I deserve better. I know that. So why won’t my heart just listen to my common sense? I thought I was doing the right thing allowing Gerhard back into my life, for the umpteenth time. I thought I could help, by taking him to church when he asked me to. I thought he was sure of what he felt for me. I thought he was over her. I was wrong. As always. I just wanted to believe in him so badly, I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to love me. I wanted him to be sure, like I was. I shouldn’t have wanted those things. I shouldn’t have gone with the flow and hoped for the best. I shouldn’t have even started anything at all. And once again, I had to make the same decision I have had to make countless times before. I hope I can stick with it. I wish I can. But I know myself too well.
I can’t believe I, once again, allowed myself to get in too deep. I should have known I couldn’t keep it under control. I never can, with him. My friends are so sick of me, so sick of us, they won’t even talk to me about it anymore. They probably think it’s just my fault, by now. They probably think it’s just me, letting a good thing go, every time. They think I should just make a choice and stick with it. And they’re right. I know that.
What they don’t see is that I’m not the one who should be making a choice, it’s him. What they don’t see is the love, that I see in his eyes, for her. What they don’t see is the way he looks at me, kisses me and touches me, like there’s no care in the world. What they don’t see, is the way he uses me, but won’t commit to me. What they don’t see, is the way he talks to other girls and flirts with other girls, and how I am supposed to be okay with it because, after all, we’re not together or anything. What they don’t see, are the countless people asking me what is going on between us, and I have no idea how to answer them. What they don’t see is how I cry, and fight and try my heart out, and have nothing to show for it.
I’m here. He calls me beautiful and wonderful and all that. Then why? Why am I not good enough?
I deserve so much more, but I want to settle for that? I don’t understand it myself.