Jan 28, 2011


You'll never change and I think that scares me a lot.  I can point out your faults, like you do mine, and try and help you, but what does it bring me?  I'm telling you things that will perhaps make someone else happy.  Not me.  You just don't feel the same way about me.  And I can tell myself, even convince myself a lot of the times, that you are in the past, and that I deserve more than you and I need more than you and that you are absolutely toxic to me and my well-being - it doesn't help.  It's true, but it doesn't help.  I don't believe it, just for the plain fact that I love you so much.

Assumption is the mother of all fcuk-ups they say... well so are expectation and even hope.  I hate hoping.  It's something you can't control.  It's something that comes so naturally, so involuntarily, that you cannot control it.  Yet, most of the time, it just disappoints.

I want to tell you that I'll wait forever.  I want to tell you that I hope, beyond hope, that you are still the one for me and that your eyes will really open someday and you'll realize this.  I want to tell you that I am worth it and that I won't ever hurt you.  I want to tell you that I trust you fully, in all aspects, and that I will just carry on hoping and sticking around until you realize I'm here.  I want to tell you that I will go through all this pain and heartache over and over and over again, I will fight with you and for you every day of my life, just to have you back in my arms, forever.  I want to tell you that your worth all of that and more.

I want to tell you all of this, because it's true.

But... I'm so tired.  It hurts so much.  I feel like I want to just not exist, sometimes.  You break me down, you make me feel like nothing.  You make me feel like I'm not worth it.  You make me feel like I'm not enough.  You've even said as much to me.  That hurts.  Not getting back, what I give you, hurts.  Not having you there for me, hurts.  Not being able to share everything with you, hurts.  I don't know how much I can handle before I fall apart.  And I fall apart quite often.  What if someday, I won't be able to pick myself back up again?  I know I'm strong, but... what if I'm not strong enough?

My common sense draws the line.  The mind is powerful.  I know that.  And I try and draw all my strength from that fact.  I know I have to stay away from you, to help myself.  I know I have to not talk to you.  I know I have to stop thinking about you and wanting you.  I know all these things.. but it's hard.

Why do I settle for the crumbs when I deserve (and want) the whole damn bread?!
I guess because they taste so damn delicious.

You're like a drug.  So toxic and so bad for me, yet I'm addicted.  You will probably end up killing me, like an overdose on a drug.  But I can't stop.  I can't wait for my next fix.

I need some rehab, for sure.

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