I want to disappear. I want to be gone. I know I'm not an interesting read and I'm all sad and stuff lately... but... I need to write about it. I makes it a bit better. If only for a while. So I'm sorry.
I fell apart again this morning. I've been trying so hard to think of other things, to keep myself busy. It doesn't always work. I woke up this morning and, of course, my first thought was of Gerhard. I had this second of excitement, thinking of the message I might have from him on my phone. He used to do that, in the mornings. Send me a message, telling me Good Morning and to enjoy my day. Etc. One of the many countless things I miss so much about him. But of course... there was no message. There never will be again, according to him. I can't stop hoping beyond hopes, every time I hear my phone getting a message, that it will be him. I can't help hoping, every time it rings, that's him phoning. I can't believe I'm so stupid?!
I want to get over it. I really do. Just for the plain fact that it hurts so much. I know I can't expect it to go away in one day... but I really wouldn't mind. I have so many things running through my mind. I have him running through my mind. I just want it to stop.
All the energy has left my body. I had so much trouble getting up this morning. I broke down in hysterics no less than 3 times before leaving the house to go to work. And that was in a span of 30 minutes. Please tell me this will get better. Please make me believe that I will get over this and move on. People say all these things to me... but I don't believe it. Like there being someone better out there for me. Someone I will love even more and who will love me completely, in return. Where is he hiding? This someone? Because the last time I found my someone, he left. Who else is there?!
Okay... calm down... I can't cry at work. Again.
In other news - It's my Mommy's birthday today!! I got her the ice cream she loves, a nice bottle of red wine, flowers and a microwave. Yes, I know what you're thinking.. a kitchen appliance?! She's been wanting to get a new microwave for ages now, the one we have, doesn't turn. Which is a very important thing for a microwave to do, of course. She's very happy. She loves it! I've been wanting to get her a decent present for ages now, and now I finally did it.