My *boyfriend! And me! I am a positive person, most of the time, and when I'm not, I have people and ways to make me get over my sh!t, to be positive and motivated again! I've written before, about my little notebooks with motivational things in them, it helps me in so many ways, I can't describe it. My arts and crafts and hobbies also helps me, and of course my religion, that I'm working on, helps me more than I can even comprehend...
As I've said before, my life has been going through some changes. Big changes. Another big change in my life has been my faith. My religion. I know it's not a big subject to talk about because everyone religion is different and every person's faith therein is different. Every person has a different opinion and every person has their wounds and happiness regarding their faith, including myself.
Before this year, I hadn't been in a church in ages, and if I was then it wasn't for the right reasons. To be totally honest, I got distracted by life. I got distracted by the wrong things and the wrong people. I got distracted by love. I got distracted by the hurt and the heartache. I got distracted by the pain of the world and the pain that I carried within myself. I thought, just like so many out there, that God and Christianity can't actually be all that. I fought against myself and I fought against God, I fought against my family and I fought against the church. There was so many things I couldn't understand, and so many things were far from fair, in the world in general, as well as in my life.
I asked questions like - How could I serve and believe in a God that took away my grandfather? How could I trust a God who took away my two-year-old niece? How could one 'person', one 'being', create a whole world and look after every single one of us? What does it matter if I read the scriptures? What will it tell me apart from the stories from my childhood and about all the wrong I'm doing in my life? What does it matter if I pray? I don't even know how. Why does God allow heartache, pain and destruction? Why does God allow families to be ripped apart, people to be murdered and children to be raped? If he has so much power, why do bad things happen? Why are there bad people like so many we hear about on the news and through people? If he has so much power and love, why doesn't he create a Utopia? Why doesn't He do something about any of it?
I had millions and millions of questions, none of which could be answered by anyone, but Him.
I used to feel very uncomfortable talking about religion, I guess it was because I knew I didn't have a relationship with God. I'm not exactly comfortable, yet, but it's getting better. I feel so blessed, with the amount of things God has done for me, in my life. Recently, a lot of things have been going better, I have been feeling happier and more relaxed, and I have shared things with people and with God, that I never though possible.
Don't get me wrong, it's not easy going. I have already gone off the path, and I regret it, but I know that if I talk to God, if I pray about and give my worries and my troubles to Him, He will take care of it. It's hard though, trusting in something that will only make sense in reverse... it's not easy, at all. But I try, and I think that's one of the most important things. I try, every single day.
I have a friend, who I have to thank for bringing back my faith, she is patient, kind and inviting. She didn't force anything on me or tell me constantly what I was doing wrong or whatever, she shared her faith with me, whilst talking about herself and her experiences. I don't really know how to explain it, but she was the first person to approach me in the right way, to let me make my own decisions and to give me space to do it on my own, in my own time.
Nobody can force it on you, I know that from experience, but I do wish for more people to have the blessings and the happiness that I have experienced since I've turned back to God. And yes, I'm sure the world would be a better place... But hey, it won't happen overnight.
So whatever your God, whatever your religion... I hope you find it. And I hope you respect mine in return. I am trying, everyday, and I want to do it right. From living my life, to living my relationships with people, especially my love relationship, to sharing it with whomever I can. I guess we can only see where this goes...
My new relationship status =D My mother babying her cat, because of her injury. Warehouse 13, a series that I've been watching with my Mom. Lynette, at work, she's just hysterical most of the time! My friends and my family. Gerhard and his sillyness. Oooooooo E E!
I.... uhmmmm... I can't remember, quite frankly. As you know I'm not a big fan of lying, so I can't exactly pinpoint the last time I lied. I'm a very straightforward person, what can I say? =D I would guess, though, that the last time I lied, was when I said "I'm fine", when I wasn't, really. We all do that, right?
The love at the end of the tunnel... has finally found me. And I'm relieved! I'm so happy! I'm so excited! Yes, I'm officially in a relationship, with the man I've loved for so long... Gerhard. I'm trying to fathom it, though. Because I've been single and fighting for so long. And now, it's just... okay. The fighting is over, the worrying is over and the confusion is over. How, you may ask? It's a loooooooonnnggg story. But it's my story, our story, and I like it that way.
I am a little worried and a little scared, admittedly. But I trust and believe that it will be okay. That we will be okay. I am giving it my all, and so is he, it seems. It's like we're in love all over again! And I couldn't be happier about the fact!
I think my greatest strength is my personality, and the fact that I am a strong person emotionally. Regardless of all the sh!t. My greatest strength also includes God, anything is possible with Him in my heart and in my life.
My greatest weakness, though, is my friends and family, or let's just say my loved ones, guys included. They have the strength to make me or break me, and that's a weakness on my part. They can build me up, or they can break me down and ruin me. I need to work on dealing with them in a better way.
I wish I had handled Gerhard differently. I wish I had handled Bernice & Herman differently. I wish I had started working on my life, earlier. But hey, regrets are a waste of time, I think. Things turned out the way it did for a reason, maybe I won't know the reason now, but someday, I'm sure I will.
I am a positive person in general, even though my blog might say otherwise sometimes. Haha! At the moment I'm just looking forward to the end of the day, as I've resigned where I am and I am busy training someone who's IQ might be one up from a rock. But hey, soon it won't be my problem, right? I shouldn't be looking at it that way, but that's the only way I can stay half-way sane. I trust Lynette, at least.
I can't wait to start at the new company, though! I look forward to all the new challenges. I look forward to all the new people and the new work. I look forward to the courses that I'm going to go on, to learn more. I can hardly wait! It's scary as sh!t, I can tell you that, but the excitement overwhelms the fear. Thank goodness for that.
I am generally motivated to go to work because I look forward to the day and the things it may hold. I try my very best to always keep myself positive and to keep the people around me positive as well. Not always as possible as I want it to be, but at least I give it a shot, daily.
What keeps you motivated to go to work/school/college?
I would really like to live in Europe. France. Italy. Rome. Tuscany. It seems so magical! The life there seems less rushed, more natural. I love the historical value of it all. I love the beautiful landscapes and the architecture, the people and the customs. I'd love to experience it someday.Closer to home... I'd like to live by the coast. Kwazulu-Natal mostly, probably because that's where I was born, and that's where I grew up. I am a total ocean-baby and I miss it so much.
My faith, my
religion, my life and my sanity.Sounds
strange huh?I have been working on, and
thinking about, my life in general, about my faith and how I can better
understand religion, myself, life and other people.I’m getting better and I’m getting stronger
almost every day, even if I hit a speedwhobble sometimes.So is life.
My work has also been
on my mind, as I’m starting with a new job in a month’s time, and at the moment
I am busy training a girl to be able to do my work.Lynette is taking my place and the new lady
will be working under her, which is great and all... if only she could snap
some of the work!I’m busy losing it,
slowly.I know I’m probably just
impatient, but I’m really close to ripping her head off, or something.I keep explaining things over, and over, and
I have hurt my
family.I have disappointed them.I have hurt my friends and I have
disappointed them, too, I’m sure.I
have, a long time ago in my young and stupid days, cheated on guys. I hate that I've done things to hurt other people, mostly not meaning to. We all do things to each other, hurtful things and stupid things, it's how we deal with it that matters most, though.