I want to.
You have no idea how badly I want to. I want to see you. I want to know how you are doing. I want to be with you. I want to hug you. I want to touch you. I want to see you smile and hear your silly laughter. I want to watch movies with you. I want to drive around in your bakkie with you. I want get take-out with you. I want to listen to your stories and I want to tell you mine. I want to make jokes with you. I want to sleep next to you. I want to breath you in. I want to look at you. I want to swim with you. I want to do nothing with you.
More than that... I want to know that she's not in your life anymore. I want to know that you haven't picked up more girls along the way. I want to know that you want me to come and visit for the right reasons. I want to know that you've realized what you lost and that you want me in your life. Only me. I want to know that you want to make it right between us. I want to know that you love me. I want to know that you want me. I want to know that I am good enough... no, more than enough, for you. I want you to know what you want. I want you to be sure.
But more than anything... I want to be okay.
I am not okay with you disrupting my life, my head and my emotions because you think you can. I don't know if you get some sort of rotten pleasure out of what you're doing, or if you think you can because you're playing on my love for you and you know that I'm fragile like that. I don't know. I don't want to know. I just think that, most probably, you're lonely and none of your 'friends' wants to come and visit you, so now you're falling back on me. It hurts, you know? It still hurts and I hate that.
I hate that I need to have my friends physically restrain me from getting in my car and driving to you. I hate that I have to fight with myself every second of the day because I really, really want to reply on your message. I hate that I already have plans for Sunday, to go horse riding, even though I am looking forward to it. I hate that you think sending me a message will make things right again. I hate that you won't do any more than that. I hate that I don't know what you want. And sometimes... I hate that I can't find it in me to be just your friend.