I love my friends. Guy friends. Girl friends. I don't know what I would do, or be, without them. I don't know where I would be. Sometimes... they know me better than I know myself. Sometimes... they see me so much better. And I need that, believe me.
A very dear friend of mine had the good heart to talk to me today. Really talk to me. He asked me questions and he told me to speak from the heart. He wants to know what's going on in there. No matter what. He had no idea that I was so far into that black hole that I tell everyone I'm not in. I tell everyone I'm fine. I tell everyone I'm strong. But, in fact, I'm far from it. And he knew it. Somehow. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I sound silly to myself! I didn't even want to think about what other people would think of me. But does it really matter? It seems... it does. I don't want people to know when I'm falling apart, because then they'll ask me about it and they'll want to help, or they'll try and give me advice. I'll end up cracking, having to think about it that much, I'll end up crying and making a scene or something. I'd rather avoid that side of me, thank you.
My friend and I had a long talk today. And the more I talk, the more I share, the more he analyzes and gives me advice, or he tells me something so profound, so true, that I haven't even thought of yet. He opened my eyes. He gave me some options. He told me about myself. How weird, to hear about yourself from someone Else's perspective. It so happens, that I really an alright gal. And apparently, too humble. I've never really though of myself as humble, but I guess he's not that far off.
I asked him the question that's been bothering me a lot - Why can't I hate Gerhard? I should hate him. I should despise him. But I don't. I love him. I want him. But I don't hate him. I don't even dislike him, really. His answer? "Because you can't, you're too good a person. Why would you think, or want, to change who you have been for 22 years, because of him, or because of what he did to you?". He's right, of course. I can't hate. I don't want to hate, it's not who I am. It's not who I want to be. I might dislike some people, but I don't hate them. I don't have it in me. I love. I care. I give. I make. I nurture. I cherish. I don't hate. And now... because I can't get myself to hate him, but think that I have to, I am having some sort of inner battle with myself, which is definitely draining me. Emotionally and physically.
But what I need to do... is forgive him. It's a hard thing to do. Forgiveness doesn't just come to you. It doesn't just happen. And you can't just make it happen. It's a choice, yes. But it's so much more than than. It's a life. It's a feeling. It's ... peace. I want to forgive him. I need to forgive him. You know why I think I have trouble with forgiving him? It's as if I think that if I forgive him, completely, he will think it's okay. That he will come back into my life when he feels fit, or when he's lonely again or something, and just repeat the pattern. Just hurt me all over again. I don't want him to do that. I know that, when I forgive him, and he walks back into my life, I will let him. And he knows it, too. I'm scared I won't have the strength to stand up for myself and for what I want. I'm scared I'll let him hurt me again. It's like he's bargaining on my love for him to invite him back in, no questions asked.
I want to be stronger than this, but it's so hard. My friend, at first, thought that I have a problem with being single. Honestly, I don't. My problem lies with him and the fact that he has so much control over me. It aggravates me. It makes me weak. I'm not weak. Usually.
My friend mentioned religion as well. Praying. Going to church. Reading Bible. Surrounding myself with positive people and positive things. My faith isn't as strong as I'd like it to be. I need help. I'm scared.
I'm not okay, and I'm sick of pretending to be so strong. I've been through a lot, and I don't want any more of it. I want happiness. I want love. I want the old me back. The one... before him. Before he destroyed me. I don't think I can do it alone, but maybe I have to. That's what friends are for, right?