Sep 22, 2010

June 24 - It does bother me

I miss so many people. I miss them in my every day life. I miss hearing their stories and laughing with them. I miss their quirks and their drama. I hate that people come in and out of our lives. I know that's just the way life goes, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. How is it ever nice to lose someone? I don't think it is. No matter how horrible things turned out and how badly you want them out of your life, eventually, at some point.. that same person meant the world to you. Or at least something. You still hurt, seeing them go. You still care what happens to them. Even though you know it's the right thing for both of you, or just one of you sometimes, that it's just better that way... It's still not nice, is it?

I have given up on people in my lifetime. A lot of people. Sometimes I wonder if it was a good idea. Should I have fought harder? Should I have done more? Should I have done or said less? You never know, do you? I don't like giving up on people. I don't like people giving up on me. I know it's true what they say 'You don't want people in your life that don't want you in their', etc etc, but it doesn't make the pain less harsh.

I've lost boyfriends. Lovers. Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Who hasn't? I don't take it as lightly as other, though. I miss people. As I've said. I've learned so much throughout my life, and I can honestly say I've learned something from every single person that has crossed my path. Be it good or bad... Lesson learned. I like it that way, and I really hope I've learned people things. Hopefully more good than bad, though =D

I lost a friend recently. I miss her terribly. She hurt me terribly. But did I hurt her? I don't know. She closed herself off to me. She found her first real boyfriend and threw herself into that relationship. I am so happy for her. I love seeing her so in love and happy. She deserves it, believe me. She is such a beautiful person. I just didn't expect her to sort of.. forget about me. After all we'd been through, I didn't see it coming. When I tried to be honest with her and told her how I felt, she got angry and turned her back on me. She asked me please to never contact her again. And I won't. I'll keep my distance. I won't bother her. I won't contact her. But... it hurts. So much. She tore out a piece of my heart. A best friend piece. I've cried. I've screamed. I've wondered. I've worried. What did I do wrong?! What do I have to change?!

I don't understand a lot of things in life, but one of the biggest things I don't understand is how you can turn your back on the people you love. When I think about it... I've done it myself. It hasn't been easy, but I had to do it. I had to do it for my own sanity. I had to do it because in the end we were only hurting each other. Not making each other happy. Like ex-boyfriends. These things happen. All the time. I don't see myself as selfish, though. I didn't do it just for me, I did it for them too. I know my faults and I know when I am purposefully using someone for my own personal gain, and in reality only hurting them. I hate doing it, so I stop. I turn my back and I walk away. Do you think that's what my friend did? I don't think so.

I feel like I have to say something. I feel like I have to explain myself. Fight for her. Just do something. But what? And what if she rejects me? She expressly asked me never to contact her again. It's not hard to understand. Do I respect her wishes, hoping she will see her 'fault' someday? Or do I go against it and try to rekindle our friendship? I miss her terribly. I really hope she misses me too. And I really hope she's happy and taken care of. I can't stand the thought of her sadness or problems, whatever it may be.

I lost a guy recently, too. He hurt me, badly. I lost my trust and my respect for him. He promises it was only mistakes he made, he learned from his mistakes and it won't happen again. What he doesn't see is... I don't know that. If he learned from his mistakes why did he seek them out and let them back into his life? (His 2 ex-girlfriends).

I learned a lot from him. Just like I have in past relationships. Good and bad. I know I'm damaged, but I also know I damaged him. I will get past this. I know I will. I have hope. I really hope he will find his way as well. Because.. in the end.. I still miss him. I still want to call him and hear his voice and his laughter. I still want his arms around me. I still think of him. Fondly. But I cannot be with him. I cannot live with the drama and the hurt that he brings into my life. I know I'm doing the right thing, not only for me, for him as well. I know I ended up using him. He was my comfort zone. I like having him in my life. Spoiling me. "Winning me back". Sending me text messages. Loving me, and showing it. What girl wouldn't want that? Thing is.. I couldn't move on. I couldn't let him go. I know he didn't want me to, but I want to. I can't live with what he did. I can't forgive. I can't forget. I will... someday. Just not right now.

Is it weird that I have trouble 'getting over people'?

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