Feb 11, 2010

Questions...


Yes. It blew up. My relationship blew up in my face.
Not very dramatically I might add. No fighting. No screaming. Just resignation. Acceptance. Just me thinking I am going to get myself out of this hurtful situation that I'm in. Me telling him that he can't do this to me anymore. He can't think it's okay. He has to make a decision and stick to it. He has to decide what he wants and work for it.

I'm an honest person. You really have no idea. I'm brutal at times. Sometimes it gets me into trouble, yes. But most of the times it's such a relief. I don't have to remember what I lied about to who. I can't believe people actually do that... think that they HAVE to do that. I don't have to think up any stories, even though my wild imagination would probably let me. I don't have to worry and wonder. That's the life I'm telling you. Oh don't worry I have my little white lies. Everyone has them.

Yes mom I've already washed the dishes I'll do them when I get off the phone with her
Yes mom I'm sleeping over at Amy's house She'll never find out I'm at HIS house
No mom I have no homework Well I don't have MUCH homework
No Honey I won't drink too much with the girls tonight Or will I?
I'm so glad you like the meal I made you Sweetie You never have to know I went and bought it


Everyone lies. No one is innocent. Some lies are big and some are small. But please, don't underestimate me. And that's exactly what he did. He underestimated me. Badly.

I'm a very easy person
no not THAT easy. Be honest with me. Don't keep something from me. If you do, I tend to find out about it. Usually unintentionally. Or you end up telling me about it. If you tell it to me from the beginning, I'll handle it. No matter how big. We can get through it. of course if you're a psychopath who has eaten 4 people and raped 20 your out the door and no, I cannot get through it. But tell me too late... or have me find out? Make sure you're nowhere near me. I might just blow up.

That's not weird is it? That's not unnatural is it?
Everybody hurts alright. You can try and deny it all you want... but it's still there. The hurt. The pain. The realization that ... you're not good enough. Because that's exactly how it feels.

Why couldn't he have told me that his best girl friend is actually his ex-girlfriend of 3 years? I don't have a problem with the girl but hell man why did he have to leave out that MAJOR detail in their relationship? Why couldn't he tell me that the girl friend he cried about in my arms is also actually his ex-girlfriend? Why couldn't he tell me what those 2 ex-girlfriends (and their families) meant to him during the hard times in his life? Why did he think I would freak out if he's honest with me? Why does he have sexual dreams of MY girl friends? Is that even normal? Does it mean anything? What must I make of it? At least he didn't lie about it. Why did he lie about a small thing such as if girls spoke to him at the bar or not? It's no big deal! Well, it's not supposed to be.

Lies. They heap up. The break people. They destroy relationships. They destroy friendships. Why take the chance?
I don't understand what happened okay? I'm so lost and confused. I know I left him because I couldn't handle it anymore, but I DIDN'T leave him because my feelings for him changed. I DIDN'T leave him because I don't want to be with him. I want to. I really want to. I want to make everything better. It's just not that easy sometimes!
Or am I really that wrong?

He never stopped talking to me. He never stopped wanting to see me. I spent the weekend with him. It was horrible. It was wonderful. Am I contradicting myself? He needs to sort himself out. He knows that. I know that. He needs to be happy with himself. He needs to make himself happy. Before he can make me happy. Before he can be happy with me. He needs to figure who he is and what he wants. He's falling apart. He can't go into a relationship at the moment. But is it fair for him to have his bread buttered on both sides until then?? I don't think so. I don't think I'm unfair either.

I'M SO FULL OF QUESTIONS.

Questions that he can't answer.

5 comments:

Tracie said...

Sounds like you did the right thing. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Indrayani said...

I m proud of u...and loved the Quote ! ...
I am sure u will get better from here...

Maryx said...

Tracie - I hope so... =) Thanks!

Indi - Thanks. We'll see how it goes though. I still love the guy and want him in my life. I just can't handle the issues. I don't deserve it. Maybe he'll open his eyes. Maybe not. The ball is in his court. =)

Daffy said...

Being an adult really blows sometimes, doesn't it?!?

Sorry to hear that its not working out.

Maryx said...

Daffy - Can I be a kid again? Where the biggest drama in your life was whether to pick the blue dress or the pink dress! =)