Remember my dear friend who chose Gerhard above me? After thinking about it long and hard, I invited her over to my house on Saturday. At the very least so that we can talk about our sh!t and clear the air. Maybe we could forgive and forget and be friends again. You never know. I really enjoyed having her there. I enjoyed seeing her. I enjoyed listening to her stories. Clearly, I missed her. At first I was nervous beyond comprehension. After a while, I relaxed. I was in a good mood and we were communicating like adults.
Because that was just it, our communication was up to sh!t. We misunderstood each other on various occasions and everything just snowballed from there. Emotions ran high and things were said and done. We spoke about our past friendship failure and it seemed like we understood each other. That we fixed it. It seemed like we could be friends again and put it all behind us.
But then she told me a couple of things. Mostly regarding Gerhard. I believed her. I mean, she's my friend. I believed her and I trusted her. All over again. I thought it would be okay. Was I wrong? I don't know yet. I'm so confused. She told me things about Gerhard. Scary things. She told me how she knew that he slept with his ex-girlfriend, Christell, after we broke up. Although he wanted me back and all that. Connecting the dots... it makes sense. It's believable. But how would she know that? And if he told her, why would he tell her about it? He would be risking her telling me?
She told me how he sent her messages and how he went to visit her. She told me to be careful. As a friend would. She told me how she said some things in anger to him. Regarding me. She apologized. Good thing, right?
Thing is, I never once said horrible things about her after our friendship ended. I never told her secrets to anyone. I never put a knife in her back. I don't understand. I don't know how to rationalize what she did. But I can accept an apology though. A heartfelt, meaningful one. I can leave it be. I can realize that she feels terrible about it. But do I believe her? And what do I do with this information?
Well, I confronted Gerhard with it. Of course. He, obviously, completely denies sleeping with Christell, even seeing Christell, after we broke up. He claims that my friend asked him to come over and visit her, that she has something to tell him. He claims confusion over the messages that were sent etc.
So tell me... who do I believe? Seeing as Gerhard broke my trust AND my friend broke my trust? Can you blame me for being confused? For not knowing who and what to believe? I don't intend on fighting with any one of them. Although Gerhard takes up serious discussions as fighting anyway, but I don't know how to change that for him. I just want the truth. I hate lies!! I don't understand why people have to cover up their asses to (apparently) make other people feel better. Don't they understand that people feel better knowing the truth??
My gut is telling me to get rid of both people in my life. But then there's a little voice telling met that friends should stick together. And another voice asking me when is the next time I'll find someone as devoted to me as he is.
EARTH... JUST SWALLOW ME WHOLE PLEASE!!