I had a friend once. She was there for me when I needed her. She never let me feel lonely and she didn't always have better things to do. Okay sometimes she did but not always. This friend and I share a lot of memories. We went to school together, but never really knew each other. We only knew about each other and shared the odd conversation here and there. Finally, we found each other after school. It was fate. Our friendship grew to something beautiful. She became my PERSON. The one I had to tell everything to. The one who knew me so well. The one I trusted with my life and my deep, dark secrets and everyday happenings. The one I could cry with. The one who kept me up and about and positive.
Thing is... just as much as I thought she was my friend. My best friend. Just that much she thought/thinks that Gerhard is her (guy) friend. That's the ex by the way. Is it just me that finds that disturbing? It is just me that finds it disturbing that she would choose him above me?
She stood up for him. When we broke up. She told me what a huge mistake I made and asked me how can I expect him to be honest with me if I'm not completely honest with him. That he does NOT have to tell me everything. That I don't tell her everything and that I don't trust her. Things like that. Excuse me... not to be mean or anything but WHAT does my relationship have to do with her? Isn't it MY choice what I do and how I feel? And how can she stand up for him after everything he's done? Did she just look past all of that? Did she just decide that he is so much more important to her than I am?
Excuse me but... that hurts. She freaked out on me and all I could do was sit there staring at the words on my screen. Yes. It was over Gmail Chat. Nice huh? Isn't friends supposed to be there for one another? Isn't friends supposed to support one another? Isn't friends supposed to be each others shoulders to cry on and pillars of strength? That's what I thought. That's what I share with my other friends. That's what I thought her and I shared. I guess I was wrong.
I thought she was comfortable with me. I thought she fully accepted me. After all we've shared, I really thought... Oh well I guess that's just how life goes huh? Maybe our river has run it's course. Maybe we've done and meant everything we were supposed to, to each other. But maybe, just maybe, it's not over yet. I can't say I didn't try. I started talking to her, after she lost her temper with me. I didn't need to, I just did. Better person perhaps? I invited her over. Twice. In one weekend. (Which by the way is nothing compared to the amount of time we used to spend together). She came over once. And hated it. What did I do wrong? I tried to talk to her. I tried to draw her into the group. I wasn't the only only one. And it's not like she didn't know the people. It's just that the people have now become couples. I don't see what's wrong with that but she hates it. Shouldn't she be happy for her friends? As I am?
Maybe she thinks it's easy for me because I'm strong and blah blah blah. Well guess what, it's not. It hurts me inside... seeing my friends so happy and so in love. It hurts because I don't have that. Anymore. But you know what? I love them more than I love myself and I don't have time for my OWN pity parties, much less other peoples'... and that's why I'm HAPPY for them. Truly, truly happy. When they are happy I am happy. Even if I have to distance myself a little bit. It's okay. Because I know they would do the same for me. I know they'll be happy and supportive with almost any guy I introduce them to. That's what friends are for. And I definitely don't see the need to divide our friendships because they are now in relationships and I'm not.
I have learned my lesson. No matter how much I love her and how much I want her in my life... I don't see this as being a true friendship. It hurts too much. I don't know how to trust her anymore. I don't know how to tell her things anymore. I don't know who she will tell or how she will turn on me next. All the while thinking that... I wouldn't betray HER. I don't get it.