Ouch - 16/06/2005

Another piece I wrote about Roald in 2005. Clearly, we had issues. I look back on what I wrote and years later, and now that I know everything about what happened back then, I realize how he succeeded in manipulating me. Time and time again. It was always my fault. It was me doing something wrong. Meanwhile he was playing me like... like... Oh I don't know! Meanwhile he was standing behind the same door and more. Unbelievable really. But believe it. I lived it. Thank goodness I got off easy on that one. It could have been a lot worse. I know that. I was never my fault in the end. It was never ME doing things wrong around every corner. He just made me believe it was. And broke me down to nothing.

I'm only sixteen love, only sixteen!
I'm so young and so stupid, and so full of sh!t.
So how can you love me? The way I am?
I sometimes think you're out of your mind, you have to be,
To still be stuck with me! What am I to you?
The love of your life? But how? Why me?
There have been so many before me, so many you've
Loved so dearly and deeply, that also make you think
It's for real. But in the end you chose to be stuck with me,
To forgive me! How do you do it?

Can I tell you a secret? There are things that have driven us
Apart that I've done wrong, that I don't think was worth it in the end.
All the lies about Fanie long ago, all the stories that are so
Ridiculous to me, they all reached your ears and reached your heart.
In the end I created it, but it was still only stories love!
I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know if it just comes
naturally to fuck up my own relationships and to lose the ones
I love the most, in the end. But why???
How the hell do I do it without even realizing it?!

The age old excuse of "It's not you, it's me"... it doesn't work,
And I know it. Don't bother telling me over and over again.
But you know what? It's true. It really is just me.
I guess I've got a lot of growing up to do, even though I might
not always think so. I'm young and I'm stupid and for some
fucking reason I find it easy to fuck up the precious things in my life.
And I don't know why!! But baby, I want so badly for you to know
That I'm sorry and that this all going to stop, that I'm going
to stop being so utterly stupid all the time and that I only want
the best for you! But how?

I can't stand to tell you all this while I know you don't believe a word
I'm saying, while you sit there with history in your head
About what I did and think it will never stop and that I'll
just keep doing it to you time and time again. I don't know anymore!!
Just like you don't know anymore. I'm so emotionally
drained because of all this, and I'm not blaming you at all, I'm
blaming myself. I hate myself. So think about this, it's not just you
who has to take time to forgive me, I have to forgive myself.
And it's harder than you may think, I've got a lot to think about.

So sorry my love
For being hopelessly me!

Author: Maryke Pretorius