I CAN

I clearly have issues.  I had another dream last night and I don't know what to make of it.  I dreamed that I was was pregnant, again.  In the dream, I was pregnant, but not really showing a belly.  In the dream, I was in labor, I was on the way to giving birth.  Slowly, but surely.  It was so strange.  I wasn't in a hospital, I was at a house, in the garden, with people all around me.  There were friends, family  and acquaintances from all walks of life there.  Supporting me.  Helping me.  Talking and socializing.  There was food and drink and everyone was having a good time, too.  Except for me and my labor pains, of course, but everyone was there to take care of me and make sure I was comfortable and all that jazz.  I even had a male 'midwife'!

In the dream, I knew the father was Gerhard.  But he wasn't there.  In the dream, I still remember thinking that I will send him a message that his child was born healthy and beautiful, and the child's name.  This, in fact, is exactly what happened to my mother, and one of the things I'm quite terrified about.  One of the things he said he would never do to me.  But in the dream, he did.  I was okay, though.  I had everyone who ever loved me there.  I knew we would be okay.  I knew we would be taken care of.

I woke up before I 'gave birth' and before I sent him the message in the dream.  I could hardly move, it was the strangest feeling.  I don't know what to make of it, but I think I will take it as a good sign.  I will be okay, without him.  I will be okay...  I am stronger than anything he can throw at me.  And he's thrown me with a lot.  He's tried to break me, but he won't succeed.

I will 'have that child', without him.  I have a big support system.  I have so much to be grateful for.

I can.