I need this calm... (And a Ramble)

Pic: One in a Million Blog


I feel so damn overwhelmed lately!
So I do apologize for not being on my blog for a while... There is so much happening in my life. So many adventures really. And so much shit at the same time. I don't really know where to start. What do I say? Where do I hit ground eventually? Okay maybe I don't wanna hit ground. Maybe I like this roller coaster I'm on. It's fun. It's amusing. It's entertaining. I keep myself busy ALL the time. And for some odd reason, I can't sit still lately. Or rather, I don't get the chance. And when I do, I end up phoning someone to come over or find some place to go, somewhere to go or something to do. Is that normal? Am I running away from something? Am I avoiding myself? I don't know anymore...

For example tonight... here I thought I was just going to avoid everyone and get in bed early with my cat. But no, suddenly I have a full night. Well, in my terms at least. Won't be such a late night I guess. I'm going home and a friend is coming over for a glass of wine and to cut my hair for me. I'm thinking of cutting it into a new style but I'm growing my hair. And it has actually reached a long length. Maybe just thin in out and shape it a bit more. As long as the fringe grows out. I hate it. Now. When she's done with me I have to go to Warrior Sports. Where I'm starting my Muaythai classes again. I'm just going to go and pay my fees so long.

Then... after that...
I'm going to Leigh.
I can't believe it.
Why The Fcuk am I so nice?!
Why am I going to visit?

I'm hopeless. I know. It's just... I miss her. I miss them. She's my 'Christina' (REF to Grey's Anatomy). She's my Person. Okay Okay. She was. Now she knows nothing about me. About the last 3 weeks of my life. The part that Random Pixie knows everything about. Now she's my person. Is that normal? Is that okay? I'm hopeless.

Tomorrow I'm starting with Muaythai. I can't wait!! I'm SO excited. Plans are bound to form around my classes. I just know it. If not, awesome! I think my bed has forgotten the shape of my body. And my cat is slightly pissed off at me. Normal though. I don't see him for a day or two and I have to lick HIS arse for some TLC. What's up with that??

I had another awesome weekend. They are following up on each other. I like that. Friday night we partied at a friend's boarding house with all the single people. And I fell. Yes you read that right. Without being drunk, I fell. I bought a piece of land with my body. (That sounds perverted) Great.

I tripped over a server box by the bar (WTF it was doing there in the first place I don't know) as I heading for the 'dance floor' to join the crowd. Not a big crowd I might add. All close friends or next to close friends I might add. . . So I fell down face first... or rather chin first. Hit my chin pretty hard. It's still swollen. Lost some skin on my arm. Ended up with 2 blue marks on my legs and almost dislocated my damn shoulder. Nice. Elegant. Whoohoo! That's just me.

Saturday I went to the shops with a guy... and he spoiled me... And I haven't even posted about him yet... OOPS. Oh well more about that later. So we went to the shops. Bought some birthday presents and headed for the farm for a party. If you can call it that. We had a nice time. Relaxing time. And headed back at around dusk to take a friend of mine home. Sat around there a while and headed to his mom's house. The new guy. If you can call him that.... Mmmmm I'm burning to tell a bit more but he deserves a whole post to himself and I'm just busy rambling at the moment. . . So we headed for his house. . . And . . . (Wouldn't you love to know) . . . =D

Point of my ramble? I'm not quite sure! =D Heehee!

Oh yes!!

I want to get away!

Again!

Is that so bad?!

*Grins*

Insomnia is a kind of Torture

Dear Grandpa...

I'm writing this because I don't really know who to talk to. I miss you so much Oupa. I miss you so much it hurts inside me. Every single day. I feel like I want to put this on paper and leave it by your grave. Maybe you'll read it when no one is watching. Maybe you're already reading it...


It feels like there is such a big part of me missing. Now that you're gone. You were always there for me. You were always there for all of us. Even when you were being taken care of the old age home with Parkinson's. I knew you were always there. I always knew where to find you. I knew I could come and visit any time I wanted to. But I didn't do it enough... Just not enough. And I'm sorry. They say you don't know what you've got until you lose it... Bullshit. I knew exactly what I had in you.

Oupa, you raised me. You taught me everything I know today (Okay maybe not everything but so many things, the things that shaped me). You made me who I am today. You, Mommy, Chanti, Pierre and Ouma. You are my everything. You are everything I ever want in a man. And that kinda scares me... How will I ever find someone that compares to you? I will have to look to the ends of the earth... and they still wouldn't match up. You weren't just my grandfather, you were my father, you were my star in the night, the little voice at the back of my mind, my comfort, my shoulder to cry on and my pillar of strength. You were the one who led me through the hardships of life... Whether you knew it or not. I went through so many things in my life that little or no people know of, and you helped me through those things. Even though you couldn't always talk to me, even though there were times we didn't often see each other, you were always in my thoughts, you were still telling me how to handle certain situations and to do the right thing. You told me, without knowing, where to go and where to turn, where to work harder and where to let go. I feel so lost without you Oupa. And it been almost a year. I still feel like I can't find myself....

I just want to see you one more time Oupa. I just want you to hold me in your strong arms one more time. I just want to share one more butterfly kiss. One more Eskimo kiss. Share one more story. Hold your hand... I want to kiss you all over and hear you laugh and tell me it's "Too much nice!" I want to take you to Omdloti in Durban, and show you how it's changed, and how it's stayed the same. I want to walk with you on the rocks and catch crabs and fish with our bare hands. Just to let them go again. I want to go and swim in the 'Big Sea' with you, holding onto so tight. I want to build a sandcastle with you. I want to eat ice cream with you like naughty kids. And hide it from Ouma 'cause we know you're not allowed to.

...

Just one more time Oupa...

...

You know... Everyone thinks I'm okay. I don't show anyone how I feel. I'm strong like bull! =) I don't show my emotions. Not even to Chanti, Pierre, Mommy or Ouma. I don't know how. I'm scared they fall apart then I won't be there for them. But I so desperately want to fall apart and have them, all of them and my friends, be there for me, instead of me for them. But I can't do that. Like when mommy and I, or Ouma and I, visit you in Huis Herfsblaar where they took care of you... we'd walk out there and they would cry. Then I would stand there and swallow my tears, swallow my words and my heartache, and take them in my arms to be their shoulder to cry on. Their pillar of strength. It was hard Oupa. It still is. I couldn't afford to fall apart.

Even if I wanted to... Needed to... I couldn't.

It killed me to see you there Oupa. To look into your deep, beautiful blue eyes, with so much wisdom, so many stories, so much to say... and not being able to. It made me so angry! It was so frustrating! It hurt so much... All I wanted then was for you to talk to me. To smile at me. And to laugh at me. Which you still did at times. Thank you God. It made me so happy to see you happy. There are no words to justify it.

But now I'm sitting here. Alone. With so many people around me. So many people who love me. Yet so alone. Without my Oupa. ... You were my everything okay?! How could you leave me?! I wasn't ready for you to go!!!!!! I'm not ready to be without you in life. I wasn't ready to see you in hospital. I wasn't ready to see your casket at church.

I wasn't ready...



I'm not ready...



I'll never be ready...

You're Still Here

I have to share this piece I found on Le Love... (I know! I just love that blog!) It makes me think of what I'm going through. Sort of. Not completely. And it's something I don't want. It's just not right. It's just not fair.

i'll admit it,
i was lonely,
i needed you then,
i wanted you to help fill those gaps of solitude,
i had no one and you were there,
in the back of my mind,
i saw no future,
i just saw the present,
i was alone and you were there,
you fell in love,
i felt sorry for you,
so i stayed,
i know heartbreak,
wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy,
and still, i was alone but you were there,
wanted to love you so badly,
like the way i once did for him,
yet, those memories of heartache,
have numbed veins that once pumped love,
i hate that you're in love with me,
i hate that i can't be in love with you

i found someone else,
he's what i want,
i'm not alone but i still want him,
and he wants me,
just not as much as i want him,
he needs me for right now,
and i'll take that,
no future in mind,
i've fallen for him,
he revived my heart,
but instead of feeling light,
it feels heavy,
he doesn't love me,

i can't tell you of my infidelity,
it'll hurt you,
and i can't bare the guilt,
besides, i don't want to be lonely,
and, well...
you're still here

by ACH

I Feel Fine

I wrote the below piece in school. Obviously. As you'll see. I still feel like this a lot of the time. Just telling people I'm fine. Going about my merry way. Helping everyone else out. Not asking for help myself. But I think a lot of people are like this. We're too proud. And scared. But of what? Rejection? I guess so. Depends really. Anyway... enjoy...

I look up into you eyes, smiling a fake smile.

You ask me how I am and how I feel,

I search your eyes for comfort, I search my soul

For the truth. But I simply reply –“I feel fine.”

Do I really?

Every day I go my usual way,

I walk the school halls non-caringly.

I look you in the face each day,

I put on my protective mask, and I smile at you.

Day after day the same routine, yet in the back

Of my mind I’m screaming for freedom,

Screaming to be myself.

I know if I let go, everything will fall apart

And you’ll see me for who I really am.

I can’t let that happen. So I put on my mask

And I hide behind the shadows of my soul.

Never giving it away… myself.

I can never let you see the hurt and the

Fear I hide, what will you think of me?

So there you are… “I feel fine, nothing’s wrong.”

Don’t worry about me, I’m fine!!!

… NOT …

Author: Maryke Pretorius

Stones in you way...

Wait. What?!

I didn't want to share this story. I don't know if it's because .. it hurts so much... because I feel a bit embarrassed... because I'm still a bit in denial? I don't know. All I know is... I'm VERY disappointed. Now more than when this whole issue started out. And I have to put it out there. Even if it's just so I can get it off my mind. Because this blog is starting to be my Pandora's Box. Slowly but surely...

Facebook. Do you like Facebook? Of course you do. So do I. It's a wonderful social network. You find people you haven't seen in AGES. You find out what they're up to. You stay in contact with people. You share your life on the Internet. It's almost like blogging huh? Just not as awesome. And personal.

Well, Facebook can be good and bad. It can be used for good or evil... it can be used to find out things you probably don't want to know. Not really. Or maybe you do. I don't know. Okay I'm babbling. I've mentioned my BFF before. Leigh. We share everything. We work together. I do SO MUCH for them. She's just had a baby a week ago. I love her and her fiance (and now the baby) to bits and I am just one of those friends that would do anything for a friend. Thing is... it's just not appreciated. Not really. Okay I can't explain the history behind it. But she was the one I told everything to. Well mostly everything. She knew exactly what I went through with the ex. Glitch. And her fiance is still best friends with the ex. Slight problem with that. Yeah. We now have mutual friends. Not cool. Although I've known them a lot longer than he has. Does loyalty come into that equation? No.

So, obviously the BFF and her fiance still saw my ex throughout our 'breakup' and all. And obviously he went and introduced his new 'girlfriends' to them. Being friends and all, they kept all of this away from me. Just as they didn't tell him what's going on in my life. I appreciate that. It's something I didn't want to know. Something I wasn't supposed to know. But... talking to the ex myself... I find out things... through the grapevine, as the saying goes... And that's when I couldn't understand why they would tell me they did nothing the weekend or the night before and yet I find out that the ex was with them. Enjoying themselves. Also, I found out that him and (for the sake of the blog. Yes I can be nice.) 'Clarissa' have been seeing each other.

Now this Clarissa... let me tell you where she fits in. 'Coz I met her. Glitch (the ex) has a brother. His brother has a girlfriend. (Weird bitch that one.) This girlfriend has a friend who works with her. This friend is Clarissa. Clarissa dated Glitch's other best friend. Who left her. Because she's a psycho or something. Talk about second hand goods. (I'm sorry if that offends anyone, I was angry.) So I met her at a braai once. And yes, borderline psycho.

Now, Glitch and Clarissa had a thing for each other. And I knew this. Through the grapevine. I'm happy for them and all. But it still hurts ya know?! So one day... I'm sitting on Facebook. With the BFF next to me. On her own computer. And in my news feed I read "Leigh likes this." What is this you ask? Just a photo of the ex and Clarissa. Smugly sitting together. It's Clarissa's profile pic. So... as stupid as I was... (Why do we do this to ourselves?!) I went into Glitch's profile and saw that they are, in fact, in a relationship together. Awesome. Ouch. I dig further (I know... I should have stopped before that) and find that Leigh is, in fact, friends with this Clarissa on Facebook.

Wait. What?!

Yes. That was a bit of a WTF moment for me, right there. I get stomach cramps just thinking about it now. So, why would my supposed BFF be friends with my ex's new girlfriend? I don't know. Why would she lie to me about this? I don't know. It hurt okay? It hurt a lot. After everything I went through and everything I share with her. That was it. I couldn't handle it. So I started switching myself off from her from then on out. I felt I couldn't trust her anymore. I felt betrayed. I would never do what she did. Never.

Later that same day though... I spoke to Glitch. Regarding something else. But I did tell him congratulations on him and Clarissa. I'm nice like that. His reply? 'Thanx but I don't yet know about Clarissa and I ... I like another girl. Oh, and she's got more hair on her body than I do. That's just wrong. And I haven't even seen her whole body.' What?! ROFLMFAO!!! So why are you in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with? That's just weird. To me. But okay, you're life. Do what you want. I left it there.

Turning to Leigh, next to me, I ask her whatsup with Glitch and Clarissa? I hear he doesn't really like her. She tells me, she doesn't know. No idea. So I lashed back a little saying that seeing as they are 'friends' she should know right? Turns out she can be friends with whoever she wants to be. Yes. I know. And yes. You can. But does the words 'loyalty' and 'friendship' mean anything to you? Apparently not. And no, I didn't say any of that. I kept my mouth shut. I'm too nice. I'm too patient. I'm a sucker for punishment.

In the weeks after that, I shut myself off from 'my BFF' more and more. I didn't tell her any of my personal things. Nothing that I did or what happened. As friends naturally do. I still picked her and her fiance up for work and dropped them off. (Even though they don't pay me a cent and I was struggling.) I was still nice. I still spoke to them. Asked out about them. Cared for them. I couldn't help it. Still can't. I love too easily. Life went on. Just 'without' them. If you know what I mean.

This next part needs some history : Glitch and I met a girl on an accident scene once. Let's call her Phil. We became friends. She was new in our part of town so we made her feel welcome and introduced her to our friends. She fit in nicely. Everyone liked her. Although she tended to drink more than us and mess all over the tile floors. But we could handle that. At least it was fun. Phil thought I was her best friend at that stage. We shared a lot. All was well.

Phil started to get close to Leigh. And that was okay. Until her Facebook status read: 'I just saw my first live sonar! Thank you, Leigh, for the experience of a lifetime. It was awesome!'

WHAT?!

I wasn't allowed to go to sonars with Leigh. It was personal for her and her fiance. Understandably. I saw the photo's though. But Phil can go?! Okay. I was hurt. Really hurt.

So... Leigh's due date was 16 October 2009. Cesarean. Early the Friday morning. And I would be there. Waiting for them. The weekend before that, the weekend of the 10th of October, I went to Potchefstroom for a friend's birthday weekend away. The 9th, the Friday, she started getting contractions. She went to the doctor and they sent her home telling her that it's nothing serious. Just her body preparing for the birth. I went to Potch telling her to hold it in whatever happens. Well, obviously that's impossible. But I was told they baby wasn't coming that weekend.

Saturday morning, the 10th, she sends me a Please Call Me at around 11am. I stress. I phone. The baby was born naturally after 8 hours of labor. At 3am. WOW!! A healthy baby girl. I cried a bit and wished her congratulations and told her that I'd see them on Sunday as soon as I get back. I got back on Sunday and tried phoning them immediately. As tired as I was. I wanted to see my friend. I wanted to see the baby we've all been waiting for. For so long. No one answered. URGH!!! What was I supposed to do? I tried phoning again and again, and eventually phoned the ex. As they are his friends too. But believe me, if I had to find out that he'd already been there to see them and the baby, I would've been beyond pissed off. But what could I do? He just told me that as far as he knows they are at her fiance's step dad's house. Nothing else. Okay then. Thank you. Bye Bye.

Anyway, I only got hold of Leigh on Monday morning. Turns out the baby was in ICU. She got hurt during the pregnancy. Obviously. Leigh was too small to give normal birth. Nice way to find out like 3 day's later huh? But that's not the cherry on the cake... No... not even close...

I phoned a friend of mine, who also knows Leigh very well, and told her about the baby. She didn't even the baby was born yet. So she asks me if I have seen Leigh and the baby yet. Because she saw Phil's Facebook status on Saturday... claiming that she was AT THE BIRTH.

Wait. What?!

I didn't see sh!t on Facebook. Okay I didn't go searching for anything but I was on there. A little bit of investigation later, taught me that Phil and I are, in fact, NOT friends on Facebook anymore. She deleted me. The nerve?! Yet whenever she met a friend of mine, she'd Friend Request them within 24 hours.


I hate Facebook.


I hate social networks.


Understandably?! I think so. What has happened to the world? Why can't people just be honest and straightforward? Why do people hide behind words and actions on the Internet?

Why?! Why?! Why?!

Right now, I am at the stage where I'm just going to write it off. I'm just going to leave it. I am an awesome person and I am an awesome friend. If you cannot see that and see the love I have to give... that's your loss! You do not make me any less of a person. You do not make me who I am. I will lick my (small) wounds. Wait for the scabs. Wait for it to fall off. There will be tiny marks where you used to be. Because each and every one of you meant something to me. At some stage. Each and every one of you (I thought) deserved the love I had to give. You just didn't appreciate it. And that's not my fault. That's not my problem. I tried. I didn't fail. You did.

PS - The ex also deleted me now. Awesome.

PPS - I still haven't been able to see the baby. It's been 9 days. I tried to go and visit them. They stopped me short, asking if we can arrange for the weekend as they should be home by then. They'll let me know. They didn't. I'm so tired of licking arse. Not that I have in this case. I won't. I refuse. If they wanted me there, they would have said so. Right? I tried. And tried. And tried. I give up. I am awesome like that. Because I don't need this Sh!t. I really don't.

PPPS - This was very hard to write. And I've probably been rambling. But so what. I don't care.

Amazing Spaces - Emma

Please go and check out Emma's blog - Stuff

I love her post titled - Amazing Spaces. She writes about a couple of old places in SA. But there are SO MANY more places. So many more stories. If you only knew...

Random Pix

Source: Desktop Nexus

I'm Falling Out Of Love...

I found this on Le Love and just had to share it here. It's beautifully written and so true. I think a lot of people can relate. As can I.

I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs.

I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I'll never get that from you.

I'll never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I'll never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply too cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in.

You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies. I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask that of you because I know you too well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as You, and moving on.

I'm falling out of love.

-~ anonymous ~

Love isn't an act. It's a whole life.

No Ordinary Video...

Have you gone over to visit Ben over at No Ordinary Rollercoaster??
Well, dear Ben had the brilliant idea to tell his readers that they can ask him anything over email and he will make a video for each of us who wants to know something from him. To post on our blogs. Easy right? Yeah that's what I thought. But when you actually get to thinking of one question only... =D And yes, you know how random I am. I asked him:

"What is your fave sex position and demonstrate it for us?"

Why make it easy for him, right?! I gotta make him think and make my readers (and of course myself) laugh. I gotta think of the smiles. So, as promised, I got my video today and I'm posting you the link here... please check it out!

No Ordinary Video - Ben @ No Ordinary Rollercoaster

Are you back yet? Did you see him shaking his ass for the camera??

I'm kidding. He doesn't. Apparently he's shy. But I LOVE the video nonetheless Ben! Thank you very much. And no, I'm not a perv. Well, not always anyway. LOL!!!!

Time Passes. Feelings Fade.

And I'm so glad it does...
I'm doing so well. I feel like I've got such a full life. I have awesome friends. Awesome family and people in my life. They love me. They support me. They fight for me. (And with me sometimes). I have truly amazed myself. I can honestly say I never thought I would get to where I am now. Heartache really clouds your world, you know? It makes you feel shitty. It makes you think you're worth nothing. It makes you hopeless and helpless.

And it's Bullshit!!

You're worth more than that. I'm worth more than that. I'm worth more than the person who brought me down to think that I am worth any less than I truly am. I feel empowered. I feel sexy (and that says a lot). I feel like I can do the impossible. I feel content.

That's the most amazing feeling. Being content.
I am content with myself for the first time in years. Yes. Years. And it's amazing. I am at the point in my life where I am hearing myself say, with all honesty, that I am happy. I am happy with myself. I am happy by myself. I am happy with my choices. Well, at least the ones regarding love, that is. That's good right?

I had the amazing realization this weekend that I'm okay. It's an awesome feeling. I have a friend who just got out of a 3 year relationship and another friend who is on her way out of a 5 month relationship, as well as another friend who is being used by an asshole of a guy for one thing only... but she feels more than that. All of them are coming to me for guidance and support. And I like it like that. I love helping people. I love being needed. Is that sad? I guess so. But it's all for the right reasons. So now everyone wants to know how I did it. How do I answer that? Well here are my tips for getting over someone...

• Keep yourself busy.
• Go out.
• Meet new people.
• If you can't do that... find people you lost contact with. Facebook helps. (Although I think FB is from hell, but I'll tell you that story later. ) Through these people you will probably be able to meet new people in more comfortable settings.
• Do Not listen to soppy music or love songs. Bad idea.
• Stay away from the ex. It's better that way. No. Friends don't work. At least not now. Maybe later. Just give it time.
  
• Pick up an old or new hobby.
• Find out who you are without that person. Chances are you'll find out just how awesome you really are. Or other people will realize it and tell you. Just believe them.Well anyway, doesn't work for everybody. Works for me. Take it or leave it.
• Stay positive. Don't allow yourself to think about it. And when you... follow above steps.

I feel like a new person. And it's strange to hear myself say that ... I don't want a relationship. That's weird. I always want a relationship. I'm a long term relationship girl. As I've said before, I have so much love to give and I need someone to give it to. But now, I'm alright with giving it to friends and family and I like it that way. That's enough for now. I'm on a journey of my own. I'm finding myself and I think I'm at least half way there. If not more.

Anywhoo!! Just thought I'd share that with ya'll... =D

Photo's of Howick Falls I took on our Road Trip

Pretty huh? You had to have been there and heard it and felt it really...
(And yes I know it's a tiny waterfall.)

I've 'Changed'

If you see a 'Maryx' haunting your blogs... It's me!

Mega8815 = Maryx

And my profile pix has changed as well...
I'm strongly heading for a profile pic of myself. =D Beware...

I'm Such an Honest Biatch

Ladytruth thought it good to send me this awesome award... heehee! She thinks I write honest crap ... uuurrrm... Scrap!! Yeah well I can't help it okay?! =D Apparently I have to share with ya'll 10 things about myself that you don't already know... Now you're making me think again. What don't you know? Well a lot of things. Actually. Hah! Then I have to choose 10 honest blogger buggers... But all of you already have this award. Urgh! So what. Do with it what you want. See the worry in my eye. It's honor enough I'm taking time to put you up here... Teehee! Okay so here I go... rambling 10 utterly useless honest scraps about me...

1. I have big feet. For a girl. When I was Std 5 I was already wearing a size 7. Turned out to end in size 8. Urgh. Not cool if you're looking for pretty high heels. They don't make 'em for my size.
2. My mom and I lived with my grandparents until I went to high school. My grandfather was like a father to me.
3. I couldn't ask for a better childhood.
4. I am a very loyal, caring and trustworthy person. I'm the best friend to everyone.
5. I have only broken my left arm.. so far.. falling over the dog when I was 8. Not cool.
6. I've had a major (Okay it was major for me alright?! Don't judge) operation on my bum when I was in matric. So much so that I had to stand throughout my matric exams. Not Funny. Not Funny At All.
7. My first time skinny dipping was on my friends farm. I was 13 years old. I got drunk on my first few tequilas of my life. My mother caught us with a flashlight. She thought it was hilarious and I will never live it down.
8. I'm addicted to cookies and fine cheese. You can probably make me do anything if you do it right. Seriously. I'm so sad. I'm so easy. =D
9. I only learned to ride a bicycle when I was 12 years old. My family doesn't love me. Or they didn't want me to drive off. I was a wild child. (Kidding... my family loves me very much, and they remind me often.)
10. You probably know this... I have a tattoo. And I want another one.

Okay there you go. I have been thinking of honest sh!t for probably a week now. That's how long it took. I'm always honest okay? And couldn't really think of of random honest scraps to share with ya'll. So take it or leave it. Whatever.

Here are my nominees. Take it biatches :

• Chester Pillows ParkLife
• Jenn(ifer)
  
• Ben - NOR
• Shine
• Random Pixie
• Emma Jackson
• Daffy
• Ella Unread
• Kyslp
• Sally-Sal

You already have it? So what. Ignore it. See the worry in my eye. Take care sweeties!

The Art of Letting Go

It's over. He's gone.

Why do we have to part while the love is still there?
Why do we have to suffer?
Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye?
Why do beginnings have an end?
Why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?


There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed, promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More often than not, they who go, feel not the pain of parting; it is they who stay behind that suffer, because they are left with memories of a love that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship, we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes. That's the drama, the bittersweet and the risk of falling in love. After all, nothing is constant but change.

Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when, without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must forget not because we want to but because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion. It seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath you take always reminds you of him. It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billions of people on earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.

I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptance plays a part. Not all love stories end with "...and they live happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. we have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains. Every beginning has its end like every dawn has its dusk. It's something we can't control, something we had to live up.

It's over.
He's gone. But life has to go on.
Goodbye doesn't always mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled.

Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

(Consrael)

I Believe

I believe in miracles and dreams that will come true,
And I believe in happiness and friendship, through and through
I believe that when you your tears are not in vain,
And when you're sad and lonely someone knows that you're in pain.

I believe that when we laugh a sparkle starts to shine,
And before you know these sparks will spread
From more hearts than just mine.
I believe the gifts you have are there for you to share
And when you give them from the heart, the whole world know you care.

I believe that if you give, even just to one,
That gift will grow in magnitude before the day is done.
I believe that comfort comes from giving part of me,
And if I share with others, there's more for all to see.
I believe that love is still the greatest gift of all,
And when it's given from the heart, Love will conquer all.

Author: BJ Morbitzer
Picture: Le Love

Missing

This 'poem' goes back to June 2005. As you might already know I'm a total water baby and child of the sea. I can't stay away. It's like a refuge for me. I guess this was just one of those times when staying away became too much for me and I needed to go back... Enjoy.

A part of me is missing
That no one can see.
They take me as I am
And expect me to be.
No one sees the hurt and
The longing I hide inside,
The pain of losing my one
True friend - the ocean tide.

That piece of me is missing
The friendship we shared,
For the one place to go
Where someone cared.
Someone who sees me for
Who I am, I never
Have to act or put
Up a scam.

That friend is still there,
Waiting for me.
But he's still so far,
Can't you see?
I want to run, but still
I hide, just take me
Away to the ocean tide!

I'm missing...

Author: Maryke Pretorius

Allow Me To Blow My Own Horn and Tell Ya'll How Hillbilly Duhn is Spoiling Me Rotten...

Go over to Hillbilly Duhn's blog and check out how she's blowing my horn... Mmmmmm... Kinky! Kidding Kidding! I'm excited and proud to say I am... wait for it... (You're already looking down aren't you?) ...

FOLLOWER OF THE WEEK

This Hillbilly friend of mine is spoiling me rotten lately. As you know I won a contest over on her blog and she sent me an awesome book. Which I haven't started reading yet because I'm still busy with another book. And The Sugar Queen is like a box of chocolates waiting to be opened ceremoniously ... Sooner rather than later I hope.

The pretty package she sent it in...


Little old me holding the book... and yes I know the shirt looks strange but I felt like wearing my late grandfathers' shirt that night. It's comforting. So shut it.


And just when you think the Hillbilly can't get more awesome... she tells me I'm an awesome commenter! And gives me this pretty little momento to pass on to one of you other sweeties. I don't think she wants it back... haha!

So my dear Jenn(ifer) I am sending this award on to you... Enjoy. And thank you for all your supportive comments and giggles sweetie. Now it's your job to pass it on... seeing as I've gotten rid of it almost as quick as tossing hot coals to a drunken friend. =D

I'm a Bloggy Friend

Hillbilly says I'm her friend. Can you believe it?! Me?! Friends with a Hillbilly?!
*Kidding* ... Thanks Hillbilly Duhn!

And I'm sending this to the following bloggers:

Mr Condescending
Desi van Zyl
Rita
Random Pixie
Simon
Ella Unread

Thanx for everything and all your support sweeties!!!!

I'm Over The Top

So Hillbilly Duhn got all weird and random again and tagged little old me on a meme that Mox tagged her on. Her answers to that meme are ... well... random, as she is. But she makes me laugh every time! And although Mox told her that the rules are to answer with only one word... The Hillbilly just has to be different as always. And because she tagged me and didn't tell me that it's supposed to be only one word I'm just going to ramble out some answers and see what comes up. So thanx sweetie!! And here I go :

1. What is your cell phone? What? Where? It's on my table in front of me and it's a Samsung.

2. Your hair? Drying into natural curls today. Doesn't look so bad anymore.

3. Your Mother? A total angel and such an independent woman. I respect her and love her and can't live without her. I think I should die first. Before her. Is that selfish? *Kidding* (Sort of)

4. Your Father? Dead to me. He put me up for abortion and my (AMAZING) mother said 'No, she's my child. Not yours.' Him and his family wrote me off and we've never heard from him since. So here I am today. I grew up in a wonderful home with the best 'father' in the world... my grandfather. I couldn't have asked for a better life.

5. Your favorite food? OMG don't get me started... do you really want to know?! Prepare yourself... Real Boerekos; Cookies and cheese; Lasagna; Pizza; Braaivleis .... okay I'll stop there. (And my mind just went blank). I'm a very easy person to please.

6. Your dream last night? I'm not sure... I slept soundly with my cat cuddling up under the blankets.

7. Your favorite drink? Probably wine. Makes me lovable. Teehee!!

8. Your dream/goal? I have so many... One of my big goals is to buy back a holiday apartment in Umdloti, Kwazulu-Natal that my grandmother sold a couple of years ago. I'll post photo's soon. Another one for now... move to the coast. Soon.

9. What room are you in? Office

10. Your hobby? I'll go with Hillbilly on this one... Naked time. Other than that - Doing pencil sketches, blogging, being outdoors, learning new things, being random!

11. Your fear? To quote Hillbilly Duhn again : "Ain't tellin you, you'll just make fun of me, laugh like hyenia's on crack and then tell everybody you know." ... Naw! I'd definitely say my biggest fear is losing someone I love. I can handle anything else. If I have to. But that's the worst.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Living on the coast, the proud owners of a holiday apartment and living and working the dream. Doing what I want to do.

13. Where were you last night? Eating dinner at a friend's place then relaxing at home with my laptop and my new Windows 7!!

14. Something you aren't? Patient. According the friend. Nice.

15. Muffins? What about them? Do I like them? Sometimes. Depends.

16. Wish list item? Uuurrrrmmmm... no debt. A place of my own at the coast and a job there would be nice. Oh a tiny wishlist item? I'd say the GHD hair straightener and curler.

17. Where did you grow up? All over South Africa. Sort of. Durban. Pietersburg. Waterkloof. Pretoria North. And now Centurion.

18. Last thing you did? Laughed hysterically about my cat bonking his head on the table last night. Shame. It looked like it hurt.

19. What are you wearing? Jeans, black top, black jersey and slops. (And no, I usually where very bright colors okay? Today's not a good day, tomorrow isn't looking good either.) =D

20. Your TV? Exactly... what about it?

21. Your Pets? Consists of my cat. My one and only. =D

22. Your friends? Are all so awesome!! Love them to bits!

23. Your life? Interesting...

24. Your mood? Excited. Confused. Indifferent. Irritated. Torn apart. Happy. Sad. Curious.

25. Missing someone? Always...

26. Vehicle? Dark blue VW Golf... Hate it.

27. Something you're not wearing? Socks. I'm wearing slops. =D

28. Your favorite store? Don't think I have one ...

29. What's your favorite color? Red. Black. Pink. In that order.

30. When was the last time you laughed? Earlier today. Hysterically.

31. Last time you cried? Can't pinpoint when... not too long ago though.

32. Your best friend? Has disappointed me severely. And given the title over to RandomPixie. The same one who went with me on the road trip. Thank you for everything sweetie.

33. One place that I go over and over again? Work. Unfortunately. Home. Thankfully. The Farm. Lovingly.

34. One person who emails me regularly? Arista. The friend in Richardsbay.

35. Favorite place to eat? At the table. As Hillbilly said. Hehe! ... My grandmothers' house. She makes the BEST food. I don't know what I'd do without her. =(

Thank you Hillbilly. For making me waste my time at work. Doing this instead of working. Haha!! Kidding. I like memes. I think. Sometimes... (There I go... rambling again.) So there you probably learned a couple of new things about me. Maybe. Maybe not. =D

EDIT : I forgot to tag some of my sweeties for this award.

I'm so damned scatterbrained! So here goes ...

Desi van Zyl
The DemiGoddess
Indriyani
Jenn(ifer)
Shine
Ella Unread

I'm looking forward to your answers!