I didn't want to share this story. I don't know if it's because .. it hurts so much... because I feel a bit embarrassed... because I'm still a bit in denial? I don't know. All I know is... I'm VERY disappointed. Now more than when this whole issue started out. And I have to put it out there. Even if it's just so I can get it off my mind. Because this blog is starting to be my Pandora's Box. Slowly but surely...
Facebook. Do you like Facebook? Of course you do. So do I. It's a wonderful social network. You find people you haven't seen in AGES. You find out what they're up to. You stay in contact with people. You share your life on the Internet. It's almost like blogging huh? Just not as awesome. And personal.
Well, Facebook can be good and bad. It can be used for good or evil... it can be used to find out things you probably don't want to know. Not really. Or maybe you do. I don't know. Okay I'm babbling. I've mentioned my BFF before. Leigh. We share everything. We work together. I do SO MUCH for them. She's just had a baby a week ago. I love her and her fiance (and now the baby) to bits and I am just one of those friends that would do anything for a friend. Thing is... it's just not appreciated. Not really. Okay I can't explain the history behind it. But she was the one I told everything to. Well mostly everything. She knew exactly what I went through with the ex. Glitch. And her fiance is still best friends with the ex. Slight problem with that. Yeah. We now have mutual friends. Not cool. Although I've known them a lot longer than he has. Does loyalty come into that equation? No.
So, obviously the BFF and her fiance still saw my ex throughout our 'breakup' and all. And obviously he went and introduced his new 'girlfriends' to them. Being friends and all, they kept all of this away from me. Just as they didn't tell him what's going on in my life. I appreciate that. It's something I didn't want to know. Something I wasn't supposed to know. But... talking to the ex myself... I find out things... through the grapevine, as the saying goes... And that's when I couldn't understand why they would tell me they did nothing the weekend or the night before and yet I find out that the ex was with them. Enjoying themselves. Also, I found out that him and (for the sake of the blog. Yes I can be nice.) 'Clarissa' have been seeing each other.
Now this Clarissa... let me tell you where she fits in. 'Coz I met her. Glitch (the ex) has a brother. His brother has a girlfriend. (Weird bitch that one.) This girlfriend has a friend who works with her. This friend is Clarissa. Clarissa dated Glitch's other best friend. Who left her. Because she's a psycho or something. Talk about second hand goods. (I'm sorry if that offends anyone, I was angry.) So I met her at a braai once. And yes, borderline psycho.
Now, Glitch and Clarissa had a thing for each other. And I knew this. Through the grapevine. I'm happy for them and all. But it still hurts ya know?! So one day... I'm sitting on Facebook. With the BFF next to me. On her own computer. And in my news feed I read "Leigh likes this." What is this you ask? Just a photo of the ex and Clarissa. Smugly sitting together. It's Clarissa's profile pic. So... as stupid as I was... (Why do we do this to ourselves?!) I went into Glitch's profile and saw that they are, in fact, in a relationship together. Awesome. Ouch. I dig further (I know... I should have stopped before that) and find that Leigh is, in fact, friends with this Clarissa on Facebook.
Yes. That was a bit of a WTF moment for me, right there. I get stomach cramps just thinking about it now. So, why would my supposed BFF be friends with my ex's new girlfriend? I don't know. Why would she lie to me about this? I don't know. It hurt okay? It hurt a lot. After everything I went through and everything I share with her. That was it. I couldn't handle it. So I started switching myself off from her from then on out. I felt I couldn't trust her anymore. I felt betrayed. I would never do what she did. Never.
Later that same day though... I spoke to Glitch. Regarding something else. But I did tell him congratulations on him and Clarissa. I'm nice like that. His reply? 'Thanx but I don't yet know about Clarissa and I ... I like another girl. Oh, and she's got more hair on her body than I do. That's just wrong. And I haven't even seen her whole body.' What?! ROFLMFAO!!! So why are you in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with? That's just weird. To me. But okay, you're life. Do what you want. I left it there.
Turning to Leigh, next to me, I ask her whatsup with Glitch and Clarissa? I hear he doesn't really like her. She tells me, she doesn't know. No idea. So I lashed back a little saying that seeing as they are 'friends' she should know right? Turns out she can be friends with whoever she wants to be. Yes. I know. And yes. You can. But does the words 'loyalty' and 'friendship' mean anything to you? Apparently not. And no, I didn't say any of that. I kept my mouth shut. I'm too nice. I'm too patient. I'm a sucker for punishment.
In the weeks after that, I shut myself off from 'my BFF' more and more. I didn't tell her any of my personal things. Nothing that I did or what happened. As friends naturally do. I still picked her and her fiance up for work and dropped them off. (Even though they don't pay me a cent and I was struggling.) I was still nice. I still spoke to them. Asked out about them. Cared for them. I couldn't help it. Still can't. I love too easily. Life went on. Just 'without' them. If you know what I mean.
This next part needs some history : Glitch and I met a girl on an accident scene once. Let's call her Phil. We became friends. She was new in our part of town so we made her feel welcome and introduced her to our friends. She fit in nicely. Everyone liked her. Although she tended to drink more than us and mess all over the tile floors. But we could handle that. At least it was fun. Phil thought I was her best friend at that stage. We shared a lot. All was well.
Phil started to get close to Leigh. And that was okay. Until her Facebook status read: 'I just saw my first live sonar! Thank you, Leigh, for the experience of a lifetime. It was awesome!'
I wasn't allowed to go to sonars with Leigh. It was personal for her and her fiance. Understandably. I saw the photo's though. But Phil can go?! Okay. I was hurt. Really hurt.
So... Leigh's due date was 16 October 2009. Cesarean. Early the Friday morning. And I would be there. Waiting for them. The weekend before that, the weekend of the 10th of October, I went to Potchefstroom for a friend's birthday weekend away. The 9th, the Friday, she started getting contractions. She went to the doctor and they sent her home telling her that it's nothing serious. Just her body preparing for the birth. I went to Potch telling her to hold it in whatever happens. Well, obviously that's impossible. But I was told they baby wasn't coming that weekend.
Saturday morning, the 10th, she sends me a Please Call Me at around 11am. I stress. I phone. The baby was born naturally after 8 hours of labor. At 3am. WOW!! A healthy baby girl. I cried a bit and wished her congratulations and told her that I'd see them on Sunday as soon as I get back. I got back on Sunday and tried phoning them immediately. As tired as I was. I wanted to see my friend. I wanted to see the baby we've all been waiting for. For so long. No one answered. URGH!!! What was I supposed to do? I tried phoning again and again, and eventually phoned the ex. As they are his friends too. But believe me, if I had to find out that he'd already been there to see them and the baby, I would've been beyond pissed off. But what could I do? He just told me that as far as he knows they are at her fiance's step dad's house. Nothing else. Okay then. Thank you. Bye Bye.
Anyway, I only got hold of Leigh on Monday morning. Turns out the baby was in ICU. She got hurt during the pregnancy. Obviously. Leigh was too small to give normal birth. Nice way to find out like 3 day's later huh? But that's not the cherry on the cake... No... not even close...
I phoned a friend of mine, who also knows Leigh very well, and told her about the baby. She didn't even the baby was born yet. So she asks me if I have seen Leigh and the baby yet. Because she saw Phil's Facebook status on Saturday... claiming that she was AT THE BIRTH.
I didn't see sh!t on Facebook. Okay I didn't go searching for anything but I was on there. A little bit of investigation later, taught me that Phil and I are, in fact, NOT friends on Facebook anymore. She deleted me. The nerve?! Yet whenever she met a friend of mine, she'd Friend Request them within 24 hours.
I hate Facebook.
I hate social networks.
Understandably?! I think so. What has happened to the world? Why can't people just be honest and straightforward? Why do people hide behind words and actions on the Internet?
Why?! Why?! Why?!
Right now, I am at the stage where I'm just going to write it off. I'm just going to leave it. I am an awesome person and I am an awesome friend. If you cannot see that and see the love I have to give... that's your loss! You do not make me any less of a person. You do not make me who I am. I will lick my (small) wounds. Wait for the scabs. Wait for it to fall off. There will be tiny marks where you used to be. Because each and every one of you meant something to me. At some stage. Each and every one of you (I thought) deserved the love I had to give. You just didn't appreciate it. And that's not my fault. That's not my problem. I tried. I didn't fail. You did.
PS - The ex also deleted me now. Awesome.
PPS - I still haven't been able to see the baby. It's been 9 days. I tried to go and visit them. They stopped me short, asking if we can arrange for the weekend as they should be home by then. They'll let me know. They didn't. I'm so tired of licking arse. Not that I have in this case. I won't. I refuse. If they wanted me there, they would have said so. Right? I tried. And tried. And tried. I give up. I am awesome like that. Because I don't need this Sh!t. I really don't.
PPPS - This was very hard to write. And I've probably been rambling. But so what. I don't care.