Oct 6, 2010

Sept 10 - Bleh

I'm so confused I want to scream. It's no ones fault but my own. I got myself into an emotional mess and I don't know how to get out of it quick enough. I will be fine. I know I will. I just don't know which way is up right now. I'm drowning. But I'll be okay. Soon, I hope.

I don't know how to handle Maritz. He sees what is between us a lot differently than I see it. I feel terrible about it, but I can't help it. I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know if anyone is at this point. It's not just him, you see, it's anybody. I like where I am now. I like being me. Single. Loving it. No one to answer to but myself. What scares me is that I think I might be keeping him in my life for my own convenience. It's unfair. I hate it. But I know I love him and I want him in my life. I just don't know if I see him in my future. Am I a bad person? Thing is, as I've said, he wants me in his life. The forever kind of want. And it's great. It's flattering. It makes my heart happy. Yet... I feel like running away. I don't always feel like sending him a text message or replying on the ones he sends me. I don't always want to go and visit him or play games with him, but it's okay if he comes over to my place, or sleeps over next to me, holding me, touching me...

I like someone else. I have a crush on this someone. I feel like a damn teenager and it's fun. It's new. It's exciting. I've liked him for years and years, and now... he's back. My crush is back. He was/is my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He got married. He is busy with a divorce. He fascinates me. He attracts me like crazy. I want him. I want to kiss him and touch him and explore him...

TMI? Get over it.

I realize I cannot let something that might just be lust destroy the love that Maritz and I have. Probably why it's so confusing! I'm torn between the two.

Not only that... I miss someone from my past. Lately. I don't know what's going on with me. Could it be my PMS emotional roller coaster for this week? I hope so. This someone from my past phoned me last night. I was close to fast asleep. I told him I miss him. I think it was a big mistake. But I do. I miss him. I miss the good. I don't miss the bad, obviously. The bad is what turned me into the emotional relationship wreck that I am today. I don't want that back, and that's why I think it was a mistake. Sometimes, I hate it that I'm so honest. It tends to bite me in the ass.

I'm confused. Period.

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