May 14, 2010

Thoughtful Question #12

I hate this question...
They make it sound so easy to change things and change situations. To make decisions. Big decisions. Small decisions. People are different. People handle different things in different ways. Some people don't agree. Others do. You can't just 'Do it now!'. Not all of it...

I want to pack up and leave. I really, really want to. I want to quit my job (I know I have to work 1 month notice period), pack my things and go to Natal. Find myself a place to live (my friend also has some space for me) and find myself a new job and a new life over there. Doesn't sound too hard, huh? Yeah right. . .

I have debt. I know. Terrible. But honestly, who doesn't? Even just a little bit? You?! Oh. Okay. My bad. =D And I can't just magically get rid of my debt or put it on hold. I have a car. Thank goodness I don't have to pay for the car itself, but FFS - the amount of repairs my car requires is enough to make anyone wanna hang themselves sometimes. I have car insurance. I have laptop insurance. I have my cellphone account. I have my Internet access account.  I have... so many things that I have to pay.  I'm sure if I make work of it I can stop a couple of these things (pls not my Internet access?!) but the point is... if I pack up and leave my job and move some place else - I still need to be able to pay those things.  I need to have a job when I get to my destination.  I would also, really, like a place to stay.  Of my own.  Obviously.  But hell, I can't afford it now, how will I do it there?

Then... I think about the emotional side of packing my things and leaving.  I think about the people I'm leaving behind.  My friends.  Who need me.  Who I need.  My family.  Who I can't live without.  Who support me and love me and care for me.  My grandmother, for example.  I've already lost my grandfather, what if I lose my grandmother, too?!  What if it happens when I'm so far away.  What if I don't get to spend enough time with her?  What if something happens to my mom?  My aunt?  My uncle?  My friends?  Anyone really!!  No one is going to pack up and move after me.  They have their lives here.  And they are happy with their lives...  I really have such a support system here.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Why would I want to leave?

I feel like a need a change.  Not just any change, like a haircut or someone new in my life... A BIG CHANGE.  I don't quite know how to achieve that.  I don't quite know what to do or how to make it happen.  I know I analyse too much sometimes, but I don't think that's such a bad thing.  I think ahead.  I plan.  And however much I crave to be spontaneous...  I can't get myself that far.  In certain things.

But the question and realization behind the question of 'If not now, then when?'... really makes me think.  Of so many things.  We (most of us) are so afraid of change.  We are so careful and we plan things out.  Sometimes it seems impossible to us and we just kind of give it up.  We push it aside and forget about it.  But honestly... shouldn't we just MAKE THINGS HAPPEN?!  No one else is going to make it happen for us!

I wish it was that easy... I really have to work on that.  Nothing is impossible.  If you want something enough you will make it happen, if you don't, you never wanted it that badly.

What are YOU holding back on??

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