Thoughtful Question #14

Do I have to choose? Can't I have both? Then I guess more time would do for me. Money I can make a plan for. But time? I never have enough.

What about you?

We fell in love... (By Hayley)

Her Heart is In The Clouds and she going through a helluva time. I came across her blog recently and found her writing very inspiring and real. I have to share this with you...

We fell in love...

Which is when the world stopped turning.

Which is when the birds fell silent.

Which is when the clouds all breathed in at the same time.

Which is when lies became truth.

Which is when pain became love.

Which is when fires burned blue.

Which is when red flowers bloomed.

Which is when snow fell.

Which is when ice became water.

Which is when the universe smiled.

Which is when the sunshine and the moonlight met.

Which is when the air became thick.

Which is when every guitar in the world strummed the same three chords over and over.

Which is when the dead rolled over and wished to live again.

Which is when aliens on other worlds looked up into the heavens and gasped.
When is when hurricanes and storms and floods swept through us.

Which is when tears fell from willows at the beauty of it all.
Which is when we were laying in bed face to face.

Which is when riots and madness chased themselves through the streets.
Which is when angels were filled with envy.

Which is when vampires threw back their heads and howled.
Which is when my head rested on your chest and my body moved to your heartbeat.
Which is when your lips touched my mouth.

Which is when you walked away.
Which is when I stood here begging you not to leave.
Which is when I pleaded for you see the beauty in growth and the future.

Which is when skin crawled...

Which is when you made my world perfect; perfect timing, thank you for always getting inside my head and making me feel better. Making me feel like I’m not the only one on this Earth with a heart- A true, beautiful, pure heart.

Which is when I looked in those big beautiful eyes, and changed

Accept me for who I am, not who I was. Please see the beauty in the person who I am now

and the person who loves you more than anything on the face of this earth. Despite the fact that I want you to stay here with me more than anything in the world, you are free to make your own choices... and every moment when you stop for just one second to think, know that I’m thinking about you at that very moment- I promise.

I love you

I've missed you

I have my friend back. Finally. We had (have) our differences. We made mistakes. Things were said. Things were done. Some things I will never understand. But I don't think I have to. I've missed her and I'm glad she's back in my life. I've missed talking to her. I've missed the level of friendship I had with her. I do hope we can have it again. I do hope we can heal together.

Welcome back, my friend. I think, I hope, we've both learned a lesson from our past. I don't think we'll put ourselves, or each other, through it again. I hope we don't.

I've missed you. I still love you like nothing ever happened. I hope you can love me back.


(No it's NOT This Friend)

hearts and truths (memoir #1)

How do you know you are truly in love with someone?

I must have asked myself this question a thousand times. You see, I once thought that life was boring. I used to hate all of the endless, unchanging days. But all it took was a single moment with one person to change my life forever.

I met her on Canada day. The sun was busy burning the clouds like a child with a magnifying glass scorching ants, the glare from sunglasses shone all around, and I could taste the humidity in the air. We were two bored teenagers staring into oblivion. I sat beside her and she was the one who broke the silence.
“This weather’s amazing. It always seems to rain where I live.”
I found it funny. I had always thought of Vancouver as the rainy city. She had just turned eighteen and was visiting Vancouver before returning to New York for college. We started talking about writing, relationships, and psychology – she told me she wanted to become a high school counsellor. We talked for hours, and even though we had just met, it was as if I was talking to an old friend. I felt like I might have known her my entire life.

Before we knew it, we were surrounded by the night and covered in a blanket of starlight. The shimmer of the moon on her face, and the tiny specks of blue in her eyes, created a lull in time. In that single moment, we were the only people on this lonely planet of ours. Under the soft glow of the moon, I thought I could see my future in her eyes. I could see green fields with skies of blue, sandy shores framed by sunsets, lazy mornings of sunrays, and nights lit by twilight. I knew at that instant my life would somehow be different, no matter what happened afterwards. I remember thinking that for one moment in my life, the universe had conspired to bring us together. I know that moment may have only been a sliver of time in our lives, but all I wanted was to remain there forever.
And I would’ve fought with everything I had to hold on to it.

But how does one fight against time?

The next day, she asked to meet with me again. She wouldn’t say why, but I knew I couldn’t say no. I sat in the center of the park, watching the green arms of the trees sway in the wind, and listening to the birds singing songs of a distant winter. My mind couldn’t help but wonder how such an ordinary day could be so magnificent. And then I saw her. Streams of tears ran down her face, smudging her mascara. The despair that I saw in her eyes made it seem as if she might never see a sunny day again.
Then I remembered the way she looked the night before, and somehow I saw that beauty still in her – the way the sun illuminated her face, and the way her gold-tinted auburn hair bobbed in the wind. I don’t think I ever realized just how beautiful a person could be until I met her.
She walked up to me and sat down, trying to mask the sadness with a smile.
“Hey, can I ask you a question?”
I wondered if she felt that same assurance and warmth that I felt when I was with her. It was like we were each other’s sanctuary, providing some measure of comfort and solace from the world.
“Of course,” I replied.

She told me that things weren’t going well with her boyfriend – that even a week’s worth of a long distance relationship was straining them. She told me that love couldn’t possibly be this complicated. Then she asked me something that would change the way I would see the world for the rest of my life.
She looked at me with tired eyes.
“If a person says they love you, but they don’t feel it half the time, what does that mean? How do you know you’re truly in love with someone?”
I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to tell her that she didn’t deserve to be with someone who didn’t love her, but I felt the cold, icy hand of fear on my shoulder. I froze. All it took was one subversive thought to hobble my heart and overturn what I knew I had to do.
“Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
I wish I had known that she would break up with him later that week. Maybe then I would’ve kicked myself before saying what I had said next.
“Then fight for him. Because love is one of the few things left in this world that is still worth fighting for.”
She looked at me with the eyes of a child, and I knew that I had given her hope. I had given her hope, but it was at the expense of my own.
“You really think so?”
I wanted to tell her to move on. I wish I could’ve screamed out loud and told her that I loved her, but I didn’t. And I felt sick to my stomach for once again playing the role of a friend – carrying the burden of being just another nice guy.

And so I comforted her and told her all of the things that she already knew. I told her that she was such a wonderful person. I told her that even if it didn’t work out with this one guy, she should never give up on love, because she, too, was something worth fighting for.

Over the next few days, we would continue to talk and grow closer to one another. We would sit for hours on end, having entire conversations through simple glances and silent laughs. We spent one morning in a park listening to music and dancing like no one was watching. One afternoon, she told me about another guy that she’d met a couple of months before at her old high school. She said he was a nice guy – kind of like I was – but she rejected the idea of giving him a chance because she knew they’d be moving away from each other after graduation, and that the past few days had proven long distance relationships just don’t work.

I guess it’s rough for nice guys all around.

We carried on seeing each other for the entire week, but what I will never forget were those long, sleepless nights that we would spend just talking about things. We would talk about everything – our lives, the past, the future, and all of our secret hopes and dreams. We even shared some of our writing, and I will always remember how she called me an over-optimistic, soft-spoken writer; she joked that she was my muse. We became close friends, showing each other every little detail about ourselves. Over the course of a few nights, we had come to know each other intimately.

By the end of the week, we probably only had twenty hours of sleep between the two of us. But we didn’t care, because we had finally found the one thing that no one else had ever cared to do for either of us before – we both found someone who took the time to listen to what we had to say.
And I mean actually listen. It was a perfect moment in my life.

But perfect moments come to an end.

And although I’m still young, I can’t help but feel I’ve obtained some small measure of wisdom in exchange for the piece of my heart she would take with her every time I would hang up the phone, whispering ‘I love you’ one moment too late.

She is back in New York now, and even though we’ve grown apart, I can’t stop thinking about her. I wonder about her. I wonder how she is, how her college life is going, and if she’s happy with her new roommate – I spoke with her room mate once, and it seemed as if she had ten too many cups of caffeine. I would later describe her room mate as ‘peppy’ to her. She laughed uncontrollably at that – like she was a child, once again seeing the humour and wonder in this everyday world of ours. I wish I could make her laugh like that again. I miss her so much. I wonder if she ever realized that she is wonderful in so many ways.

We haven’t really spoken much since then, but she did ask me the question a final time, late one night.
“How do you know you’re truly in love with someone?” She whispered.
She says she has finally found the answer, and that it has something to do with happiness, but I’m still not certain as to what the answer might be.

Anyways, I no longer think the important thing is to question yourself, but to simply cherish and enjoy the precious few moments that you have with someone. Even if it means having to let them go in the end and just going on with life.

But if you can’t do that, I suppose you could always write a memoir.

I am completely and utterly enchanted by Michael's writing. Find his blog on Wordpress (hearts and truths) HERE. Or click on the first sentence of the post. You won't be disappointed. You know you want to...

Really stressed. Really tired.

I wanna run. I wanna scream. I wanna cry. I am so stressed out I feel like I'm on my last nerve and I feel like breaking down and just giving up completely. I don't quite know what is keeping me going, though I know it's necessary. Is it hope? What is it? I am trying to study. I am trying to make time. I am trying not to procrastinate. But it's hard. It really is hard. Working and studying part-time is no jokes people. It's not easy. Not even close. I'm doing quite well so far, though. Not exactly sure how. But I am.

I got 60% for my Marketing Module's Exam!

That's good right? I hope so. They still have to add my assignment mark, my workbook mark and my class test mark to that. To make up the module. I hope it come out good.
I'm busy with the next module now. Principles of Management. It's hard. It's A LOT of work. I'm writing a class test of Saturday and I'm freaking out at the moment. I don't know sh!t. There's not enough hours in the day. The only reason I'm able to blog is because my boss thinks it's okay for me to fcuk around on the internet on company time, but it's NOT okay for me to be productive and study during company time. WHEN.I'M.BORED!!
I don't get it. Meanwhile I'm fidgeting on my chair. I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I'm stressed. I'm really, really tired. Feels like I can sleep for days on end. But I have too much work to do. Clearly - I'm not a student. I don't know how students do it!! I know they have more time on their hands, and I really envy that, but how the hell do they do it?!

Respect.

Goodbye (2005)

No letter, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing.
You just left, disappeared from my life.
In an instant, day turned to night,
Lights turned to shadows.
You're gone...

I have nowhere to go now.
Nowhere to hide. You were my only Utopia.
Now you're gone.

I wanted to let you know I'm sorry.
I wanted to let you know I care.
I don't know what I did wrong,
All I know is that you're gone -
And that you're never coming back.

All I ever wanted was to be in your arms.
All I ever wanted was to love you.
Is that so wrong?
Maybe it is, I don't know.
All I want is to say goodbye now.
Even though it's forever - Goodbye...

I love you

Author: Maryke Pretorius

YOUniverse (My Art)

Art: Eyes Wide Open

About Me:

You have a great appreciation for creativity in all its forms. You really admire talented artists and will always find time to seek out a new exhibition or show. When it comes to your own creativity, you take inspiration and ideas from the world around you. Your eyes are always open for new sources of stimulation. You like to see creativity as something that is free, without boundaries and rules – You’re a rebel at heart.

How I Create:

You unleash your creativity by putting pen to paper. An avid doodler, experimenting with your ideas gives you the freedom to make your mistakes – all part of the process. It’s all about getting stuck in.. being involved means getting hands on. You love the experimentation of your creative process. Your strength lies in the care you take to see things through to the end, with lots of attention to detail.

How I Think:

At heart, you’re a real romantic. You like to take life at a gentle pace and always have your eyes open for new sources of inspiration. Your memories are at the forefront of your imagination, your creativity

YOUniverse (My Mind)

Mind: Voyager

About Me:

You seek new challenges every day. You are easily bored so you need constant stimulation and momentum in your life.

Interaction:

You tend to be quite practical and analytical and try to always make considered decisions. You have quite a conventional approach to life. You appreciate the benefits of planning your time well and do your best to have an ordered mind.

Thinking:

A highly physical person, you have a daring streak and a seemingly limitless enthusiasm for life. You are usually outgoing, friendly and accepting of others. Passion comes naturally to you. You like grand gestures and tend to wear your heart on your sleeves.

Focus:

With a lot of common sense and a positive attitude, you enjoy the buzz of working as part of a team and prefer doing things with other people rather than alone. But you’re probably most comfortable in relaxed settings with your closest friends or your partner. A few special relationships are sometimes worth more than a huge gang of friends.

YOUniverse (My Love)

Crazy in Love!

About:
You’re someone who tends to fall in love completely, with every bone in your body. Once you’re smitten, you probably can’t imagine life without the one you love. In fact, you’re guilty of sometimes placing too much importance on your relationship. It can become the be all and end all in life very quickly so you may end up dependent and possessive and may lose control of the ability to think rationally about the relationship. Be careful! Your need to feel loved could lead to unbalanced partnership. Make sure you don’t scare your lover off by being too intense.

Emotions:
You crave attention from your lover and count down the minutes till the next time you’ll be together. Love is your life blood. It fills you with energy and makes it hard for you to concentrate on anything else. Right now though, things don’t seem to be going quite as planned in the romance stakes. You may be feeling a bit disillusioned by love. But remember, there’s plenty more fish in the sea… You never know what’s waiting around the corner.

Perceptions:
The world can be a very lonely place when love isn’t going the way you’d like. For you, love is always tempestuous. It’s riding those waves that really appeal to your fiery nature. You often remain detached from those around you. You are a true pleasure seeker.

Aspirations:
You’d do anything for the one you love. Love means total devotion. Only by coming together with a love you feel truly complete. The physical side of love is essential to you. Touching really helps you to connect with the one you love. You’re a really social animal. It’s really important to you to be with someone who makes you laugh. Having fun is what keeps the magic alive. Once the spark of passion has died down, this is what will truly endure…

YOUniverse (My Personality)

Personality

Mood (You’re a go getter):

You’re drawn to the drama of a big spectacle and appreciate the unpredictability of nature. You like life rugged and rough around the edges. When it comes to art, you appreciate flair and precision. Highbrow and in the know, you’ve got an eye for fine detail. You like how music helps you unwind, and switch off. Music transports you far away from the everyday grind.

Fun (Escape Artist):

You love to be far away from your everyday life. There’s nothing like catching some rays and slowing down – you know how to take things nice and easy! For kicks, you like to switch off and immerse yourself in another world. You are thoughtful and imaginative, cultured and creative. You like to look at life from a different perspective. When it comes to holidays, you reckon

Habits (Back to Basics):

You’re never happier than when you’re snuggled up, eyes shut. So whether you’re worn out, or just plain lazy, lay back, relax and catch up on some Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs! You’r choice of drink shows that you care about your health and make sure you’re putting the right stuff in. As for the home, you have an expressive personality and like to be in surroundings that lift your mood.

Social (Thoughtful):

For you, friendship is all about being there for one another. It’s so precious to know that there are a few special people in the world that you can always rely on. When you think of freedom – you think of being in charge of your direction. You’d like to sail off into the sunset.

Are you hiding something too?

I don't want people to know what I hide. I don't want people to realize how fragile I really am. I don't want people to think any less of me. Yet.. I need them to. I need them to know that I can also fall apart, contrary to popular belief. I need them to know that I need them more than they care to realize. I need them to know that I need their help, that I need them to stay 'strong' and carry on.

Everyone has something to hide. Everyone has secrets. And so do I. No one wants to admit it. No one wants to admit when they did something wrong, embarrassing or rude. I've done my embarrassing things. I've done things that are wrong. I've done things that are rude. Just like most everybody out there. I regret a lot of the things I did, I cringe to think about it. But in the end... I had to do it. I had to go through it. I learned from it, didn't I? I think I did.

So in the end you can't really regret it. I mean, it's exactly what you wanted at that exact moment. It must have given you some kind of 'happy feeling'? Well that's just what I think.

Everyone has something to hide. And we do our best to hide it, too. We don't know what other people will think of us. We don't know how they'll react or if they'll accept us. I'm not entirely sure why though... true friends, real people... they accept you just the way you are. Past. Present. Future. All included. Well, that's how its supposed to be at least.

I've Realized some things...

I don't know anymore. I feel as if I'm in limbo. I feel as if my whole world has come crashing down but I'm just standing here in the rubble in shock, not realizing what has happened. Not comprehending. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know what caused it. Well... I think Gerhard caused it. But I know it's not just him. It's a whole bunch of things all put together. I've realized a lot of things about myself this past few months. Some good. Some bad. I've really tried to give myself and what I do, more attention. I have made myself think about how I handle certain things and certain situations, if I shouldn't maybe handle it differently and what the outcomes will be, what it will matter etc...

I've realized how much I value honesty. Up to the point of obsession, actually. Is there a point where you have to overlook certain things? Certain lies? I mean, everyone makes mistakes, right? I understand that. I get that. I just have really big problem understand the lies. The reason behind them and why people don't think their lies, and the consequences there of, through. Don't they realize how much it hurts? Or is it just me? I know I have to work on this... I've lost trust in everyone. I've lost trust in people in general. I don't get why I have to (like to) be honest but they don't? How do I overlook this when it just has the habit of popping out at me?? The truth always comes out...

I've realized how much I have to work on my body. I really want to be happy with my body. I really want to be able to wear the things I love and do the things I want... without a second thought! When I'm happy with myself and my body, I will be happier with someone in my life. I will be more comfortable and more self-confident. Unfortunately, I had to leave my Muaythai classes, as my studies were suffering under it. The time just didn't work out for me. But now I've started jogging with a friend of mine. She is extremely patient and supportive of me. She pushes me to my boundaries (I'm not used to jogging okay?!) and makes me feel good about myself. She's so positive!! Exactly what I need! I am already feeling a difference in myself. I have also started eating a high-fibre breakfast every morning and really watching what I eat and when. I have practically stopped smoking, and I'm really staying away from alcohol. (Not that I did any of those in excess, mind you!) I'm quite proud of myself. So Far...

I've realized that I am, indeed, a great friend, but that not everyone necessarily needs me, and I don't necessarily need them. And that I shouldn't expect the same from other people as I give out. Everyone is different and everyone has their own lives, personalities and needs. No one is the same as I am and no one thinks the way I do. I have to accept that. I also have to accept that I am not as important to other people as they are to me. And that it's okay. I have to learn to just let things go. It's easier that way. It hurts less as well.

I've realized that I'm a bit of a perfectionist. I love attention to detail, and I hate it when people don't do things the way I want them done. (Especially at work!) I have to come to terms that not everyone shares in my perfectionism on certain things and that on other things they can be the pain in the ass... as I am with my side of things. (Did that make sense?) Also... some things are just better when you do it yourself. Might save you from getting angry, annoyed or highly irritated. In turn sparing you a bad day.

I've realized that I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I can't stand rejection or when someone hurts me in any way. I can't handle not understanding what I did wrong or how I hurt someone I love. Because for some reason I tend to do that as well. But just like I tend to hurt people I love without realizing it, I have to know that they do the same thing, without realizing it! Most of the time they don't mean to hurt me. Most of the time they don't even know it. Or want it. And that they won't know they hurt me if I don't TELL them. As much as opening my mouth gets me into trouble, it's necessary to talk to the people you love. No one can read your mind. If I don't tell them that what they did really hurt, if I'm not honest about things like that, I am only hurting myself more, and they won't know not to do it again. I bottle things up. It tends to turn into a raging fire of questions inside of me that just eats me from the inside. And I can't stand it. It destroys people. It destroys friendships. (Once again, honesty is everything to me.)

I've realized that I am really having trouble being alone. I feel lonely and isolated. But I'm not. Not really. I have my friends. I have my family. I have my support group. It's my own fault and I know it. I don't talk enough. I don't share enough. But I need to. It just feels like I am burdening other people with irrelevant feelings, happenings and emotions. Things they don't need to know. But that are important to me. So I keep quiet. Hoping to just handle it on my own. Because, really, I don't have words to share how I feel and why I do the things I do. I have to learn to see that there are people who want to be there for me, like I want to be there for them. Through everything. Even the mundane things.

I've realized a lot of things lately. Scary things. Good things. Odd things. Some things I can't put into words and others... well, I tried. It's really important to know one self, huh?! It's really important to explore your own identity...

Thoughtful Question #13

My joy for today... is in the form of my cat. My whole day today, consists of getting up for work, making coffee and getting ready. Traffic. Work. Going to my friends' house and going jogging with her. Getting home. Studying. Cuddling my cat and my cat playing personal heater under the blankets. I love it!

I think this is a good question to ask ourselves every.single.day. It might make us appreciate the small things so much more. Which is a good. In doing so, you might appreciate the big things too...

What does YOUR joy look like today?? (I'd love to know!)

My 3 Wishes for 18 May 2010

I have random wishes. I have important wishes. I have idolized wishes. I have impossible wishes. I have wishes for the future. I have dreamy wishes. I have ugly wishes. I have awesome wishes. I have wishes for myself. I have wishes for you. I have wishes for the world. I have wishes for the people I love. I have mundane wishes. But all my wishes mean something on a specific day. Let me share today's with you...

• I wish for more study time
• I wish I had a GHD (My hair is a mess lately! Hehe!)
• I wish I could go on holiday
  

I give Myself permission...

Him...

It's him I see, staring so silently at me
In my dreams, through the clouds, he smiles
It's him I want, it's him I need
Those eyes, they look right through me

He sees into my soul, he grips my heart...
But he's no more than a dream, a memory
A fantasy that will never again materialize, not for me

I feel his arms around me, his gentle fingers caressing me
I feel his sugar sweet kisses in my neck,
His breath in my ear, his sexy voice...

It's him I want, in the late of the night
It's him I need in the early morning hours
It's him I want next to me, holding me

To wake up every morning in his arms, know that everything
is perfect, everything is right. He's mine...

But in reality I'm lost. He is lost.

What if he's in another girl's arms right now?
Does he ever think of me? Or am I just a face in the crowd?

So many questions, so little time.
Why can't I just forget about him? Please...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

Stumble: Free People

Free People Clothing Boutique

(Clink on the pictures above to go to links, and the FP Clothing Name to go to the main site)
I just stumbled upon this beautiful online boutique. SO reminiscent of the clothes that I would like to wear. I rather wish I had the money for it, though. It's SO pretty. I have ended up being a jeans and T-shirts type of girl, with my pretty tops thrown in-between and of course my classy, elegant and timeless clothes that I also love.

What do you think?? Would Free People Clothing suit me? Not that you'd know, you don't really know what I look like... well most of you don't. (According to me, I need to lose some weight to look really hot in clothes like FP clothing's, but hey! I still love it!)

What's your style??

Waka Waka Break-in and take what you want...

I really hope this video shows, as I embedded it. HERE is the link to YouTube as well if you're interested. A friend of my mom has cameras all over his house and the cameras took this footage of a break-in at their home during this week. In broad daylight!!! They just don't give a crap here in SA. Oh, and the police? Don't give a sh!t!! Even with footage of the guys faces and everything. All that was stolen was their DVD player, fortunately, because the alarm went off and the guys got a fright.

Welcome to South Africa!! Waka Waka 2010!

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Memories: Poor Unfortunate Souls

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This song from The Little Mermaid makes me think of my mother every time. When I was a kid my mom would always sing along with this song whenever I watched the movie or listened to the tape. She would dramatically dance and shake her bum around just like Ursula. She knew all the words to the song (so do I, of course) and she was always sure to make me laugh. I miss those days...

TGIF

Memories: Colors of the Wind

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You think I'm just an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places; I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see, if the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don't know?
You don't know...

You think you own whatever land you land on
The earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name.

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sun-sweet berries of the earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle in a hoop that never ends

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or let the eagle tell you were he's been
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountain
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

How high will a sycamore grow?
If you cut it down then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountain
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the earth and still
All you'll own is earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

I don't understand...

My Dearest Friend,

I miss you. When I told you this, you got mad at me. I think you've changed a great deal. When I shared that with you, you stopped talking to me. I don't how to tell you that I love you and care for you and that I really, really want you in my life. I don't know how to explain to you that I honestly do not understand what you are 'going through' at the moment. I don't know what it is to be so infatuated with someone, that the whole world evaporates around you and you are left alone - Together with only that person. I don't understand how that is completely okay with you. I really don't understand. Probably because I can't relate.

I asked you to help me understand. To talk to me. Your answer? 'It's difficult...'

I don't understand. I don't understand a lot of things lately.
I don't understand why you would just forget your friends... I thought we would always be there for one another.
I don't understand why you don't want to see your friends anymore... because we really want to spend time with you.
I don't understand why you think you need money to see us... coffee at home is for free.
I don't understand why you need to spend every possible moment with your boyfriend... but you don't have one to spare for your friends.
I don't understand why I would move mountains for you, to see you, to help you, to make life easier for you... but suddenly, you wouldn't do the same for me. (Or that's how it seems).
I don't understand why you need a man to 'make you'... You've never needed it before. (I would never let that happen to me).
I don't understand why you don't talk to me anymore... you have no idea how many times I really need you to.
I don't understand why you're 'gone' out of my life... Was it SO bad to open my mouth and tell you how I feel?

There are a lot of things I don't understand. I really need answers. I really need to know what I did wrong. It bothers me to think that you got mad at me because I told how I really felt. And how much I missed having you in my life. I thought we could be honest. I thought that's what our friendship is based on. I thought you would always be there, no matter what. Like I would be for you. But alright... I get it. What I understand behind this is that maybe I should realize that life is teaching me a lesson.

What's the lesson?
Don't expect from other people what you expect from yourself.
Don't expect other people to do what you do.
Don't expect other people to be anything like you.
Don't trust so easily.
Sometimes it's just better to keep quiet. As much as I DON'T want to. It's just better that way.

Ramblings

"He was a major part of your life; of course you'll miss him; it's perfectly normal. It's like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it, you're relieved. But how many times do you run your tongue over the spot where it once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it was hurting you, doesn't mean you don't notice it. It leaves a gap, and sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It's going t take a while, but it always takes some time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it's still going to hurt."

Memories: Listen With Your Heart

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[Voice of the Wind]
Ay ay ay ya
Ay ay ya
[Grandmother Willow]
Que que na-to-ra
You will understand

Listen with your heart
You will understand

Let it break upon you
Like a wave upon the sand

Listen with your heart
You will understand

[Voice of the Wind]
You will understand ...

Memories: Just Around The River Bend

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What I love most about rivers is:
You can't step in the same river twice
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people, I guess, can't live like that
We all must pay a price
To be safe, we lose our chance of ever knowing
What's around the river bend
Waiting just around the river bend

I look once more
Just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send
Just around the river bend
For me
Coming for me

I feel it there beyond those trees
Or right behind these waterfalls
Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming
For a handsome sturdy husband
Who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dreams that something might be coming?
Just around the river bend
Just around the river bend

I look once more
Just around the river bend
Beyond the shore
Somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for...
Why do all my dreams extend
Just around the river bend?
Just around the river bend...

Should I choose the smoothest course
Steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver
Just around the river bend?

Thoughtful Question #12

I hate this question...
They make it sound so easy to change things and change situations. To make decisions. Big decisions. Small decisions. People are different. People handle different things in different ways. Some people don't agree. Others do. You can't just 'Do it now!'. Not all of it...

I want to pack up and leave. I really, really want to. I want to quit my job (I know I have to work 1 month notice period), pack my things and go to Natal. Find myself a place to live (my friend also has some space for me) and find myself a new job and a new life over there. Doesn't sound too hard, huh? Yeah right. . .

I have debt. I know. Terrible. But honestly, who doesn't? Even just a little bit? You?! Oh. Okay. My bad. =D And I can't just magically get rid of my debt or put it on hold. I have a car. Thank goodness I don't have to pay for the car itself, but FFS - the amount of repairs my car requires is enough to make anyone wanna hang themselves sometimes. I have car insurance. I have laptop insurance. I have my cellphone account. I have my Internet access account.  I have... so many things that I have to pay.  I'm sure if I make work of it I can stop a couple of these things (pls not my Internet access?!) but the point is... if I pack up and leave my job and move some place else - I still need to be able to pay those things.  I need to have a job when I get to my destination.  I would also, really, like a place to stay.  Of my own.  Obviously.  But hell, I can't afford it now, how will I do it there?

Then... I think about the emotional side of packing my things and leaving.  I think about the people I'm leaving behind.  My friends.  Who need me.  Who I need.  My family.  Who I can't live without.  Who support me and love me and care for me.  My grandmother, for example.  I've already lost my grandfather, what if I lose my grandmother, too?!  What if it happens when I'm so far away.  What if I don't get to spend enough time with her?  What if something happens to my mom?  My aunt?  My uncle?  My friends?  Anyone really!!  No one is going to pack up and move after me.  They have their lives here.  And they are happy with their lives...  I really have such a support system here.  I have so much to be grateful for.  Why would I want to leave?

I feel like a need a change.  Not just any change, like a haircut or someone new in my life... A BIG CHANGE.  I don't quite know how to achieve that.  I don't quite know what to do or how to make it happen.  I know I analyse too much sometimes, but I don't think that's such a bad thing.  I think ahead.  I plan.  And however much I crave to be spontaneous...  I can't get myself that far.  In certain things.

But the question and realization behind the question of 'If not now, then when?'... really makes me think.  Of so many things.  We (most of us) are so afraid of change.  We are so careful and we plan things out.  Sometimes it seems impossible to us and we just kind of give it up.  We push it aside and forget about it.  But honestly... shouldn't we just MAKE THINGS HAPPEN?!  No one else is going to make it happen for us!

I wish it was that easy... I really have to work on that.  Nothing is impossible.  If you want something enough you will make it happen, if you don't, you never wanted it that badly.

What are YOU holding back on??

How Come?

How come we don't even talk any more?
How come we don't even live anymore?
How come you're there and I'm here?
How come we don't even meet anymore?

How come I think about you at times like these?
How come I miss spending time with you,
Even though you hurt me so bad?
How come I see the moon each night and think of you?

How come when I close my eyes you are always there?
How come when I go to bed I feel so alone?
How come when I look up at the stars on a
Clear night, you cross my mind?

How come those nights on the roof of your grandparents'
house will never leave me?
How come we're so different now?
How come we're apart?

How come...

(Written for Ockie)
Author: Maryke Pretorius
17/06/2005