Dec 15, 2010

I'm that girl

I never thought I'd be one of those girls who needs a guy.  I never thought I'd be the cliche that I hated in other girls.  The girl who is in love, and who loves unconditionally, a guy who is extremely bad for me.  I used to be the strong one who lectured those girls.  Telling them that they are worth so much more than him.  That they deserve more.  That he has no right to treat them the way he does.  That he is not worth it.  They are better off without him.  I used to be the girl you can come to, to talk, but are guaranteed that I will tell you to stop your bullsh!t and open your eyes

I would tell that girl that if he really loved her he would treat her right.  He would treat her with respect.  He would cherish her and make her his one and only.  I would tell that girl that if he isn't interested in investing in you, what you have in him, that he is not worth your time, effort, heart break and tears.  I would tell her that she will meet someone new, someone amazing, someone who knows her worth.  I would tell her that she must let him, stop (even thinking of) contacting him, stop thinking of him, stop wondering about him, stop fretting.  I would tell her to go out and meet new people.  Keep her mind occupied.

I would have gotten so sick of hearing about her sh!t that I would tell her to build a bridge and get over it.  That he's an asshole and that she has to move on now.

How wrong I was... while being so right.

I'm on the other side of the coin now.  I am the girl who needs to hear those words from my friends.  And I have, I really have.  And I hear them... it just doesn't seem to sink it.  I know I have to get over it and move on... but what if I don't want to?  What if I love him with all the broken pieces?  What if I still hope, beyond hope, that we will be happy.  Someday, if not today.  What if I don't want anyone else but him?

I know he's bad for me.  I know what he did was, in so many ways, very wrong.  I know you don't treat someone you really love the way he treated me.  I know you're not supposed to lie to the people you love.  I know you're not supposed to hide important things from the people you love.  I know you're not supposed to cheat or two-time the people you love.  I know you're suppose to sacrifice and compromise for the people you love.  I know all these things... I have a common sense!

Then why?!

Why do I still want him back?!  Why do I still dream of him and love him?!  Why do I still miss him?!  It's not as easy as I thought it would be...

I don't want to be this girl.  I don't think anyone does.

I truly hope all the best for him.  I truly hope that he finds the happiness he deserves, even though it doesn't include me.  I truly hope he changes, in a good way.  I hope he finds that lying and cheating and two-timing won't get him the future he so dreams of.  The future he could have had... with me.  He needs help, and a lot of it.  I really think he doesn't quite understand the boundaries, or the freedom, of love.  I hope he understands someday, because I couldn't make him understand, no matter how hard I tried.

And I tried... I really, truly tried.  I believed in him, I still do.  I see all these amazing things in him.  I support him.  I cherish him.  I compliment him.  I appreciate him.  And so much more... I just want the same back...  I guess I expected too much of him.  How strange... that these things that come naturally to me, are 'too much' for him.  How strange... that he is more than enough for me, but I am quite the opposite for him.  So many things I don't understand, but have to accept.  I hate it.

I said I would fight.  I wanted to fight.  I still do, to be honest.  But how do you fight for someone if they won't even let you into their life?  He said that the second time is always a bad idea.  He said that it never works out the second time around.  I beg to differ, because the second time... you have the chance to do it right.  The second time can be so much more.  It can be so amazing.  It can be everything... if you let it.

I am holding on to the common sense part of me.  I can't listen to my heart anymore, even though it's screaming his name.  Almost deafening.  I have to let go.  I have to believe that I am worth more.  I have to believe that there is someone out there... just for me.

It's hard.  It's easier said than done.  But I have to try.

God I miss him.


Vinita Santhosh said...

I totally understand what you are saying. I have lived with this feeling for 4 years, n last week, i was able to let go totally of that someone. And, to be frank, i feel good about it. Cos clinging on to the things i wanted to let go, was so very painful, but now, it feels good... I took it up as a challenge at last, cos i couldnt stand the pain anymore... why dont you also try something like that..

hope u feel better soon...

Maryx said...

Thanks sweetie...