Dec 2, 2010

Falling Apart

I want to disappear.  I want to be gone.  I know I'm not an interesting read and I'm all sad and stuff lately... but... I need to write about it.  I makes it a bit better.  If only for a while.  So I'm sorry.

I fell apart again this morning.  I've been trying so hard to think of other things, to keep myself busy.  It doesn't always work.  I woke up this morning and, of course, my first thought was of Gerhard.  I had this second of excitement, thinking of the message I might have from him on my phone.  He used to do that, in the mornings.  Send me a message, telling me Good Morning and to enjoy my day.  Etc.  One of the many countless things I miss so much about him.  But of course... there was no message.  There never will be again, according to him.  I can't stop hoping beyond hopes, every time I hear my phone getting a message, that it will be him.  I can't help hoping, every time it rings, that's him phoning.  I can't believe I'm so stupid?!

I want to get over it.  I really do.  Just for the plain fact that it hurts so much.  I know I can't expect it to go away in one day... but I really wouldn't mind.  I have so many things running through my mind.  I have him running through my mind.  I just want it to stop.

All the energy has left my body.  I had so much trouble getting up this morning.  I broke down in hysterics no less than 3 times before leaving the house to go to work.  And that was in a span of 30 minutes.  Please tell me this will get better.  Please make me believe that I will get over this and move on.  People say all these things to me... but I don't believe it.  Like there being someone better out there for me.  Someone I will love even more and who will love me completely, in return.  Where is he hiding?  This someone?  Because the last time I found my someone, he left.  Who else is there?!

Okay... calm down... I can't cry at work.  Again.

In other news - It's my Mommy's birthday today!!  I got her the ice cream she loves, a nice bottle of red wine, flowers and a microwave.  Yes, I know what you're thinking.. a kitchen appliance?!  She's been wanting to get a new microwave for ages now, the one we have, doesn't turn.  Which is a very important thing for a microwave to do, of course.  She's very happy.  She loves it!  I've been wanting to get her a decent present for ages now, and now I finally did it.

1 comment:

michael said...

Maryke, sometimes love is great, and sometimes it falls apart. Things change. People change. Life happens, and no matter how much you want things to go back to the way they were, they can't.

The end of a relationship is hard (I know from repeated experience), but you can't let it ruin you. You'll grieve and despair, you may get angry, you may try to win the person back, but it always ends the same way. You have to let go. The person - that special someone who you've spent so much time with, who you've come to know so well - may never leave your heart entirely, but the pain of their loss will get better. Slowly. One day, it will be bearable and you'll move on with life. One day. I promise.

But, that may not be for a while. And right now you might feel like you shouldn't exist, like you're an impossible person to please because you expect too much from others, like your entire life isn't worthwhile. But, here are a few facts: you can sketch better than anyone I've ever seen, you always respond to questions honestly even - and especially - when the answer hurts, you can write up a storm and bring others to the verge of tears, and you make the choice to live and laugh and love every single day. I know it probably won't be the first time you've heard this, but you are amazing.

Anyway, it's late.
So, nitey nite.

P.S. Congratulations on the present. I'm sure your mother enjoyed a very happy birthday. Now, if only I could figure out what to get my own mom for hers...

P.P.S. If a shared suffering will make you feel any better, I heard a loud crack come from my fridge while writing this message, and I'm pretty sure something broke (now leaving an absolutely toxic smell in its wake).