I have been talking to Gerhard lately. Slowly but surely, but I have. I feel good about it though. Just last week, we had a long conversation about all sorts of things. Mainly about him though. I asked about him and the other girl. I asked about his feelings for her and her feelings for him. And it did it objectively. I am very proud of myself. I didn't break down. I didn't freak out. I don't think I even mentioned 'us'. I mentioned aspects of us and the things between us, yes. We spoke about things that he has to work on in himself. It's very necessary. He doesn't know himself. I mean, I told him things about himself that he didn't really want to hear, but that he had to hear. He doesn't understand that I know him that well. Well, there are a million different reasons for that of course. Most of which, he doesn't even know.
I am well on my way to forgiveness and I really, really like the feeling. There is the calm that has settled over me. Regarding Gerhard. Regarding my career. Regarding my studies. Regarding my emotions. I love it! I know what I want. I am happy with myself. I am striving for more. I appreciate the little things. I want so much more out of life and out of a relationship. I deserve so much more. And you know what? If he deserves more than me, if he wants more than me, that is his business. I will help him and support him as far as I can, but I can only go so far.
I wonder if he knows what he wants though. I know he can't get over me. Yeah well join the club mate. But what I don't understand is why he can't decide what he wants from me, what he wants to do, what he wants to let happen and what he wants to bring to a stop. There are many things he has to think long and hard about. For himself. Things that I sometimes have to remind him of.
I've learned that it's true what they say - If you love someone enough, you want them to be happy, regardless if it's with you or not.
I've learned that if you love someone enough, nothing will stand in your way, not even your insecurities.
I've learned that if you put your mind to it, you will achieve it.
I've learned that I am multi-faceted, and it's amazing. I really wish that Gerhard can open himself up to the same journey.
I've learned that if you want something bad enough, you will make it happen, but if you don't, you will procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate.
I've learned that if you want all the wonders and gifts of love in a relationship, you will through your all into it. But if you don't care much, or you're unsure, you will be satisfied with so much less. And that is sad...
I've learned so many things that I wish I could share with him, but I know I can't. He has to learn, or realize it himself. He thinks he is ready for marriage and kids and house and home, but I honestly don't think he is. You can't put an age on things like that. It might happen at 20, at 23, at 26, at 30 or even at 35 and later. You can't rush into it. You can't make-believe.
Okay I guess I'm rambling a bit, I usually don't know how to put this shit into words of my own. Urgh!! Deal with it.