Dec 30, 2010

Graphic Ramblings

I want out

Everyone around me has been going on holiday lately.  I hate it.  I want a holiday too.  I need a holiday.  I feel like I, selfishly, want to pack my things and go away - alone.  Is that weird?  I guess it is, a little.  But I don't care.  I want to get away from everything, do things on my own.  If only I could afford it... Urgh!  I've been working almost non-stop since my last holiday in July.  I want out now.  For longer than I week this time.

But is is worth it?


I hate missing you so much.
You broke my heart.
You destroyed me.
So, why do I still want you so bad?
Please.  Make it stop.

You were brought to the forefront of my mind again the other night.  I felt it all again.  And still, I don't get it.  Why me?  What did I do so wrong to deserve what you did to me?  Am I such a bad person?  Why was I never enough for you?  Why did you always want more?

I know I shouldn't think like this, but it's so hard not to.

Thought Question #32

According to me?  Nothing.  If I have to be quite honest I'd say that war has a lot to do with a male ego.  Look throughout the centuries, men have started wars over the most trivial of things.  Okay I'm sure it wasn't trivial at the time and I'm sure they thought they had very good reasons.  But hey, emotions and ego's were running high at the time.  We are all guilty of that.  Wars aren't only shooting, killing and fighting.  There are wars waged in each of our lives almost everyday, or at least some times in life.  These wars include fighting with our loved ones, friends and family.  These wars can tear people apart.  These wars, just like their greater counterparts, usually revolve around love, hate, religion, differences in opinion and such.

Everything can be sorted out.  One way or another.  Even if you agree to disagree.  Apologize.  Talk.  Share your feelings.  Speak the truth.  Even if it might hurt.  Don't lie.


It's almost the end of the year.  I have no idea what I want to do for NY.  Last year this time, you were living with me during your holiday.  Last year this time, I woke up to find you next to me and came home to find you waiting for me.  What a wonderful feeling that was!  I wonder what you will be doing.  What you are doing.  You're probably with her.  I hate that.  But you know what?  She's a very lucky girl, and she doesn't even know it.  I hope she appreciates you.  I hope she treats you right.

I'm crying again...

Random Pix

Dec 29, 2010


Merry Christmas.

I got an amazing 'gift' this year.  I had a dream.  A fantastically vivid dream.  In it, I had just given birth to a baby boy, and it's yours.  He was beautiful, and so small.  You were there too, the whole way.  Holding me, supporting me.  You held your son first, so gently.  You kept saying Thank You, it was like seeing the miracle in your eyes.  We were thinking of a name too, we couldn't decide.  And making jokes about what your son inherited from you, and what from me.  It was magical.  I have a crystal clear image of changing his diaper, with you being right there with me.  I can still feel my arms around you, and then you holding us from behind.  You were there when I was trying to breastfeed, amazed.  You were there when he cried.  When I cried.

I'm sure you'll be an amazing father one day, Gerhard.

Blessed be.

Thought Question #31

Definitely more work I actually enjoy!

Another one of the reasons why I'm so confused regarding my studies at the moment.  I want to study what I enjoy.  I want to work in the field that I enjoy.  that fascinates me and excites me.  Think about it, then I wouldn't have to work another day in my life!  (It won't be 'work' to me).  I look forward to that day.  And I will reach it.  I just have my doubts as to reaching it through Strategic Supply Management.


Things we don't say...

We had Christmas at my aunts' house this year.  I love my family.  We were all there except my uncle and his family, they're away on holiday.  There was food.  Great people.  Swimming.  Tanning.  Telling stories.  Laughing.  And there there was the undercurrent of things we don't say.  Like the things we all know are missing.  The people that are missing.  The things we didn't say, but wanted to.  I don't completely hate Christmas, just the propaganda surrounding it.  Why do we do it?  Christmas is about family and togetherness, right?  (Oh and don't forget the religiousness behind it)

Being a Grinch

I think, no - it seems, that I have turned into somewhat of a Grinch.  I don't know why.  Or maybe... Well, if I have to force myself to sort of analyze it and think of when it started... I'd have to say with my Grandfather's death.  Without him, I don't feel Christmas.  Without him, it's not the same.  I hate this time of year, now.  I can't stand the flashing lights and the Christmas trees and decorations everywhere!  That gosh-awful music drives me insane, and the people?!  Oh wow, I can't explain it.  Oh, and the gifts - Urgh!  Yes, I even hate the gift-giving/receiving.


You sent me a Merry Christmas message on the 24th.  Why would you do that?  Last Christmas, you were with me.  This year, I'm alone.  I don't want your 'pity messages'.  I know you sent that to your whole phone book.  Why am I still in there anyway?  No really... for what?  I'm quite proud of myself though.  My heart didn't skip as many beats as I expected.  I didn't tear up, and I had/have nothing to reply to you.  I guess I could reply with something like 'Merry Christmas and go jump off a cliff please'.  But no, I won't.  I do hope you are blessed this Christmas.  Enjoy it.

Oh yeah - Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone enjoyed their Christmas
and spent some quality time with family and friends.

This could be a good year

 I am feeling positive about the year to come.  I have grand things planned.  So much to do.  So much to achieve.  I'm already getting started.  I am also very confused, regarding my studies especially.  I'm torn between two extremes.  The need to follow my heart and my dreams, and the need (want) to follow my family's plans for me.  They want me to study for a degree in Strategic Supply Management, but all I can think of for my future includes animation, graphic design, special effects and all things ME!  What do I do?

Thought Question #30

There are so many books that I've loved reading in the past.  At the moment I'm busy reading Jodi Picoult, I'm at my third book in a row, and still loving it.  There are so many books that are interesting, so many books that have life messages and astounding messages and things to remember, things to know.

I can't choose.  You?

Dec 21, 2010


I want to look you in the eye and ask you 'why'.  I want you to tell me I'm not worth it and that you don't love me.  I want you to explain to me what I did wrong, sensibly.  Because, honestly?  The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't do anything wrong.  All I did, that made you push me away, was to question the things that you did wrong.  I know we weren't dating or anything... no wait, we just as well could have with the way things were going between us... but I think I had the right to question you.  Especially since I was the one hurting, while you were just playing.


I had a good day today.  I met a guy, on Facebook, by accident.  We got to talking and we didn't stop.  He works in animation!  It's fascinatin.  He seems like a really great guy, and so honest.  But hey, that is what I thought of you too, and look where that got me

I find him intriguing, though.  Even if we remain friends and it doesn't go any further, I can learn so much from him.  Thing is, I don't know if I'm ready for any of this.  I can't get you out of my heart, or my head, most of the time.  I want to hate you for what you've done, but I can't seem to feel that way for you.


I want to believe that you are a good person.  I want to believe that you didn't do, or mean, what you did.  I want to believe in the good man tha tI know you are, that you haven't uncovered yet.  I want to believe that you are a better person.  But are you really?  My heart says yes, because I know you are, deep down.  But everything else, like my common sense, says no.  What you did to me, wasn't right.  It never will be.  What you've turned me into, is terrible.  You've damaged more than my heart.  You've damamged me, and who I am.  Can I ever forgive you for that?  Yes, I can.


I thought I knew you, but I don't.  You suprise me everytime, do you know that?  Did you honestly think I am that stupid?  Did you really think I wouldn't figure it out?  You sent her pictures of yourself.  Naked pictures.  The same ones you sent to me.  You sent it to her at the same time you sent it to me.  At the same time you were telling me that I'm the only one.  At the same time you were telling me that the two of you are honest to god just friends.  Platonic friends.  I don't understand.  Why did you do it?  How could you?!  And not once... but twice?!


I coloured my hair.  Dark red all over, with black, copper and flaming red highlights.  It looks great.  It looks amazing.  I know you'd like it.  You would love it.  You would tell me how nice it looks and it that it makes me stand out even more.  You'd tell me how you'd have to fight off all the guys because of it.  You would be wrong, of course.  At least I think so.  I thought this would help, you know?  They say change is as good as a holiday.  Yeah... in a way.  Just not the way I want.  Do you think I can send you a picture?  Probably not.  You don't want anything to do with me, remember?

PS-I'll try and post a photo soon!


It's been over two weeks since you've said goodbye to me.  It hasn't been easy.  It never is.  It think it's harder every time.  I miss you every day.  I was on the farm this weekend, sitting on the porch, and a butterfly flew by and sat at my feet.  He was so beautiful, with three kinds of yellow and tiny wings.  The first thing that went through my head, for the first second, was to take a picture ans share it with you.  Strange, don't you think?  The smallest things make me think of you.  It's crazy!  Thing is... I used to love it.  But now, I need it to go away.

Dec 16, 2010

Random Night

I started out this night with absolutely nothing to do but go home and relax, until my great friend Grietjie decided that herself and her boyfriend would be visiting.  I thought it was a great idea, until she cancelled on me.  After the cancellation I decided to ask my IT genius of a friend to have a look at my laptop for me, so he did.  On the way to his place, another girl friend of mine phones, asking me to come for dinner.  Of course, why not?  So I went there after he had a look at the laptop.  On the way there, another girl friend phones and asks me to come for movies and pizza, so of course, I headed over there after dinner and watched a movie with them.

What a night!

Dec 15, 2010

I'm that girl

I never thought I'd be one of those girls who needs a guy.  I never thought I'd be the cliche that I hated in other girls.  The girl who is in love, and who loves unconditionally, a guy who is extremely bad for me.  I used to be the strong one who lectured those girls.  Telling them that they are worth so much more than him.  That they deserve more.  That he has no right to treat them the way he does.  That he is not worth it.  They are better off without him.  I used to be the girl you can come to, to talk, but are guaranteed that I will tell you to stop your bullsh!t and open your eyes

I would tell that girl that if he really loved her he would treat her right.  He would treat her with respect.  He would cherish her and make her his one and only.  I would tell that girl that if he isn't interested in investing in you, what you have in him, that he is not worth your time, effort, heart break and tears.  I would tell her that she will meet someone new, someone amazing, someone who knows her worth.  I would tell her that she must let him, stop (even thinking of) contacting him, stop thinking of him, stop wondering about him, stop fretting.  I would tell her to go out and meet new people.  Keep her mind occupied.

I would have gotten so sick of hearing about her sh!t that I would tell her to build a bridge and get over it.  That he's an asshole and that she has to move on now.

How wrong I was... while being so right.

I'm on the other side of the coin now.  I am the girl who needs to hear those words from my friends.  And I have, I really have.  And I hear them... it just doesn't seem to sink it.  I know I have to get over it and move on... but what if I don't want to?  What if I love him with all the broken pieces?  What if I still hope, beyond hope, that we will be happy.  Someday, if not today.  What if I don't want anyone else but him?

I know he's bad for me.  I know what he did was, in so many ways, very wrong.  I know you don't treat someone you really love the way he treated me.  I know you're not supposed to lie to the people you love.  I know you're not supposed to hide important things from the people you love.  I know you're not supposed to cheat or two-time the people you love.  I know you're suppose to sacrifice and compromise for the people you love.  I know all these things... I have a common sense!

Then why?!

Why do I still want him back?!  Why do I still dream of him and love him?!  Why do I still miss him?!  It's not as easy as I thought it would be...

I don't want to be this girl.  I don't think anyone does.

I truly hope all the best for him.  I truly hope that he finds the happiness he deserves, even though it doesn't include me.  I truly hope he changes, in a good way.  I hope he finds that lying and cheating and two-timing won't get him the future he so dreams of.  The future he could have had... with me.  He needs help, and a lot of it.  I really think he doesn't quite understand the boundaries, or the freedom, of love.  I hope he understands someday, because I couldn't make him understand, no matter how hard I tried.

And I tried... I really, truly tried.  I believed in him, I still do.  I see all these amazing things in him.  I support him.  I cherish him.  I compliment him.  I appreciate him.  And so much more... I just want the same back...  I guess I expected too much of him.  How strange... that these things that come naturally to me, are 'too much' for him.  How strange... that he is more than enough for me, but I am quite the opposite for him.  So many things I don't understand, but have to accept.  I hate it.

I said I would fight.  I wanted to fight.  I still do, to be honest.  But how do you fight for someone if they won't even let you into their life?  He said that the second time is always a bad idea.  He said that it never works out the second time around.  I beg to differ, because the second time... you have the chance to do it right.  The second time can be so much more.  It can be so amazing.  It can be everything... if you let it.

I am holding on to the common sense part of me.  I can't listen to my heart anymore, even though it's screaming his name.  Almost deafening.  I have to let go.  I have to believe that I am worth more.  I have to believe that there is someone out there... just for me.

It's hard.  It's easier said than done.  But I have to try.

God I miss him.

How many times?!

How many times do you forgive before you have to give up the fight?  How many times do you go through the hurt before you fall apart, with no way to be saved?  How many times do you believe in hope, before it eats you alive?

I need a change!

I want to color my hair.  I want a radical change!  Some think it's a 'quarter life crisis', some think I'm nuts, some think it's absolutely awesome.  I have spoken to many people and some of them have tried to change my mind, of course.  Like my family, some of whom think that the red I want is somewhat of a vixen-red.  Some friends asked me if I want to join the fire brigade.  Others think it will definitely suit my personality and that change is great!  My mom even wants to help me pay for it.

Thing is, I want to color my whole head of hair the color that you see in these pictures, but I have dark hair.  Chocolate brown to be exact.  Therefore the salon will have to do a bleach bath on my hair and then dye the red over the bleach to get the color I want.  Problem is, the red dye doesn't have the same affect on all types of hair, especially after the bleach bath.  It could last long, or it could wash out rather quickly.  Too quickly.  The hairdresser and owner of the salon I've chosen have convinced me to rather to highlights in this color, half head or full head, for now.  She will have to bleach those pieces of my hair anyway, to dye it that red, then we can see if it lasts.  If it does, I can go right ahead and do my whole head of hair.  Her prices are really not bad at all.  But then, if it doesn't last, I can just dye it back to my chocolate brown to save myself the washed-out-red color.

So... what do you think??

The Amazing Blackberry?!

I don't have a Blackberry and I have no desire to own one.  I am a simpleton who only wants my cellphone to do the necessary basics, like sms, phone and chat here and there.  Maybe log on to Facebook, in whatever simple format it gives me.  But please... will someone explain to me if the following is even possible...?!

If I have a Blackberry and I want to send you and your friend a message that includes pictures, but I want to send it separately, can I do that?  Can I send you four pictures and your friend only one picture, on separate messages, at the same time?  And then... when you reply to me (using the 'reply all' function on your phone) will you be replying to myself as well as your friend?

PLEASE - This is quite important to me...

Dec 14, 2010

They say everything happens for a reason.
I'm sure it does.  There is always a reason behind everything,
even when you don't even realize it...

Dec 8, 2010

I MISS HIM (You might wanna skip this post)

I miss his warm smile.  I miss his silly laughter.  I miss his jokes.  I miss the way he made me laugh till I had tears in my eyes.  I miss his soft skin.  I miss his touch.  I miss his strong hands, his strong arms around me.  I miss looking into his eyes.  I miss talking to him.  I miss hearing him talk.  I miss his stories.  I miss holding him, touching him.  I miss our passion.  I miss the happiness.  I miss the love.  I miss knowing he's there.  I miss waking up next to him.  I miss talking with him on the phone.  I miss his messages.  I miss being able to message him.  I miss talking to him and seeing him on Skype when we couldn't be together.  I miss sharing a cigarette with him.  I miss feeling his body next to mine, in bed.  I miss falling asleep in his arms.  I miss feeling so safe, like nothing in the whole world can hurt me, because he is there.  I even miss the fights.  I miss talking endlessly on gmail chat.  I miss sending him pictures, and receiving pictures back.  I miss telling him everything, no matter how insignificant, and him actually being, or pretending to be, so interested.  I miss the constant butterflies.  I miss admiring him.  I miss trying to convince him how amazing he is.  I miss the way he used to look at me.  I miss they way he used to touch me.  I miss the sparkle in his eyes.  I miss his naughty antics.  I miss his crazy ideas.  I miss how comfortable I was with him.  I miss how beautiful he made me feel.  I miss telling him how much I love him.  I miss telling him how much I miss him.  I miss his frown.  I miss his music.  I miss his silly singing antics.  I miss his 'talking' with songs, when he doesn't have the words.  I miss listening to his plans for the future.  I miss our talks about living together, having kids, sharing a life.  I miss his big dreams.  I miss the laugh lines on his face, and the scars on his body.  I miss his white underwear.  I miss what he is able to do to me, in so many ways.  I miss being able to depend on him.  I miss being taken care of, as much as I take care of him.  I miss cooking for him.  I miss cooking together.  I miss him cooking for me.  I miss his rum and coke. I miss the way he knows me inside and out.  I miss the stupid things he does.  I miss laughing with him.

I miss everything about him.  I don't have enough words.
Will it ever go away?!

This one goes out to all the Best Friends... (Le Love)

It's a different type of love, and maybe we all need a break from the achey, sweet love that comes with romance, the kind that excludes the rest of the world, the kind that's limited only to you and him / her.

So this one goes out to all the best friends in the world. The ones that smile for you when you excitedly fall in love with some new, unknown boy. The ones that sit through a pack of cigarettes with you at two to five in the morning listening to you cry about said boy who cheated on you even though they've got to be up at six for work. The ones that take time off work / school just for a little naughty afternoon shopping and eating on weekday. The ones who drag you to social events just to distract you from a broken heart. The ones who respond to every facebook, every twitter status update, just so you don't feel so alone and ignored. The ones who recognize you have a right to feel as shitty as you do about the boy who hurt you even though they'd spent the last two years telling you he was nothing but trash, the ones who don't tell you you're a fool, the ones who tell you you've a right to hurt. Because they're also the ones who have the strength and the love enough to tell you to snap out of it, that he was never worth it, because they're also the ones who have the courage to be honest enough to tell you you'd be a fool to take the manipulative creep back. The ones who bombard his messenger account with warnings to leave you alone, the ones who tell him behind your back to leave you well and alone, to stop messing with your mind when he's already with someone else. The ones who introduce you to new and wonderfully normal and loving boys.

This one also goes out to all the best other-gender best friends in the world. The ones that pick you up late at night for supper, just to take you out of your head. The ones that show you not all the men in the world are screw-ups and traitors, the ones that help you believe that good people still exist in the world. The ones you can laugh with without wanting to kiss, the ones who can give you that insight into that boy's soul you've been dying to know. The ones who swear they'll beat up / get the triads to beat up the poor sod who had the poor judgment to cheat on someone as wonderful and incredible as you even though it's the first night they've met you. This one goes out to all the incredible best other-gender best friends in the world who stuck around even when you abandoned them because your possessive ex-boyfriend went loco every time you even spoke to them. The ones that love you exactly the way you are, the ones that don't mind you snuggling against them just for a warm body without asking for anything more, the ones that come all the way down to the club from home just to drive you home, the ones that cry with you when you sit in your darkness wondering what you've done to deserve such betrayal from the one boy you'd give anything for. The ones that hurt with you when you're drowning in your darkness, the ones that hurt because they see your pain and can't do anything to touch you, to help you.

Friends never betray each other. We fight, sometimes. We disagree. We laugh at each other. But friends, friends are something else altogether. Friends are God's way of saying: here, I know it's tough trying to find your soulmate, but here are some other people you know for sure you can count on forever. They're like family, but better because they love you without the moral obligation attached.

I see you, my lovable friends. And I love you. This is my apology, for doing what I did to our friendships, and this is my way of reminding the world that there is more love in the world that what exists between some guy and a girl.

I love you, my best friends. More than I ever loved him. I promise.

One of my Favourite Places in the World

I guess it doesn't look like much to you, but I love this place.  Umdloti, in Kwazulu-Natal, South Africa.  I kinda grew up there.  Some of my favourite memories were made there, and I would go back any day.

Do you think a place can 'save' memories?  Do you think ghosts of time linger in some places?  Do you think a place can 'remember' you?  I think so...