Dec 8, 2010

I am my own worst enemy

I am doing a bit better, trying to convince myself that I am okay.  The tears are less, but not the heartache.  I am keeping myself busy most of the time.  The strangest thing has happened, and it took me a while to realize it...  I have become sort of scared to get in bed at night.  I love my sleep.  I usually can't wait to get in bed, as I can fall asleep almost instantly even when I'm awake.  I'm gifted like that.  But now... I don't want to get in bed.  I stay awake until all hours of the night, keeping myself busy with all kinds of stupid things sometimes.  I get tired, but I wait until I'm on pass-out level before I go to bed.  I know why though... because when I get in bed lately, and I don't pass out immediately, I lie awake and think of Gerhard.  I really want to avoid it though, in any way possible.  I listen to music, I fool around on the internet, I visit friends and make sure we talk about their lives and not mine, I read.  I keep myself busy.

I don't want to be this sad person.  I don't want to be the lonely one.  I don't want to be the outcast, the reject, the one that nobody wants.  I want to be ... amazing.  I wanted to be ... wanted.

I'm rambling again, aren't I?

As I've said before... I don't know how to express myself when I'm feeling like this.  So I end up rambling.  But also, as I've said before, I'm not blogging for anyone but myself, am I?  That's the promise I made to myself.  I intend to keep it.

I wonder if Gerhard cares about his promises...  He made so many, that he broke.  He promised me that he wouldn't bump his head twice, in the same way.  And he did.  He chose, another, ex-girlfriend over me.  She must be amazing though... and the luckiest girl alive if you ask me.  She still gets to talk to him.  She still gets to see him.  She still gets to touch him.  I can't help but be jealous of that.  I want that, again.  I know I'm supposed to be angry and I'm supposed to be hating him and screaming and crying and cursing at him, but I'm not.  I still love him.  That should say something right?  I'll probably be the asshole waiting for him, until he comes to find me again.  I don't want to, but I will.  Inadvertently, I will.

Hope... and love... and assumption... (I could go on with this list) ...  is the mother of all fcukups!

I scare myself sometimes.  Well, most of the time.  I surprise myself.  I make myself angry.  I annoy myself.  And sometimes, I make myself feel good about being ME.  Because, really, I'm awesome.  I love being who I am, sh!t and all.  It makes me unique.  I deserve to have someone great in my life.  I deserve to be put first in somebody's life.  I deserve to be appreciated and loved.  I deserve so much... I just really wish that Gerhard was the person to give it to me.  I, still, want to spend my life trying to make him happy.  Trying to make us happy.  But, I respect him too much to go where I'm not wanted.  He doesn't want me.  He doesn't want to hear from me ever again, that's what he said.  I'm not supposed to contact him, although that's all I want to do.  I can't help it.  It's a natural reaction.  But I won't... I'll try, at least.

I just don't get how you can tell someone you love them so much, and then throw them away like trash.  I just don't understand.  And, as you all know by now, I have a problem with not understanding sh!t...


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