Dec 1, 2010

It H u r t s

They say I'll get over it.  They say it just wasn't meant to be.  They say these things take time, just give it time.  They say it was never worth it.  They say he's an asshole.  They say he's horrible and useless and he never knew what he had in me.  They say he broke me, he destroyed me, and I never deserved any of it.  They say if he really loved me, he would have tried, he would have fought for me.  He would have done anything to keep me in his life, if he really did love me.

I know they're right.  Their words make sense.  But it doesn't make it any better.  It doesn't take away the pain.  I'm falling apart and it's hurting.  Horribly.  It feels as if I can't breathe normally.  I fall apart in torrents of tears because memories of him, of us, won't stop popping up.  I can't stop thinking about him.  Mostly the little things.  And instead of it making me smile, like it always did, there's only tears now.

I know I'm strong.  I know I'm suppose to be able to handle this.  I know I have the personality and the guts and all that, to get over this.  I just don't think, now, that it will happen very soon.  Maybe I don't want it to happen.  Maybe I'm a bit in denial.  I don't know.

I just know it hurts.  It hurts to know that he realized what he wants, and I wasn't it.  It hurts that I love him so much, with all the little broken pieces of my heart, and he couldn't love me back.  It hurts that he said he did, but he lied.  It was never enough.  It hurts that I'm not good enough, but to me, there is no one better than him.  It hurts that I have to let him go.  It hurts that I will probably never see him again, and if I do... Oh god I don't even want to think of that...  It hurts that I have to start thinking of putting myself out there and meeting new people, when I really, really don't want to.

What did I do to deserve this?

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