Feb 18, 2010

I'm doing this for ME

It hurts. It really hurts. I can't deny it. I can't lie about it. I know it. I feel it. And it hurts. How is it that your heart can physically ache? It's such a strange feeling. I have (thank goodness) forgotten what it feels like. I think you do every time. It's just the ways of natures I guess. To keep you believing in love. Keep you believing in the good stuff.

I know I'll get over this. I know I'll get through this. And I know it can only make me stronger. But this time... I'm allowing myself to FEEL. I really need to feel. I always store stuff (feelings) like these in My Pandora's Box. It's just easier that way. It hurts less. I cry less. But this time... I'm not doing it. I'm dealing with it. I'm feeling it. I'll cry the tears I need to cry. I'll feel the pain I need to feel. It's necessary. I know it is. I'm quite proud of myself for this revelation by the way. Even though I know it won't be easy. But is it ever?

Gerhard told me last night that he's made his decisions and he's closed his doors and that he truly wants me in his future. That he wants to build a future with me and make me happy. He wanted me to think about it. I did. Long and hard... And honestly, I would give him the moon and the stars if I could. I want him in my life and I picture him in my future. But just like all fairy tales, you need certain things to make it work. I needed to clear my mind and my heart of a couple of things before I could decide what I wanted to decide. For my own sake. And my hearts'.

Today, I asked him to answer a few questions that I have. I asked him to be brutally honest and know that I won't get mad at him and I won't judge him. I asked him how he felt about me and if he truly sees me in his future. I asked him if he is willing to work for 'us'. And I asked him about Christell. His (one) ex-girlfriend. I asked him where they stand with each other now. He told me that he's not sure after last night. Heart skipping a beat. What happened last night you may ask? He asked her if she would leave her current boyfriend for him. Now. Heart dropping.

I asked him if he still has feelings for her... Yes he does. But he's getting rid of it. I asked him if he still wants to be friends with her... Yes he does.


I'm speechless. I'm clueless. I'm lost.
I can't handle that. I just can't. We were IN a relationship. And he's still not over her?! I can't say that I'm angry. I don't get angry anymore. I'm just hurt. And confused of course. I can't accept it. I'm sorry I just can't. I am NOT second best. I don't deserve anything but the best. I don't deserve anything less than being someone's #1. I don't need to lower my standards or my expectations for anyone. Including him.

I won't say it was easy. I won't say I don't still have a tiny smidgen of hope left for us. I won't say my feelings for him will fade quickly. At all. And I don't know if I want it to. I just know that I have to do this for ME. I have to stand my ground.

I hope I'm doing the right thing... Only time will tell.

~~~~That's a photo morph of myself and Alyssa Milano by the way... love it!~~~~

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