I haven't been this confused and clueless... in ages. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where it will end... I have a friend that needs help. A lot of help. She needs support and she needs friends. I have been that friend for quite some time now, but lately, I don't think I can be that friend anymore. Not after everything that's happened. I have heard things, I have shared things, I have seen things and I have done things that I can hardly contemplate. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone, that none of this is real, simply because it's just about the last thing I expected to happen, ever.
Two dear friends' of mine, who have been seeing each other for going on 4 years, have been going through some hard times lately. Ending it all by breaking off the engagement and any future hopes for a rekindling of their relationship or love. It's been rough on them both, I know because I was there, with them both. But at one point during their 'drama', I got pushed away by her and pulled closer by him. I don't quite know how that happened, or why, but because of that, apparenlty, she turned on me for no apparent reason. She called me, and my friends, horrible names. She twisted the truth and she downright lied about her actions and her words, as well as those of the people around her. Lies always catch up to you. Lies always come out. And they did. Oh, how they did...
I discovered things I guess I shouldn't have. I put the pieces of the puzzles together, and they didn't match. I got upset and angry. I still am. But I haven't acted on it, yet. That's why I am keeping myself as far away from any possible drama as I can. I'm afraid that I will burst. I'm afraid that I will say things, harsh things, honest things, that are perhaps better left unsaid. I don't want to hurt more people, unknowingly or knowingly. I'm tired. I'm hurt, too. I'm exhausted and it's breaking me down.
I wish I could fix it, for them. I wish I could fix their relationship and their trust. I wish I could fix our friendships. I wish I could fix our faith in each other. But what do I do? Where do I begin?
They lied. They cheated. They went behind each other's backs. They screamed and cursed. They called each other, and other (innocent) people, names and falsely accused each other. They hurt themselves and the people around them. Nobody is innocent. Me either. In my honest opinion, I think they should just get out of each other's lives and out of each other's hair. It's just ridiculous how far things went south. But hey, that's just me.
Get out. Get away. You deserve better. You will get better. It's not the end of the world. Try and keep the last bit of left-over dignity you have and face the world head on. Life goes on. And so does love. It's hard, but it will be worth it.
As hard as it is sometimes, I think it's definitely better to have loved and lost. I firmly believe that we learn something from every situation, from every love, from every friendship and encounter, from every person that crosses our paths. And we come out better in the end.
People are high maintenance, I swear. I'm sure I am, too. I used to say guys are high maintenance, because lately I've been rather thankful for being single. It's better to deal with your own sh!t and do it your own way, than to deal with someone else's sh!t as well. For the first time in over a year, I feel completely alone. I have no one to run to, no one to send special messages to without seeming weird, no one to talk to at random times, no one to call first when something great or horrible happens. By 'no one', I mean a guy in my life. I have friends, but it's just... different somehow. I'm sure you know what I mean.
Strange thing about all this, is that I'm okay with it. I know that I need to be alone. I know that I need to work on myself and I know that I need to find what is right for me. Truthfully, I can't do that in a relationship. I don't feel as if I can keep someone else happy while I'm trying my best to figure out my own happiness. Which by the way I think is important.
Some strange and confusing things have been happening around me lately. Friends have become strangers and acquaintances have become friends. I have been hurt, through words, more than ever before. I have been shocked to the core. I have tried to help, and I've had it backfire on me. I've mended friendships and made friendships, but I've also lost friendships. I've broken promises and I've done things I shouldn't have done. I'm not the only.
I'm emotionally tired of people and their drama. I feel like I want to run away and just get rid of it all. I know that, figuratively speaking, sticking my head in the ground and hoping it will go away, won't help me much, but hey.. it's worth a shot right?
It feels as if I know too much. It feels as if I've seen too much. It feels as if I've shared to much. It feels as if my idea of love and trust and even sanity have been challenged and tested in the past couple of months and you know what? It fcuking hurts. I want it to go away and I want the reasons for it all to go away. And yes, I realize how selfish that sounds.
It seems as if I've hurt a lot of people with my trying-to-help actions. It's backfired, badly. I wish I could make it right again, but I honestly don't think I can. And lately, I honestly don't think I want to. Definitely not alone.
My friends and family help a lot. My faith helps me a lot. I've been working on my faith, my relationship with God. I've been lacking in that are of my life for a very long time, and it's shames me. I want to make it better. I want to make it right. I've never been big on going to church, I've also said that my faith is a very private thing for me, but now I feel as if that was only a cover up for the truth - that my faith was almost non-existent at one stage. I want to change that, and I'm already busy doing just that.
My faith has given me strength. But I depend on my family and friends a lot, too. Without them, I would probably be lost.
Yes, I believe there is. But of course, it all depends on what you're giving up on. Giving up on your dreams, I'd say, is a big No-Go! Always try your best to follow your dreams and make it happen for you. Giving up on life - Never! It's always worthwhile. You just don't always see all the beauty in the word, and all there is to be grateful for. Giving up on people - No! Giving up on certain relationships or friendships... sometimes necessary. For both parties. As my dear friend Jean-Marie would say - Sometimes you just have to be the stronger one and cut all ties. Sometimes you have to be the stronger one and make the hard decisions.
I fully believe that what makes a person beautiful is the person that they are. I've heard so many people say that a model-pretty girl can quickly turn into a hidious monster when her attitude and personality goes sour. That the guys turn around and walk away. I've seen it with my own eyes. I fully believe it's about your personality, your attitude and about the way you carry yourself. I have friend who is larger than I am, yet she gets more guys than I do! Why? Because she has this come hither personality and a confidence that will blow you away. Everyone is just drawn to her. (If only we could all be like that, huh?)
I don't think beautiful has a lot to do with outward appearances. I realize that appearances are the first thing you see of a person, but then how does that friend of mine do it...? =) Because she IS beautiful!
I don't have many 'prized possessions' I can think of off the top of my head, but I'd probably say things I have of my grandfather's, my laptop, old photo's, things like that. Because, frankly, my cat isn't a 'possesion' and neither are my friends and family, yet I value them more than actual possessions.
Can you even define Heaven? I don't think any living person can. I just think it's perfect. And I imagine it to be something surrounding the best time of your life, and just being at peace. There a movie, I think it's called 'As it is in Heaven', that makes me think it's possible like that.
As you probably know, it was Mother’s Day at the start of May. What did you do for your mom? I’d love if you shared your stories with me? Any memorable ones from the past?
One day, I want to take my Mom for a day at the spa. Where everything is all about her... just pampering and chocolates and champagne. One day, I want to take my Mom to Paris. Bali. Italy. Rome. Venice. Sicily. Egypt. Everywhere!
This year, I got my mom 3 beautiful flower pots and 2 pretty plants. She loves plants in the house and she’s always looking for pretty things to put them in, too. I took her out for a movie (okay no, she took me out) and then I took her for lunch at one of our favourite restaurants. Just the two of us. I had a ball! And so did my Mom.. or so she says. I truly hope she did. I feel like I just can’t do enough for my Mom... I want to give her the world!! Because she gave me mine.
I miss my childhood.I miss being a child.I miss not worrying about everything, except maybe homework.I miss depending on others and not myself.I miss having my lunch packed and having afternoons off.I miss going on long vacations, not worrying about anything.I miss sleep over’s and spending all day playing in the pool.I miss my grandfather’s stories and jokes.I miss doing silly things with my mom, my grandparents, my family… and my friends.I miss dancing to silly songs.I miss eating sweets all day and not caring about it.I miss climbing trees and jumping rope.I miss running after the ice cream truck.I miss riding my bike all over town.I miss playing in the park.I miss playing make-believe.I miss the magic and the innocence…
I wish people would learn that this is more true than anyone could ever explain in words.Lying is… ridiculous.Everyone lies, I get that.I lie.You lie.They lie.It’s natural.It happens.For various reasons.But before you lie… think about the consequences.And think about the people you are lying to and about.The truth always comes out.Even if you convince yourself it never will… I promise you it will.One way or another.Maybe not now.Probably later.But another promise I can make is that if it comes out later… you’re in much bigger trouble than if it comes out now.And it hurts so much more, later, than it would, now.
I have changed. In a million and one ways. And finally, I can say that I am happy. Content. I’m okay. I never know how long it will last but I am willing to try and keep it this way and learn everything I can about the state of mind I am in now, if not merely to be able to pull it off again in the future, when I might need it even more.
I wish everyone might feel like I have been feeling lately. Just to be okay. To feel that there is hope, that there is a future for me and that there are great things and great love waiting for me, even if I have no clear idea how to get there... I’m learning every day. And I’m okay with that. I believe. I have hope. I have love to share.
I’ve been going through some strange times lately, I can’t really explain it. Maybe because I don’t know where to begin. I think I’m losing, or perhaps already have lost, two very dear friends of mine. I’m not entirely sure what happened or what I did wrong, if anything, but I feel like it has to go its own way. If they want me in their lives, they will say so. I want them in mine, that’s for sure. They’re my friends. But what do I do? It’s like they’re avoiding me. So yes, in truth, my natural reaction is to leave it alone. To step back. Rejection is a b!tch I guess.
I got in the middle of a relationship fight of one of these friends, all because I wanted to help. I felt guilty because she asked me to do something and I didn’t. I didn’t want to get so deeply involved. When I finally did, it backfired on me. I guess I should’ve just left it. And so I learn things the hard way I guess. Other people’s relationships are none of my business, no matter how much they want to drag me into it. At least I didn’t do anything ridiculous behind anybody’s back or intentionally hurt anybody. I have nothing to be ashamed of. And I’m really, really glad for that. I think that’s what makes me so calm over it all. I miss my friends and I love my friends. I want them to be okay. And if that doesn’t include me, I’m fine with that.
I had an awesome time on my little holiday. I spent the first week with Gerhard and friends, mostly Grietjie and then Eunice and the kids as well. We went to this really old Museum of Natural History. We went to the movies. We went to Gold Reef City Theme Park. We lazed around at home. We went to the shops and we had take-out. We went horse riding. We relaxed. I loved it.
The second week I got really lucky... my aunt and her husband took me with them to Natal on holiday, a place called Banana Beach, for the whole week, with them and their kids, as well as a family friend. I had a ball of time! I even got the chance to see Shannyn and her family who now lives by the coast. Oh how I missed her! And still do! We went out partying one night. We went for walks. With my own family I had a ball. We spent our days on the beach on the sand, in the sun and in the waves.
I actually raked up the guts to show my chubby little body on the beach in a pink bikini! I could hardly believe it myself! It felt great! I didn’t care what people thought of me and I just went for it! I lay in the sun and I went swimming and I played in the sand... and I loved it!! I got a tan, I got slapped around by the waves and I went for long walks. Oh and don’t forget the million and one photo’s that we all took. (Mostly of my youngest niece, of course. It was her first time on the beach!)
I feel rested and calm. I think the sun, sea and surf did wonders for me. I went back to work... friendly! Hahahaha!
If you don’t yet know this by now – I’m in love with the ocean. It’s been a life-long romance and it’s been mostly long distance. I hate it, but it’s okay. I appreciate it so much more every time. If only I could make it more often... =)
I still want to move to Natal. I’m still sure I don’t belong inland. But hey, everything can’t happen at once huh? Sometimes, things just don’t happen as you want it to, immediately, for a reason. But it will happen, of that I’m sure.
I will post some photo’s of my little holiday soon, I hope!
There are a lot of things that Gerhard and I are not on the same page about and we finally spoke about it recently. It wasn't easy. Why did I think it would be?
I have told him, in all honesty, that I enjoy his company and all that, but that we don’t have a future together.We have had long conversations about things we don’t agree on.I’ve made my peace.I don’t want him as a boyfriend or a lover… ever again.I don’t think he believes me.I think he’s still trying to win my heart.How?I don’t know.I don’t have the slightest idea.Because it’s clearly not working.I think I’ve been hurt by him too many times.I think I’ve shut down.I don't feel the same about him, and I’m okay with that.I fully realize how horrible it sounds.I fully realize how heartless it sounds.What am I suppose to do to make it sound any less?
“The cruelest thing you can do to a person, is pretend they mean more to you than they actually do.”
I try and avoid giving him hope, because I know what false hope feels like, but in retrospect, I think that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing… giving him hope.False hope.I’ve been talking to him.I’ve been spending time with him.I’ve been sharing a bed with him.I’ve been allowing him to care for me and do things for me and with me.I’ve been allowing him to spoil me… and all of that just makes me selfish.
I wish I could say that his apologies meant something to me.I wish I could go back to the way it used to be.But I can’t.No… wait.It’s not just that I can’t, I don’t want to either.I’ve had enough.I don’t trust him.I don’t respect him.I don’t want to be with him.I don’t want to go through all the same feelings.I don’t want to care.I don’t want to worry.I don’t want to … anything, really… with him.
He cares about me, I get that.I care about him as well.I wish him only the best in life and all the happiness he deserves.But that happiness… won’t be coming from me any longer.
I have to admit that I wish I could turn back the clock, or just make everything that has changed inside of me, and him, just disappear. It really would make things a lot easier, huh? I would like it to go back to the way it was before ... well, just before. But it can't. We can't.
It hurt telling him all this, but I know I'm doing the right thing. Him and I both deserve more out of a relationship. Not that we've had a real relationship in probably a years' time, but hey, what else can I call it?
This is where I have to understand now, that I'm alone, single. And so does he. Refreshing!