Mar 8, 2011

I hate. I don't hate.

The way Gerhard treated me was... wrong.  The way he saw a relationship and being faithful was... wrong.  There is no other way to put it.  We don't believe in the same things.  We don't see things even remotely the same way.  I don't think I will ever understand what made him the person he is today.  I don't think I should waste my energy and time to even try.

He thinks I hate him.  But I don't.  I hate what he did.  I hate what he's created in me.  I hate that I'm scared to talk to people about important, serious stuff, in my life for fear that they will yell at me and make me feel like sh!t, like he did.  I hate that I'm scared of rejection.  I hate that I'm scared I'm good enough for someone - when I really shouldn't be feeling that way at all.  All because he created that in me.  Well, mostly him.  I hate that I'm scared someone else will do to me what he did to me, make me feel the way he made me feel.  I know I can't expect that from everyone, it's very, very unfair.  And wrong.  But I'm still scared.

I don't hate easily.  I don't hate.  Period.  But yes, I hate what he's turned me into.  I wonder what I created in him?  I know that the hurt goes both ways.  But I also know that I wanted to make it go away and he didn't.  Oh, I don't even want to go into that argument now... I'll just pop a vein or something.  All because I don't understand.

I wonder, sometimes, if we were raised so differently, that we are so different in our beliefs and opinions?  Or if something changed in him, and in effect me, over time?  I don't regret any of it, though.  I've learned so much.  But I've learned to be scared and careful too... which aren't always very good traits...


4 comments:

Sally-Sal said...

Some people take the hard lessons they've learned and come out of it better than they were before. As if pain is something that refines you; makes you better, stronger.

Others, take those hard lessons and harden their hearts even further.

Don't ever think for an instant that the people who harden their hearts are the brave ones. They're the broken ones.

michael said...

I completely agree with Sal.
And, don't feel bad for being afraid. You're not alone when it comes to being afraid...

Sally-Sal said...

Michael is right. Being afraid, well, everyone does that.

It's brave of you to admit it :)

Maryx said...

=D