Mar 29, 2011

Starting Over

I mentioned previously that Gerhard has come back into my life.  On his own.  Again.  He wants to start over.  He wants to wipe the slate clean.  He came over on the 18th of March to talk to me.  We spent the night talking about the past.  I could ask him all the questions I wanted and he was honest with me.  He asked me some questions too, and I gave him all the answers.

He spent the rest of the (long) weekend at my house.  He went out with me.  He ran errands with me.  He slept next to me.  He spoiled me.  I loved it, but it was scary.  It was really, really scary.  I was kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop... I think I still am.  Does that sound horrible?  I hope not.

There are some answers he gave me that I didn't like.  At all.  There are some things he said that confused me and/or upset me, which only led to more questions.  He answered them, though.  He didn't get mad.  He got only slightly worked up.  We didn't fight and yell at each other, at all.  How refreshing.  He said it's my decision to make, whether we try and build a relationship or not.  He also said that he's devoted to me and only me and that he will be completely honest with me.  He explained to me how he had sorted himself out and the things he learned about himself and about me.  He shared with me what had happened between himself and his ex.  He told me about one of his ex-girlfriends' being 'just a friend' of his, to this day, and that he will prove it me in any means possible.  He wants to see if we can work things out and build a relationship, a future, together.

It scares the living daylights out of me.

Why?  Because I had accepted the fact that he's gone.  I had moved on and I had accepted that he had too, and that he wasn't coming back.  I let go of him, as hard as it was.  It was the only way.  I didn't contact him, I tried to keep him off my mind, and in some way, I succeeded.  Then... he came back.  I keep thinking of that saying, you know the one?  If you let someone/something go and they come back to you, it's meant to be yours, but if they never do, it was never yours to begin with.  Or something of the sort.  Do you think it's true?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  I like to think it is.

For the rest of the weekend I tried processing what we talked about.  For the rest of the week I tried making sense of the situation I'm in.  I'm still wondering... and I told him that.  I'm scared to trust again.  I'm scared to let him in.  It's not that I can't, I know I can.  I can forgive.  I can start over.  I do love him.  I never stopped.  I'm just... really, really scared.  I don't want the same thing to happen over and over again.  I won't even be able to blame it on anyone, but myself.  If I let myself trust him.  If I let myself believe in him.  In us.  And if it back fires on me like it has before?  What then?  What if...?

Oh, how I despise those words!!

I want to let go.  I want to give in.  I want this time to be real.  I can't deny, if anyone asked (I hope no one does), that in my heart of hearts, that place where I don't let anyone in, hardly even myself, I believed that he would return to me.  I believed it, just like I believe in love.  Maybe that was one of the reasons that I was okay.  I knew that he had to make the decision himself.  And I let him.  I let him take all the time he needs.  But now that he has... I guess I didn't quite expect it to be within a months' time.  Is that even normal?  Is that even ... possible?  I'm not complaining, I guess it's a good thing, it just seems so fast.  For such a big decision.

It's times like this I want to just believe in love and just go with it.  I don't want to be damaged and scared.  I don't want to be careful.  I just want to make it work.  Like it's supposed to.

Can I do that?


Sally-Sal said...

"Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are 'It might have been"

Just by my own experience, I'd rather have regret, than wonder 'what if?"

Maryx said...

You're right Sal.. me too. =)