G21

I know you read this.  I hope you read this.

I am not giving up.  I am letting go.  I think you've noticed it.  I think you know.  I turned around and walked away from you, and you know what... You didn't come after me.  It's like you're just sitting there waiting for me to come back to you.  It's as if you are depending on my love for you to bring me back to you.  I'm sorry, but I need it to be the other way around this time.  I am not coming back.  You lost me.  You let me go.  And unless you come after me and fight for me, this is it.  I still miss you.  Every day.  I still think of you, more than you realize.  But I am strong, I am fighting this amazingly strong urge to contact you, all the time.  I'm fighting the way I feel for you, because I've come to realize that you really don't feel the same way about me, and probably never will.  

You don't want me, and I have to make peace with that.  In any way possible.  I have to be strong for myself this time.  I have to figure it out, make peace, forgive and forget, and move on.  I have to do it on my own.  There is no other way.  It's not like you can help me.  I don't want a big bomb going off about it, I don't want a fight, I don't want to cry and scream, or even say goodbye.

This isn't goodbye.  I hate goodbye.

I just can't anymore.  The things you put on Facebook to taunt me, are tearing me apart, even if I don't always want to admit it.  I don't know if you're saying "I MISS YOU!!!" to me, or to her.  I don't know what you mean when you say you'd rather stay silent than say something that has nothing to do with you.  I don't know why you didn't ask me to come with you for your family weekend because you want me there and nobody else, that you really, really want me there.  I don't know if you even meant me when you posted it on Facebook.  And that's just it, every time you say something, aimed at someone, I always think - It's not for me, it's for her.

I mean come on, you posted love songs etc on your Facebook wall and when I asked you about it, who it was aimed at, you replied with "Someone I haven't met yet... The One".  How do you think that made me feel?  Or what about the status that read "That is the reason why I'll wait for you"...?  I asked you who you're waiting for and you said the same exact thing.  You dodged my question about what the reason is, and you even posted it while you were spending a weekend with me.

I don't want to react on any of your posts because I have accepted that it doesn't include me.  None of them do.  I deserve better than that.  I refuse to be the one sitting around asking questions.  Wondering.  Waiting.  Hoping for something impossible to happen.  I can't change you, or the way you feel about me, but I can change myself and can get myself out of this bad place in my life.  I can do it, without you, whether I want to or not.

I don't know what you want with me.  I don't know what you want me to do, what you want me to say.  There is nothing more to say.  I'm tired of loving you.  I'm tired of you not loving me.  It's too hard.  It hurts too much.  I want to fix it.  I want to make it better, take it away, for myself.

Please let me, if you won't...