Jan 28, 2011


You'll never change and I think that scares me a lot.  I can point out your faults, like you do mine, and try and help you, but what does it bring me?  I'm telling you things that will perhaps make someone else happy.  Not me.  You just don't feel the same way about me.  And I can tell myself, even convince myself a lot of the times, that you are in the past, and that I deserve more than you and I need more than you and that you are absolutely toxic to me and my well-being - it doesn't help.  It's true, but it doesn't help.  I don't believe it, just for the plain fact that I love you so much.

Assumption is the mother of all fcuk-ups they say... well so are expectation and even hope.  I hate hoping.  It's something you can't control.  It's something that comes so naturally, so involuntarily, that you cannot control it.  Yet, most of the time, it just disappoints.

I want to tell you that I'll wait forever.  I want to tell you that I hope, beyond hope, that you are still the one for me and that your eyes will really open someday and you'll realize this.  I want to tell you that I am worth it and that I won't ever hurt you.  I want to tell you that I trust you fully, in all aspects, and that I will just carry on hoping and sticking around until you realize I'm here.  I want to tell you that I will go through all this pain and heartache over and over and over again, I will fight with you and for you every day of my life, just to have you back in my arms, forever.  I want to tell you that your worth all of that and more.

I want to tell you all of this, because it's true.

But... I'm so tired.  It hurts so much.  I feel like I want to just not exist, sometimes.  You break me down, you make me feel like nothing.  You make me feel like I'm not worth it.  You make me feel like I'm not enough.  You've even said as much to me.  That hurts.  Not getting back, what I give you, hurts.  Not having you there for me, hurts.  Not being able to share everything with you, hurts.  I don't know how much I can handle before I fall apart.  And I fall apart quite often.  What if someday, I won't be able to pick myself back up again?  I know I'm strong, but... what if I'm not strong enough?

My common sense draws the line.  The mind is powerful.  I know that.  And I try and draw all my strength from that fact.  I know I have to stay away from you, to help myself.  I know I have to not talk to you.  I know I have to stop thinking about you and wanting you.  I know all these things.. but it's hard.

Why do I settle for the crumbs when I deserve (and want) the whole damn bread?!
I guess because they taste so damn delicious.

You're like a drug.  So toxic and so bad for me, yet I'm addicted.  You will probably end up killing me, like an overdose on a drug.  But I can't stop.  I can't wait for my next fix.

I need some rehab, for sure.

Jan 27, 2011

Jan 26, 2011

Mountains & Molehills

I am endlessly frustrated by people who make mountains out of molehills.  I cannot stand it.  So much so that I would throw you out the second story window of my office if you even attempt it with me.  But then again... I can't exactly do that with my boss can I?  Yeah, I don't think that would end well.

I was never allowed to make mountains out of molehills.  I was raised this way.  It's what I know and what I've accepted.  The words "It's not that bad, really!" and "Build a bridge already!" were common phrases growing up.  I never took it up in a bad way though.  It was just one of those things.  Bumped your toe?  "It's not that bad!  We'll just buy a new one at Pep!".  When I was small, I'd get so ticked off I'd forget about the pain.  It worked, didn't it?  When I had issues or I was a whiny cry-baby I'd get the "Build a bridge and get over it" one.  And guess what - I did.  I learned to deal with petty issues in an adult way.  Most things in life are not as big a deal as people make it out to be.

Yes, of course I get my moments.  Like everybody else.  But with that, I get over it faster than some.  Either that or I make you think I get over it fast.  I don't easily hold grudges and I don't easily stay pissed off for very long because, unfortunately, most people don't even realize when they piss me off so I don't stay angry for very long.  I build a bridge and get over it, albeit not always a sturdy bridge, but a bridge nonetheless.  At least there is one.

Some other people I know, like the boss, doesn't quite grasp this concept.

He thinks it is absolutely the end of the world if everything doesn't go according to plan.  According to schedule.  A schedule, by the way, that he dreams up on his own.  I am doing him a favor, helping out with a breakfast for clients of ours, at our offices/warehouse.  Now, for one, we are not even closely set up for a breakfast with clients.  We have nothing in order.  We don't have enough cutlery, crockery or even glasses to entertain our clients.  Am I bringing some from home to fill it up?  Urrrmmmm NO.  Think again boss-man.  And how do you think we fry the bacon and the sausages and do the eggs and toast without a stove and pans etc?  Oh no, but you and your co-worker can bring your electronic grilling pans from home, oh and also some pretty glass bowls with lids to make it presentable for everyone to dish up from.  Really?  Is that so?  Interesting.  Okay, fine then.  I'll do you the favor and bring all this from home.  But do keep in mind that it all belongs to my mother.  Not me.  I don't call the shots.  (My mother almost refused just 'coz he's an A-hole.)

What happens?  I forget to bring it the day before the breakfast.  OMG the place is going to fall to ruins and the clients are going to hate us?!  I'm not kidding.  It's a big deal to him.  I have plenty of time to bring it from home during the day before the breakfast, as well as the morning of the breakfast.  Why?  Because it doesn't change the outcome of the food whether or not the thing stands here overnight or not!  And by the way - I'm doing you a favor!

I'm not upset, I'm just blown away.  And the best is - he's blown away that I am as calm as a cloud of cannabis smoke.  (What an expression.. haha!)  It's not a big deal.  I promise you it's not.  I arranged the end-year function all on my own, did you complain?  No you didn't.  You were impressed.  So just calm down and let the woman handle it.  This woman.  Me.  Again.  Not the manager and the co-worker helping like they were supposed to.  Just me.  They're helping to cook the breakfast though.  I'll have nothing less.

Do you tend to blow things up in general?  I hope not.  But please, don't think I tried to offend anyone with this post.  I'm just not like that.  That's all.

Jan 25, 2011

Thought Question #43

Urrrmmmm... Both?  But if I have to choose,  I'd say doing the right things.  It's what matters most, don't you think?  If you don't do something right, you can learn from it, and do it right the next time.  Hopefully not over and over again!  Interesting question this...


I am officially the proud owner of a ghd IV styler. Thank you Gerhard!!

Yes, you read that right. Gerhard. He came to my work, took me out for lunch and brought me a gift. A very expensive gift I might add. I have been dreaming of owning a GHD for as long as I can remember. For those of you who don't know what a GHD is - What is wrong with you?! Have you been living under a rock?! Kidding... sort of. A GHD is a hair straightener and curler and everything all in one. It does all this, in mere seconds, if you know how to use it. A normal hair straightener doesn't compare. Even closely.

I am 'dying' from excitement and happiness! Yes. But also... slightly confused. Quite an expensive gift to buy for your ex-girlfriend, don't you think? Any motives? Him wanting to crawl back into my life or win me back somehow? Apparently not. Hard to believe right?

Seriously. Apparently not. So much so that he doesn't know if he sees any future for us. Am I heartbroken again? No, not really. Because I've already started to accept that fact on my own thankyouverymuch. We had a really long conversation, again. About all sorts of things. Things like him and me, and her and her, and her, and them. Yeah, confusing much? I know. He (still) doesn't know what he wants. What a surprise. Thing is, I know what I want. And if I can't have it, I know how to get past that. Don't use me. Don't play with my emotions. Don't give me false hope. I know it makes him happy to make me happy, but I need so much more than just the odd message and gift. I deserve more. I don't want to be his friend. I can't. I won't.

But anyway, apart from all that - I am beyond myself happy about my newest addition.


Jan 24, 2011

Random Pix

Platonic My Ass

What do you think of when I say 'Platonic Friendship'?  If you asked me that question I'd say it's a friendship with no romantic trimmings.  It's like the friendship you'd have with your best girl-friend (for girls) and your best guy-friend (for guys), or your brother or sister.  That friendship where there is no mushy sideshows of 'I miss you so much' or 'Thinking of you' or kisses and hugs.  A friendship without a history of romance.  A friendship without a future of romance.  A friendship where you can be yourself, no pretences, no showing off, no worrying so much about each other feelings and stuff.  A friendship where you can live without each other, although loving each other, because friendship can do that.

Being friends with your Ex is not being in a platonic friendship.  Being friends with your Ex confuses things, makes things harder, and makes moving on so much harder.  Being friends with your Ex complicates your life.  Even if you think it's platonic, believe me honey, it will never be that.  There will always be history.  There will always be feelings involved, no matter how small.  There will always be heartache and love and chemistry.  You'll deny it, I'm sure.  We all tend to do that.  But it's there nonetheless.  So please, don't lie to yourself, or others, and think that you have a platonic friendship with your Ex.  Let go or try again.  It's one way or the other, there's no in between.  You already let any hope of a friendship go the day you fell in love with each other.

And that goes for me, too...

Thought Question #42

Happiness, love and my dream career.  Is that too much to ask for?

What about you?

Jan 23, 2011

Whatever Then

I see I'm losing followers.  I find that interesting.  But I'm not angry or even upset.  It's their own choice and it could be for a lot of different reasons.  I do the same thing sometimes.  Follow or unfollow blogs.  It's my choice.  It's my time.  I'm still doing this blogging thing for me.  Isn't that sort of the point?  Most of the time?

This is getting weird...

Within the space of a month I've had 3 dreams relating to me being pregnant.  I must have issues.  Or high hopes of magically being impregnated or something.  I don't know.  There are a lot of reasons I might be having these dreams, I'm sure.  And I've explored some of them already.

This time, I was pregnant, as always.  I was in labor too.  This time, Gerhard wasn't there.  Gerhard wasn't even in my thoughts in this dream.  My family was there, as well 2 friends of mine - Shannyn-Leigh and Grietjie (who by the way don't really like each other).  It felt like a long dream, but not a lot happened.  They were there for me with my labor pains etc but I didn't actually give birth.  Good thing I guess?  Haha!

I don't really know what to think of this anymore, but I'll just take it as it comes.  What do you think?

Jan 19, 2011

You learn something new every day

I have been talking to Gerhard lately.  Slowly but surely, but I have.  I feel good about it though.  Just last week, we had a long conversation about all sorts of things.  Mainly about him though.  I asked about him and the other girl.  I asked about his feelings for her and her feelings for him.  And it did it objectively.  I am very proud of myself.  I didn't break down.  I didn't freak out.  I don't think I even mentioned 'us'.  I mentioned aspects of us and the things between us, yes.  We spoke about things that he has to work on in himself.  It's very necessary.  He doesn't know himself.  I mean, I told him things about himself that he didn't really want to hear, but that he had to hear.  He doesn't understand that I know him that well.  Well, there are a million different reasons for that of course.  Most of which, he doesn't even know.

I am well on my way to forgiveness and I really, really like the feeling.  There is the calm that has settled over me.  Regarding Gerhard.  Regarding my career.  Regarding my studies.  Regarding my emotions.  I love it!  I know what I want.  I am happy with myself.  I am striving for more.  I appreciate the little things.  I want so much more out of life and out of a relationship.  I deserve so much more.  And you know what?  If he deserves more than me, if he wants more than me, that is his business.  I will help him and support him as far as I can, but I can only go so far.

I wonder if he knows what he wants though.  I know he can't get over me.  Yeah well join the club mate.  But what I don't understand is why he can't decide what he wants from me, what he wants to do, what he wants to let happen and what he wants to bring to a stop.  There are many things he has to think long and hard about.  For himself.  Things that I sometimes have to remind him of.

I've learned that it's true what they say - If you love someone enough, you want them to be happy, regardless if it's with you or not.
I've learned that if you love someone enough, nothing will stand in your way, not even your insecurities.
I've learned that if you put your mind to it, you will achieve it.
I've learned that I am multi-faceted, and it's amazing.  I really wish that Gerhard can open himself up to the same journey.
I've learned that if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen, but if you don't, you will procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate.
I've learned that if you want all the wonders and gifts of love in a relationship, you will through your all into it.  But if you don't care much, or you're unsure, you will be satisfied with so much less.  And that is sad...

I've learned so many things that I wish I could share with him, but I know I can't.  He has to learn, or realize it himself.  He thinks he is ready for marriage and kids and house and home, but I honestly don't think he is.  You can't put an age on things like that.  It might happen at 20, at 23, at 26, at 30 or even at 35 and later.  You can't rush into it.  You can't make-believe.

Okay I guess I'm rambling a bit, I usually don't know how to put this shit into words of my own.  Urgh!!  Deal with it.

Some things I learned about myself this past weekend

This weekend I went to a career-psychologist.  What an eye-opener.  She started the session talking about things from the time I was born up to the present day.  I took my mother and my aunt with me (she asked me to bring the two people closest to me, who know me the best).  It's amazing what she can deduct from what I've said.  It's amazing how some things that seem irrelevant, have so much importance.  It was fascinating to say the least!

Here are some of the things I learned about myself through the whole process:
  • I hate change.  I've known this for quite some time, I just never knew how 'serious' it was and how far it really stretched.  Really interesting.
  • I have no faith in myself.  Turns out, it's true, even if I didn't want to admit it.  There are a lot of things surrounding this, of course.  But the main point, it turns out, is that I don't have enough faith in myself to follow my dreams and take full responsibility and full risk for them.  I want to take the 'safe option' of studying something that is familiar to me in my line of work, but did I really think my 'line of work' through?  I doubt it.  Can I see myself doing it for the rest of my life?  No.  The 'safe option', to me, also includes knowing that when I get the degree in Strategic Supply Management, that I will always have a stable job, a stable income, and I will know the environment.  There is a definite market in the supply chain industry.  Isn't that what everyone hopes for in their job?  Well, yes.  But is everyone happy in their line of work?  Really, really happy?  I definitely doubt that.  I need to work on following my dreams, risks and all, and to get out of my comfort zone!
  • I have 5 Role Models in my life.  My mother.  My grandmother.  My aunt.  My uncle.  My grandfather.  They are, in essence, my family.  I have extended family of course, but no one as close.  These five people raised me, shaped me, and made me the person I am today.  I had an amazing childhood, and also quite a protected childhood, thanks to these five people.  I also couldn't have asked for better role models.  And it's strange, how something(s) from each and every one of them, have manifested itself in me.  I am not complaining of course, I am grateful.
  • I am not a team player.  I prefer working on my own thankyouverymuch.  This comes through in many facets of my life.  It stemmed from her asking me if I ever played any sports in primary school.  Which, by the way, I didn't.  All I did was athletics and that's only because I was forced to do it.  I've never been a fan of team sports.  I'd probably punch my team mate or something.  But in high school I ended up doing extra-curricular sport in the form of Kickboxing and Muaythai.  Why?  Because I could do it on my own!  And if I had to do it with someone, the idea was to punch them or kick them in one way or another anyway.  Bonus!  So yes, it turns out the one-girl-show that is Maryke, doesn't play well with others.  It has come through into my school and work situation through the years, as well.  I work better alone than with others.  Go figure.  I've always had this idea that if you want something done right, do it yourself.
  • My creative side is dominant.  No shit, Sherlock?!  I'm sure I could have told her this from the get go, but the idea was for her to figure it out herself.  She gave me 'tests' to do.  Not the traditional question-and-answer test, just a list of things that I had to decide if they interest me or not, on a scale of 1-9.  Pretty interesting.  We narrowed it down to 6 things and used the same type of scale on them.  Art, graphics, animation (etc) and creative thinking is the strongest, hands down.  And when she heard that it is exactly what I want to do, she almost fell off her chair.  She couldn't believe me 'decision' to go into Strategic Supply Management.  It's just not me.  Yes, thank you, I knew that already.
  • I don't like the spotlight.  Yeah, I never did enjoy it.  I'm more of a behind the scenes person.  I'm also better at helping and/supporting other people than I am at asking for it in return.  I don't like spotlight, at all.  I didn't like it in school, I still don't like it.  Strange thing is, I'm pretty much the Master Drama Queen when I'm with my family, and sometimes when I'm with me friends.  But then again, that's my comfort zone.
  • I am protecting my inner child.  Fascinating, right?  I thought so.  I had to ask her to explain of course, and it turns out that she's right, even more so than I want to admit to anyone.  I am protecting the child I once was and I don't want to let her go.  It's a good thing, in a way, but also not so good, obviously.  I have to kind of explain to little me that it is okay to let go and do things on my own, completely on my own.  That I am capable of doing it all and that I have to have faith in myself.  No one is there to do it for me anymore.  No is there to take care of me anymore, I have to do it myself.  Even if I have supportive family and friends to lean on.  But that's just what they are - support.
  • I am very emotional.  Noooooooo... Ya think?!  Yes, I think with my heart before I think with my head.  Scary thought sometimes.  Gets me into trouble more often than not.  But I won't complain.  That's just me.  Ya gotta love me!  She reckons that if I go for the studies in BCom Strategic Supply Management, my emotional unhappiness will overwhelm my ability and intelligence to be able to do it, and I will just stop.  I will have wasted money, time and effort.  And I really, really, really don't want that to happen.
There are a lot of things that were mentioned and elaborated upon in our two and a half hour session with this woman, but these were the 'highlights'.  Some things to think about and some things to work on.  But at least now, finally, I have my family standing behind me in my decisions. Very liberating, I tell you.  It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Jan 13, 2011

Jan 12, 2011


I clearly have issues.  I had another dream last night and I don't know what to make of it.  I dreamed that I was was pregnant, again.  In the dream, I was pregnant, but not really showing a belly.  In the dream, I was in labor, I was on the way to giving birth.  Slowly, but surely.  It was so strange.  I wasn't in a hospital, I was at a house, in the garden, with people all around me.  There were friends, family  and acquaintances from all walks of life there.  Supporting me.  Helping me.  Talking and socializing.  There was food and drink and everyone was having a good time, too.  Except for me and my labor pains, of course, but everyone was there to take care of me and make sure I was comfortable and all that jazz.  I even had a male 'midwife'!

In the dream, I knew the father was Gerhard.  But he wasn't there.  In the dream, I still remember thinking that I will send him a message that his child was born healthy and beautiful, and the child's name.  This, in fact, is exactly what happened to my mother, and one of the things I'm quite terrified about.  One of the things he said he would never do to me.  But in the dream, he did.  I was okay, though.  I had everyone who ever loved me there.  I knew we would be okay.  I knew we would be taken care of.

I woke up before I 'gave birth' and before I sent him the message in the dream.  I could hardly move, it was the strangest feeling.  I don't know what to make of it, but I think I will take it as a good sign.  I will be okay, without him.  I will be okay...  I am stronger than anything he can throw at me.  And he's thrown me with a lot.  He's tried to break me, but he won't succeed.
I will 'have that child', without him.  I have a big support system.  I have so much to be grateful for.

I can.

Jan 11, 2011

Thought Question #41

They say that if you ask you will receive... But no, I can't find it in me to agree that it would be wrong. It would be... Love. I guess. It would be... Survival. I'm sure.

Thought Question #40

What or Who?
Who - Without a doubt my family and my friends.
What - My life.

There is so much to be grateful for that not a lot of people recognize the small things, and there are so many. I am grateful for so many things I don't know where to start. What would you say are the most grateful for? I'd love to know your answers!

Thought Question #39

I'd have to say Honesty.
But also compassion, faith and self-confidence, to name a few.
What would you say?

Jan 10, 2011

8 Red Roses

Gerhard brought me a beautiful bouquet of red roses on the 31st of Dec 2010.  10 Days later, the remaining ones are still gorgeous.  There are 8 roses left.  I feel like those roses, in a way.  Dying away, one by one.  My 'obsession' with him, is dying away, piece by piece.  I prefer it that way.  I say 'obsession' because I drove even myself crazy.  It wasn't healthy.  I am hoping for new beginnings, in a different way.  I am hoping to make sense of it all.  I couldn't depend on the NY for that, it's already screwed me over, so now I'm doing it myself.

The mind is a powerful organ...

Thought Question #38

Wow there is so much advice... there is so much wisdom... that I, myself, wish I had known from an early age.  How do you choose?  I'd probably say something like 'You are amazing and you can anything you put your mind to, never let anyone ever tell you otherwise'.  Or maybe that life is a roller coaster and you have to hold on for the ride, there will be ups and downs, but you are strong enough to handle all of them.  Or even 'Follow your dreams, don't let them stop you, make it work'.

And so much more... 
What would you choose?

Random Weekend Update

Friday night I surprised myself by buying Salad, Panini and Haloumi Cheese for dinner as COMFORT FOOD. Yes, I had a crappy day and was really down in the dumps. I always try to avoid the comfort food, but this time - screw it. I loved it and it was healthy! Can't complain! (Plus I've had these super random salad cravings lately... strange, huh?)

Saturday I spent the day with two great girl friends, at my house. One of them brought their two kids with and we all loved it. We spent the time watching movies, drinks and popcorn in hand! Later that night though... something really, really random happened. And ex-BF of mine's mother sent me a text message asking me how I've been and if I'm okay.

I didn't exactly know what to make of it... You might remember him from my posts here, here and here. We dated in 2009 for about 9 months or so. It was a difficult relationship, but we cared deeply for each other. The last time we saw each other was in Amanzimtoti for Easter Weekend. I went to visit my friends (our mutual friends), and he lived with them at the time. I always had a great relationship with his parents. We used to do all sorts of things together and could spend hours talking about all kinds of things. I practically lived with them at one stage, visiting became so frequent.

Well anyway, so his mother sent me this text message and after a bit of a chat, wanted us to join them at a local pub for drinks. We declined because we couldn't take two kids under the age of 2years to a pub, that's just a bit wrong. I made a date to see them the following day, though. After about an hour, HE sends me a text message. The ex-boyfriend. Nicolas. Long story short, we ended up going to their place for drinks later that night. And quite enjoyed their/his company. Some things never change.

The following day, Sunday, I was asked to join them for lunch at a nearby restaurant and Nic came to pick me up. After lunch, he took me out for drinks somewhere else, without his parents. What a surprise. =)

I had a fun weekend people. Very unexpected, but very much appreciated.
I'm tired, but I feel so much better than I did last week. Bonus!

Jan 8, 2011

Thought Question #37

A joyful simpleton... They say ignnorance is bliss, right?
But of course you can't be completely ignorant and blind to the things of this world.  There are dangers as well as joys.  We should never forget that.

Thought Question #36

I'm South African... Does it matter?  Hahahaha!
Can someone share their views on what 'The American Dream' is?

Jan 7, 2011

Friends are Treasures

I love my friends.  Guy friends.  Girl friends.  I don't know what I would do, or be, without them.  I don't know where I would be.  Sometimes... they know me better than I know myself.  Sometimes...  they see me so much better.  And I need that, believe me.

A very dear friend of mine had the good heart to talk to me today.  Really talk to me.  He asked me questions and he told me to speak from the heart.  He wants to know what's going on in there.  No matter what.  He had no idea that I was so far into that black hole that I tell everyone I'm not in.  I tell everyone I'm fine.  I tell everyone I'm strong.  But, in fact, I'm far from it.  And he knew it.  Somehow.  I didn't want to talk to anyone because I sound silly to myself!  I didn't even want to think about what other people would think of me.  But does it really matter?  It seems... it does.  I don't want people to know when I'm falling apart, because then they'll ask me about it and they'll want to help, or they'll try and give me advice.  I'll end up cracking, having to think about it that much, I'll end up crying and making a scene or something.  I'd rather avoid that side of me, thank you.
My friend and I had a long talk today.  And the more I talk, the more I share, the more he analyzes and gives me advice, or he tells me something so profound, so true, that I haven't even thought of yet.  He opened my eyes.  He gave me some options.  He told me about myself.  How weird, to hear about yourself from someone Else's perspective.  It so happens, that I really an alright gal.  And apparently, too humble.  I've never really though of myself as humble, but I guess he's not that far off.

I asked him the question that's been bothering me a lot - Why can't I hate Gerhard?  I should hate him.  I should despise him.  But I don't.  I love him.  I want him.  But I don't hate him.  I don't even dislike him, really.  His answer?  "Because you can't, you're too good a person.  Why would you think, or want, to change who you have been for 22 years, because of him, or because of what he did to you?".  He's right, of course.  I can't hate.  I don't want to hate, it's not who I am.  It's not who I want to be.  I might dislike some people, but I don't hate them.  I don't have it in me.  I love.  I care.  I give.  I make.  I nurture.  I cherish.  I don't hate.  And now... because I can't get myself to hate him, but think that I have to, I am having some sort of inner battle with myself, which is definitely draining me.  Emotionally and physically.

But what I need to do... is forgive him.  It's a hard thing to do.  Forgiveness doesn't just come to you.  It doesn't just happen.  And you can't just make it happen.  It's a choice, yes.  But it's so much more than than.  It's a life.  It's a feeling.  It's ... peace.  I want to forgive him.  I need to forgive him.  You know why I think I have trouble with forgiving him?  It's as if I think that if I forgive him, completely, he will think it's okay.  That he will come back into my life when he feels fit, or when he's lonely again or something, and just repeat the pattern.  Just hurt me all over again.  I don't want him to do that.  I know that, when I forgive him, and he walks back into my life, I will let him.  And he knows it, too.  I'm scared I won't have the strength to stand up for myself and for what I want.  I'm scared I'll let him hurt me again.  It's like he's bargaining on my love for him to invite him back in, no questions asked.

I want to be stronger than this, but it's so hard.  My friend, at first, thought that I have a problem with being single.  Honestly, I don't.  My problem lies with him and the fact that he has so much control over me.  It aggravates me.  It makes me weak.  I'm not weak.  Usually.

My friend mentioned religion as well.  Praying.  Going to church.  Reading Bible.  Surrounding myself with positive people and positive things.  My faith isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.  I need help.  I'm scared.

I'm not okay, and I'm sick of pretending to be so strong.  I've been through a lot, and I don't want any more of it.  I want happiness.  I want love.  I want the old me back.  The one... before him.  Before he destroyed me.  I don't think I can do it alone, but maybe I have to.  That's what friends are for, right?


You want to know where the 'in love-ness' went?  Nowhere.  At least not mine.  Between you and her?  I wouldn't know.  But I doubt you were referring to the two of you.  I guess I could be wrong.  I don't know if it's possible to be in love with someone, as well as love them, at the same time.  For so long.  I'd like to think it's very much possible.  I'd also like to think that it can happen more than once in a lifetime, because if it doesn't... I'm screwed.  Even though I try to convince myself otherwise.


The love I have for you completely overwhelms me.  It overflows into all the small spaces in between, until it almost wants to burst, but doesn't.  With this love, I can't just think of now.  There's too much to be able to fit into just 'now', it needs more space.  It needs a future.  Without that, it will wither and die, and I really don't want that to happen.  Because, you see, this is a love that takes my whole being with it, wherever it goes.  It's a part of me, but now, it's a part of you too.  Though I doubt you even realize it.  Love isn't one big thing, it's a million different things.

Like the way you up against my body, when you fall asleep there, or the way you laugh that makes the whole world stop and stare.  Like the way your eyes light up when you talk about your plans for the future or the way you brag about the small things too, and need me to be proud of you.  I always am, regardless.

I wonder if she loves you like I do... Maybe she is your perfect, smooth fit, and I m just the ragged edge.  It's a definite possibility...  Maybe Maritz is my perfect, smooth fit.  I don't know.  When I think about it, it makes a lot of sense.  Maritz and I don't fight nearly as much as you and I do.  We never have, only small fights, here and there.  Never a big deal.  He loves me, without hesitation, and enjoys every minute we spend together.  And I love him.  It's the same with you and her, right?  I get the appeal now... I really do.  But... it's so... boring.  I don't really know if that's even the right word.  I guess you'll never know until you try.  Just please, 'try' her before you even think of coming after me again.



In my life, in my heart and in my life - you are all consuming.  I need to physically focus on distracting myself, so as not to think of you, and what you've done to me.  I'm scared to say it out loud, but it's the truth - I wish you hadn't come back to me!  You came into my life, completely uprooted me, used me, led me on to believe things you didn't even believe yourself.  I will never understand why you did it, or how you could ever be so selfish or self-centered.  I thought so much more of you.  I need, and want so much more of you.

Thought Question #35

Well I know I make coffee differently than all my friends do.  If there are multiple cups, I'll first put in all the coffee, then I'll put one sugar in each and continue filling up, per spoon, as the people drink it.  Everyone finds it funny, though.  I am very open-minded and honest, and that's rather rare, or so it seems.  I am apparently way too nice and do way more for others than I get back.  Or so they say.  I work on emotions, not facts.  Not always a good thing.  I am quite talented art wise..  or at least I'd like to think I am.

What about you ?

Just Cats. Because.