Jan 7, 2011

Friends are Treasures

I love my friends.  Guy friends.  Girl friends.  I don't know what I would do, or be, without them.  I don't know where I would be.  Sometimes... they know me better than I know myself.  Sometimes...  they see me so much better.  And I need that, believe me.

A very dear friend of mine had the good heart to talk to me today.  Really talk to me.  He asked me questions and he told me to speak from the heart.  He wants to know what's going on in there.  No matter what.  He had no idea that I was so far into that black hole that I tell everyone I'm not in.  I tell everyone I'm fine.  I tell everyone I'm strong.  But, in fact, I'm far from it.  And he knew it.  Somehow.  I didn't want to talk to anyone because I sound silly to myself!  I didn't even want to think about what other people would think of me.  But does it really matter?  It seems... it does.  I don't want people to know when I'm falling apart, because then they'll ask me about it and they'll want to help, or they'll try and give me advice.  I'll end up cracking, having to think about it that much, I'll end up crying and making a scene or something.  I'd rather avoid that side of me, thank you.
My friend and I had a long talk today.  And the more I talk, the more I share, the more he analyzes and gives me advice, or he tells me something so profound, so true, that I haven't even thought of yet.  He opened my eyes.  He gave me some options.  He told me about myself.  How weird, to hear about yourself from someone Else's perspective.  It so happens, that I really an alright gal.  And apparently, too humble.  I've never really though of myself as humble, but I guess he's not that far off.

I asked him the question that's been bothering me a lot - Why can't I hate Gerhard?  I should hate him.  I should despise him.  But I don't.  I love him.  I want him.  But I don't hate him.  I don't even dislike him, really.  His answer?  "Because you can't, you're too good a person.  Why would you think, or want, to change who you have been for 22 years, because of him, or because of what he did to you?".  He's right, of course.  I can't hate.  I don't want to hate, it's not who I am.  It's not who I want to be.  I might dislike some people, but I don't hate them.  I don't have it in me.  I love.  I care.  I give.  I make.  I nurture.  I cherish.  I don't hate.  And now... because I can't get myself to hate him, but think that I have to, I am having some sort of inner battle with myself, which is definitely draining me.  Emotionally and physically.

But what I need to do... is forgive him.  It's a hard thing to do.  Forgiveness doesn't just come to you.  It doesn't just happen.  And you can't just make it happen.  It's a choice, yes.  But it's so much more than than.  It's a life.  It's a feeling.  It's ... peace.  I want to forgive him.  I need to forgive him.  You know why I think I have trouble with forgiving him?  It's as if I think that if I forgive him, completely, he will think it's okay.  That he will come back into my life when he feels fit, or when he's lonely again or something, and just repeat the pattern.  Just hurt me all over again.  I don't want him to do that.  I know that, when I forgive him, and he walks back into my life, I will let him.  And he knows it, too.  I'm scared I won't have the strength to stand up for myself and for what I want.  I'm scared I'll let him hurt me again.  It's like he's bargaining on my love for him to invite him back in, no questions asked.

I want to be stronger than this, but it's so hard.  My friend, at first, thought that I have a problem with being single.  Honestly, I don't.  My problem lies with him and the fact that he has so much control over me.  It aggravates me.  It makes me weak.  I'm not weak.  Usually.

My friend mentioned religion as well.  Praying.  Going to church.  Reading Bible.  Surrounding myself with positive people and positive things.  My faith isn't as strong as I'd like it to be.  I need help.  I'm scared.

I'm not okay, and I'm sick of pretending to be so strong.  I've been through a lot, and I don't want any more of it.  I want happiness.  I want love.  I want the old me back.  The one... before him.  Before he destroyed me.  I don't think I can do it alone, but maybe I have to.  That's what friends are for, right?


Sally-Sal said...

Being strong is overrated. I think real strength lies in admitting sometimes that you're not okay. Sometimes it's braver to take a hand when it's offered than to offer a hand to help someone else up.

I'm glad you have friends like that in your life, they make all the difference in the world.

Abby said...

Sally is right... It takes a lot to admit that things are not all right and that you might need some changes. Or that you need time to grow out of a situation you are in. I'm glad that your friends are so wonderful like that... that they can see what's going on and help you through stuff.

Ella Unread said...

I think your friend is right, you should surround yourself with things/activities that make you feel good.
I don't think being vulnerable is a bad thing, it's like we're always told we have to be strong but the thing is, it is OK to burst out and start all over once in a while...
I think that the fact that you are admitting you miss your old self is a great step...don't give up Maryx...just keep working on it (and please oh please, if someone doesn't make you happy then that only means it's not the right person for you).
I love you my dear friend.

michael said...

Your friend may have been right. You may be afraid of being single. You may be terribly afraid of having no one to love (I know I am).

But it's okay to be alone. The world isn't perfect. I mean, how boring would it be if everything always worked out, if we never had to fight (others, and ourselves) for love?

You may never truly be the person you used to be, but you can always choose to change who you are right now.

You're becoming a bit better, a bit wiser, and a bit more amazing by the day. I hope you see that.

ladytruth said...

You might not be the person you were before you met him, but who is the same after any relationship? Take what you can from it, learn from it, remember it and use it for when you're in a situation that requires it. Just stay true to yourself and your feelings and don't worry about being strong in front of or for other people. Go have fun for once and stop thinking too much. It's not so good for the brain :)

Maryx said...

Sal - You have a point... Thanks for stopping by.

Abby - You're right, I need to grow out of this situation. And yes, I appreciate my friends so much.

Ella - Thanks my friend. You are such an inspiration!

Michael - Thanks for helping me see...

Vinita Santhosh said...

Like i always say.. its ok to admit that you are weak... all people out there are like that... its ok to admit that you are the way you are... surround yourself with friends, & activities & be what you want to be.. n you will see for urself the changes it will bring in you...

Anonymous said...

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.