Sep 22, 2010

August 16 - I know what I want (Alternative Title: Issues)

Society wants us to conform to their norms. 'They' want us to do things a certain way. I don't do well with society, apparently. I don't want to be pressured into being a certain way or doing certain things because 'they' expect it from me, whoever 'they' are. I don't want to conform because it's the 'normal' thing to do. I want to be radically different. I want to be the exception. I want to make things work my way. I want to build trust, without the thought the that I have to. I want to make a relationship and a friendship work because it just does. I don't want to have to work on it. I want to make it happen. Just happen. Naturally.

My Facebook relationship status is 'Single'. His Facebook relationship status is 'Single'. We are 'in a relationship'. Does that make sense to anybody else except me?
Everything is there. The love. The intimacy. The magic. The excitement. It's there. We don't need a superficial Facebook status to make all that happen. We don't need to announce what we have to the world. Just yet. Is that a problem?

I have issues. I have baggage. I admit it. So does he. Less than I do, I guess, but he does. Issues, I've learned, is another way of saying that you know exactly what you want. I have trust issues. I don't want someone I cannot trust with everything in me. I don't want to have to have eyes on the back of my head to be with someone. I don't want to worry, or wonder, or wait. I don't want to have to be controlling, or jealous. I don't want any of the stress that goes with mistrust.

I have body issues. I'm not skinny, by a long shot. I'm not fat either, I guess. Or so they say. I just don't love my body. I hate it. I hate that I can't wear the clothes I want to. I hate that I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I hate that I have no self-control. I hate that I love food, and cooking, and eating yummy things. I know it's my own fault, I know it's a weakness, but it's not like I do nothing. I love jogging, I'm working really hard on it. I love going to the gym, but I don't have the money for it. I eat healthy, I eat (a lot) less. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm a Goddess or something. He loves touching me and holding me and looking at me. He loves me just the way I am, or so he says. He thinks I'm so much more beautiful than anyone he can imagine, mostly because I'm real. I'm ME.
Thing is, I know he thinks all that, I know he probably believes it, too. But... I know it's not real. I know that the girl in the mall is thinner than I am. I know his girl friends are pretty and sexy. I know that the girl at the party is fun and sponteous. I know that the girl at his work, or one of his clients, have beautiful breasts that look great in a halterneck top. I know all of this... I'm just waiting for him realize it. I'm so scared of the day that he realizes there is so much better out there, and... you know... leave.

I have confidence, I know I do. But no one seems to realize that most of it is a mask. I'm so good at putting on my mask, that I hardly take it off for myself anymore. Sad much?

I have time issues. I'm a pain in the ass when it comes to being on time and doing things as planned (mostly). Him? He has all the time in the world. Most people do. I don't, usually. Depends what it entails of course. If someone made specific plans with me, or visa versa, I want to stick to the plans and be timely about it too. It's just good manners, don't you think? I know where I get it from though... my millitary up-bringing. That should say a lot about me already. I was raised this way. It's all I know. I'm trying to work on it, though. I really am. I'm trying to relax and I keep reminding myself that the world doesn't revolve around me and my time. The world won't come to an end if I'm late or if things don't happen as planned. If everyone else can get away with it, so can I, right? I don't know about that... yet.

I procrastinate. I hate it. I've mentioned it before, and I hate it. No explanation needed. I'm contradicting myself huh?! Weird.

Point is, I don't want to go barging into a relationship if I'm not ready for it. I want to be sure. 100%. Is that too much to ask? I want to get as close to my fairytale as possible. I want to build a friendship before building a relationship, while being completely honest about my feelings all the way. He knows how I feel about him. He knows what I want and how I want it. I know what he wants too, and I know how he feels. the feeling is mutual, but it doesn't mean that we have to rush into anything! Remember, this is our second time 'round. I want to get it right.

Is it even possible? Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? Am I being unrealistic?

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