Dec 1, 2010


I'm having a lot of trouble holding on to Gerhard.  It's like he won't let me.  When we're apart, we fight.  When we're together... well things are pretty great.  My feelings for him keep growing and my addiction to him doesn't help me one bit.  It's just... I'm so confused.  I know what I want and (most of) what I have to do to get it.  I know how much I love him and how much I want him.  I just didn't know how hard it would be to fight for him.  I didn't know how much I would hurt along the way.  I wasn't prepared for the fights.  I wasn't prepared for the tears.

I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time.  I'm so scared to say something wrong, or he'll get angry at me.  He turns into this selfish, self-absorbed asshole when he's mad at me, which seems to be most of the time lately.  This weekend, on the farm, we had a misunderstanding.  I said something, as a joke (me and my dark sense of humor, ya know?!), and he took it up completely the wrong way.  He got really mad at me and told me that I'm playing on his feelings for me.  He reckons that I expected him to come crawling back to me to apologize for getting angry with me 'for no reason'.  He is positive that I got angry with him.  Thing is... I didn't.  I made a joke and I walked out of the house to have a cigarette outside.  I thought he was going to join me.  I was wrong.  He took my joke personally and got mad at me for it.  So much so that I had to go and apologize profusely to him for that and so much more.

He has changed so much, he tells me.  I know that.  I know that because I don't know the person he is now, I fear I am waiting for the man I fell in love with to return.  I fear, even more, that he won't.  I haven't changed at all, he tells me.  Wait.  What?  I have changed in more ways than you can even imagine.  I have changed in good ways and in bad ways.  I know that.  I can admit that.  Everyone grows.  Everyone changes.  It's how they handle the changes, that matter.  I don't think he handled his changes very well.  But hey, that's just me.  I guess it's just because I handled it differently.

He says he loves me.  He says he wants me in his life.  He wants to know, from me, what the reasons are for this unhappiness between us.  This fighting and arguing.  But does he really want to know my answer to that question?  I doubt that.  My answer would be... You.  Carmen.  Those are the reason for this unhappiness.  Your attitude towards us and what we have.  Your 'friendship', once again, with your ex-girlfriend.  Who you refuse to let go of.  That would be my answer.  And he doesn't like my answer.  So then why does he ask the question?

Carmen wants to go and visit him for almost a month long, in January, because she thinks she's going to be bored at home in her holidays.  She wants to go and stay with him for almost a month.  Wake up with him every morning.  Wait for him when he comes home from work.  Spend time with him.  Eat with him.  Probably cook for him.

I can't handle it.  I'm not strong enough.

But it doesn't matter anymore... Nothing matters anymore...
He's gone.  He made his choice.  He said his goodbye and wished me a fantastic future.

I've never felt so utterly used in my entire life.  Thank you for completely destroying me.  You were always my first choice.  You were always my future.  You were exactly what I wanted.  Now?  I don't know what I want, because no one will ever compare to you.  The good things about you, at least.  But hey, perhaps they will treat me better than you did at your worst.  Perhaps they will love me more.  Perhaps they will respect me and fight for me.  Perhaps they will do everything in their power, for me.  Perhaps they will take care of me, and build me up, like you never could.  Perhaps they won't hurt me.

Who am I kidding?!

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