Mar 24, 2010

Blind - 31/03/2005

I wrote this in 2005 while dating Roald. And yes, now that I look back I can't believe I let myself fall into that trap. I can't believe I lost myself and gave up so much for a guy, and I was so young! Let's just say... I was young and stupid. Roald and I didn't exactly have the perfect relationship. Obviously. He was paranoid, possessive and jealous. Urgh! But, as I always say... never regret something that made you happy once. You learn something out of every bad situation. He taught me a lot, for sure.

How do you change the past when something bad has happened? I bed you'd want to change the past when you did something stupid that affected something serious in your life. I bet you'd want to change your surroundings sometimes, the things you did and said.

I want to change my stupid actions, it's affected my relationship a lot and I know it's going to take a while to redeem myself. I've already tried so hard, but it's not hard enough.
What else can I do?
I've offered up my whole life to him, I've alienated myself to almost everyone I know. My friends accuse me of hiding away and not being myself anymore. I suppose they're right...

But I do it all for him, he just doesn't realize it. How can I make him see? He's so blind, really. He doesn't see me as I am; he takes me for granted and expects me to always be there for him. And you know what? I will always be there for him, stupid me!

He's changed me a lot, and I hate it. My bubbly personality is gone, my care-free nature, everything. I'm different, very different. And it's all for him... I can't lead my usual life anymore, he's taken control of me and he's made me afraid. Afraid of going somewhere and being wrongfully accused of something I didn't do, like all the other times.

He's accused me of cheating when I haven't. He's accused me of becoming a lesbian when I haven't. I wonder if he has a guilty conscious...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

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