Happy New Year.
It's a new year with new beginnings. It is time to say 'out with the old and in with the new'. Or so they say. On the last day of 2010, you decided to come back into my life. I don't know what to think of that. I was okay, you know? I had actually started to accept my fate, even if I didn't like it. The hurt I felt, had become this numbness that I knew I would be living with for a while. I knew I had to deal with it somehow, but I was still trying to figure out how.
You came to my house with roses and chocolates. What did you expect? That I would come running back? I asked you what you were doing here and you told me that you cannot live without me, that you have a hard time staying away from me. That you love me. You denied any knowledge of the pictures you sent to her too, even though I proved it. Can I belive you? I guess I just really want to.
You left your NY's eve party with her, to come to me. You sought me out and found me, on your own. I guess that says something right?
We went into 2011 together. Another year. You were, once again, my first kiss for the year. You gave me my 'mojo' back. I think you had it all along. I was a wreck before you got there. A lost cause. I hated not having you there. And apparently, you hated not being with me.
I spoke my mind and I told you how I felt, that I can't stand to go through it all again. You can't use me and leave me as you please, just because you can. Just because you know I love you and that I can't say no to you. I won't let you.
"You can't say it's a failure, until you've tried".
Wise words. But can you really? Can you really try? Can you put your whole heart into it? I have to wonder. I never once thought that we were a failure, because I know we never got the chance to really give it a shot. And now, you want to.
My heart, my sould, my whole being is screaming "Yes!!", but something else is saying "Please, be careful". Do you think it's those walls I have built? Maybe it is, maybe it's my common sense. I don't know. I just know, I need more. I won't be your back-up plan.