Mar 30, 2010

I feel like a lost Fart

I'm a bit confused... I'm a bit speechless... I'm a bit under-emotional... Sounds weird doesn't it? I don't know quite how to explain it. But for the first time when someone says 'I love you more', I believe them. I know I have a lot of love to give. I know I have a lot of myself and my happiness and so much more to give. Problem is, I think I've run out. For the time being at least. I feel empty. Not depressingly empty, just... empty. Like I feel almost nothing. I don't miss anyone. I don't regret anything. I don't want to do much of anything. I don't feel like laughing and I don't feel like crying either. I feel almost nothing.

Is this normal?

Okay... let me come clean. Gerhard is back in my life. He's doing outstandingly well in getting me back into his life and making me feel loved and all that jazz. He has closed his back doors and started out clean with me. He's really giving it his all. He might even be moving closer to where I live. But... But what?! I don't know. I know I care for him. A lot. I think I love him. With my emotions playing roller coaster with me lately... or rather... not playing AT ALL... I'm so unsure. I know we've been through a lot. To be honest, I think I've kind of closed myself off to him and everyone else. Maybe it's like a defense mechanism? After the way he hurt me.. and some other people hurt me.. maybe I'm kind of protecting myself? Maybe I still need to 'de-frost'. If you know what I mean?

I feel like a lost fart!


Ella Unread said...

Idk what to say, I've felt empty before but I knew it was because I didn't love. Idk what's in your case but I hope u feel better soon. You're my blogger bff, did you know?

Maryx said...

Really?? Wow thanks... =) I'm feeling better already