Sep 22, 2010

July 27 - I'm not supposed to... But I am

I don't know how to express how I'm feeling. Maybe because I'm feeling too much. Or too little? I'm not entirely sure. I want to put it out there. It's like my own way of making it real. Of acknowledging it. And yes, I really really need acknowledge it.

I'm falling in love.
Even those words look strange. Sounds strange. Feel strange. I'm not suppose to be falling in love. Not yet at least. I promised myself I'd go out into the world, single and loving it, and explore myself. Not myself and someone else. Me. Just me. But of course, nothing ever goes as planned for me.

Maritz and I dated for 3 months shy of 2 years. Longest relationship for me. He never did anything wrong. I did. Well, not in the cheating-lying-bitch sense of it. I broke his heart. I ran away from our near-perfect relationship because I was unhappy with myself. I was unhappy with who I was and where I was stuck in my own life. I ran away. I left him behind. I went out to figure it all out and see and do new and different things. In the process... I hurt him. Badly. In the process... I went through two very unhealthy relationships. I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I let him down. I hate that he doesn't hate me for it.

That came out wrong.
I love that he doesn't hate me for it. I love that he has every right to turn around and walk away, but he doesn't. I love that he was there waiting for me. He had his rough times as well, no kidding. He did things he shouldn't have done. He even turned into somewhat of a man-whore at one stage. But when I turned (back) to him, he was there. He still is.

He wants to love me and hug me and kiss me and pamper me and take care of me and cherish me and spend time with me and cook for me and and and...

I'm not entirely sure what to do or what to feel, though. He's practically perfect. For me. Then why am I holding back? I have issues. I know that. I have trust issues, not caused by him. I have ex-girlfriend issues, not caused by him. I have heartbreak issues, not caused by him. I have fighting issues, not caused by him. I have alcohol issues, not caused by him.

But he's suffering from my issues. He says he doesn't mind. He says he wants us to work through it. He wants me. Only me. He always has. He wants to prove himself to me, not that there's much to prove, believe me... I just feel like I'm treating him unfairly. I feel like such a bitch. I feel like I have to let him go and run away or something, just because I think I'm bad for him. He deserves better, prettier, thinner, happier.. whatever!

I know I'm a good person. I know I have good intentions. But when I analyse myself (and I do that a lot lately)... I'm the opposite. I just don't know it. I don't mean it. I swear I don't. I think a lot of what I do or say can get twisted, in a way, but I don't mean it to!

I'm talking in circles again... As I've said - I have a lot to say, I just don't have the words to express myself. So now I'm mumbling and stumbling for the right words. Just give it up Maryx!

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