Feb 28, 2011

Thought Question #88

I have a big fear that I will never be good enough for anybody.  Because I was never good enough for him.  I have this fear that I will/have hurt the people I love.  I have this fear that I will never find someone that's right for me.  I have this fear that I will never have children.  I have a fear of drunk guys.  I have a fear of failing.  I have a fear of speaking my mind, and someone not understanding.  I have a fear of being controlled, and letting it happen.  I have a fear of falling for someone who doesn't feel the same way.  I have a fear of asking questions trying to understand, and someone fighting with me about it.  I have so many fears, so many small things that keep me from happiness.  As I've said previously... it's just me.  It's my fault and I realize that.  I put up defense mechanisms to 'protect' me.  I keep people away from me.  I don't always say how I feel.  Different people and different situations have instilled these various fears in me.  I can probably name most of them by heart, if you asked me.

I have built prisons for myself, as scary as it is.  We all do it, at some point.  We don't ask for help.  We don't talk.  We don't share.  We don't think we deserve the good things.  We don't think we're good enough.  I don't.  And sometimes, most of the time, it's really, really hard to get past that, and let go.  To be myself.  To be positive.  To open up.  I'm so scared that opening up will hurt me, but at the same time, my soul is screaming at me to let go, to open up, to let it in.  I'm so careful.  But why am I forcing myself to hold back, to be careful, when all I really wanna do is jump right in and let it happen to me?  See where things go?  Just go with it?!

It's a hard pill to swallow...

What prisons have you built?


michael said...

You just described the way I've felt for the past two years... and especially this past week.

Maryx said...