Oct 28, 2009

Dear Grandpa...

I'm writing this because I don't really know who to talk to. I miss you so much Oupa. I miss you so much it hurts inside me. Every single day. I feel like I want to put this on paper and leave it by your grave. Maybe you'll read it when no one is watching. Maybe you're already reading it...


It feels like there is such a big part of me missing. Now that you're gone. You were always there for me. You were always there for all of us. Even when you were being taken care of the old age home with Parkinson's. I knew you were always there. I always knew where to find you. I knew I could come and visit any time I wanted to. But I didn't do it enough... Just not enough. And I'm sorry. They say you don't know what you've got until you lose it... Bullshit. I knew exactly what I had in you.

Oupa, you raised me. You taught me everything I know today (Okay maybe not everything but so many things, the things that shaped me). You made me who I am today. You, Mommy, Chanti, Pierre and Ouma. You are my everything. You are everything I ever want in a man. And that kinda scares me... How will I ever find someone that compares to you? I will have to look to the ends of the earth... and they still wouldn't match up. You weren't just my grandfather, you were my father, you were my star in the night, the little voice at the back of my mind, my comfort, my shoulder to cry on and my pillar of strength. You were the one who led me through the hardships of life... Whether you knew it or not. I went through so many things in my life that little or no people know of, and you helped me through those things. Even though you couldn't always talk to me, even though there were times we didn't often see each other, you were always in my thoughts, you were still telling me how to handle certain situations and to do the right thing. You told me, without knowing, where to go and where to turn, where to work harder and where to let go. I feel so lost without you Oupa. And it been almost a year. I still feel like I can't find myself....

I just want to see you one more time Oupa. I just want you to hold me in your strong arms one more time. I just want to share one more butterfly kiss. One more Eskimo kiss. Share one more story. Hold your hand... I want to kiss you all over and hear you laugh and tell me it's "Too much nice!" I want to take you to Omdloti in Durban, and show you how it's changed, and how it's stayed the same. I want to walk with you on the rocks and catch crabs and fish with our bare hands. Just to let them go again. I want to go and swim in the 'Big Sea' with you, holding onto so tight. I want to build a sandcastle with you. I want to eat ice cream with you like naughty kids. And hide it from Ouma 'cause we know you're not allowed to.

...

Just one more time Oupa...

...

You know... Everyone thinks I'm okay. I don't show anyone how I feel. I'm strong like bull! =) I don't show my emotions. Not even to Chanti, Pierre, Mommy or Ouma. I don't know how. I'm scared they fall apart then I won't be there for them. But I so desperately want to fall apart and have them, all of them and my friends, be there for me, instead of me for them. But I can't do that. Like when mommy and I, or Ouma and I, visit you in Huis Herfsblaar where they took care of you... we'd walk out there and they would cry. Then I would stand there and swallow my tears, swallow my words and my heartache, and take them in my arms to be their shoulder to cry on. Their pillar of strength. It was hard Oupa. It still is. I couldn't afford to fall apart.

Even if I wanted to... Needed to... I couldn't.


It killed me to see you there Oupa. To look into your deep, beautiful blue eyes, with so much wisdom, so many stories, so much to say... and not being able to. It made me so angry! It was so frustrating! It hurt so much... All I wanted then was for you to talk to me. To smile at me. And to laugh at me. Which you still did at times. Thank you God. It made me so happy to see you happy. There are no words to justify it.

But now I'm sitting here. Alone. With so many people around me. So many people who love me. Yet so alone. Without my Oupa. ... You were my everything okay?! How could you leave me?! I wasn't ready for you to go!!!!!! I'm not ready to be without you in life. I wasn't ready to see you in hospital. I wasn't ready to see your casket at church.



I wasn't ready...



I'm not ready...



I'll never be ready...


7 comments:

Daffy said...

I did write a letter to my Grandmama and leave it on her grave...I understand your feelings...just one more day with her - for her to meet my husband and daughter....

Hugs to you

ScarletTd1ar1es said...

maryx. i really cant understand how u feel cuz i really havent had that loss so i am only gonna say.

its ok 2 miss those u love but not ok 2 b unfair 2 those who love u around u. u said u have many people 2 love u ryt, then just u kno, smile at his memory.

Jenn(ifer) said...

It's ok to let go and not always be 'the strong one', nobody will think of you different.

You have an amazing heart!

kys said...

Parkinsons is a terrible disease. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Maryx said...

Daffy - Thanx for sharing. It might not be a bad idea. Thing is.. he doesn't have a grave. He was cremated and put into a remembrance wall. Oh and one of my big wishes was to have him walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. Even if I have to push him in his wheelchair down the aisle... I would have. HUGS

Scarlet - I truly hope you never feel that pain. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Jenn - Thanks. I'm just so ... scared. And a control freak. That's why this blog is a good outlet for me.

Kys - Sounds like you know about Parkinsons? Yes, it's not easy to live with someone who has it. But love overcomes all...

Simon said...

I’m sorry, Maryx, but we all die one day. This will sound cruel, but there’s no turning the clock back. I realise that at your age, and under these circumstances, this is painful for you, but you should be looking ahead in your life.

As you might expect given my age I have a lot more dead relatives: all my grandparents, uncles and aunts, and my father are dead. You learn it is simply part of the natural order.

Maryx said...

I realize it's a part of life Simon... I really do... But no matter how you look at it or how you deal with it (And I have) ... it still doesn't make it easier.

Thanks for stopping by