Oct 13, 2010

Single. Still holding on.

People think that being single is a curse. People think that being single means that you're alone. I disagree. Being single is completely what you make of it. I want to be single. I need to be single. And I know that. I need to find out who I am as a person. I need to find out what I want and what I expect from a person. And not just a potential love interest, but friends too.

I'm holding on and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. Yes, there are times I want to fall apart. There are times I want to cry. There are times, more than I would like to admit, that I realize how screwed up I am and when I'm pretty sure I'll never be okay again. But then the clouds clear and the voice of reason steps in. There is always a ray of sunshine in my life. I have great friends and an amazing family. I have opportunities in my life and I have so much to be grateful for. It's all good. (On the outside).

What I feel isn't always sunshine and roses, though. I have and am going through a rough time, sorting myself out and all that. I've come to realize I am a very difficult person to live with. I'm full of sh!t and my standards are extremely high. Thing is, I don't see that as a bad thing. I want the best and I deserve the best. I deserve to be treated the way I want to treat that person in my life. I don't see that as wrong, but maybe that's just the problem.

Certain people have told me how full of sh!t I am. I have heard, in the last couple of months, that I am, for example, not a very affectionate person. And here I actually thought I was. But once I started thinking about it, they're right. I'm not. I don't like someone hanging on me and hugging and kissing me all the time. I don't do it to someone either. It tends to irritate me. And it's not like it's just in front of people (PDA), it's all the time. Alone or not. I want affection. I give affection. But only on my terms. And only as much as I can handle. Oh and not from just anyone, of course. That's full of sh!t and unfair, right? I suppose it is...

I'm not into sending a lot of text messages. Girls always want to hear from the guys in their lives throughout the day. They want to know where they are all the time and read words of love on their cellphones all the time. I'm not like that. I probably won't SMS a guy throughout the day when I'm at work. At all. I don't expect any messages either. Things can change though, I know that. People, situations and relationships are all different.

I am a time freak. (Does that make any sense?). If someone asks me to be somewhere at 7pm, I want to be there at 7pm. I hate being late. I hate when things don't go as planned. I hate it when people are slow, when they seem to think they have all the time in the world but really we're already late. It frustrates me! It drives me nuts! But really... I need to learn to handle it better. I need to realize that things will go wrong. I need to realize that even though everything doesn't always go as planned or on time, it's not the end of the world. And that most of the time, people don't even realize it. And so I'm learning. Slowly but surely. I'm better already... (Most of the time). I even know where I get it from, it's pretty funny. My Grandfather. The Military men are set on time management I swear.

I'm way more sexual than I thought. (TMI? Get over it.) I love sex. I love everything surrounding sex. I love enjoying myself. I love being enjoyed. Does that make sense? I love exploring. I love getting to know what I like and what I don't like. I love getting to know my own body. I love learning new things and teaching new things. I love building confidence. My own as well as my lover's. I love not wearing clothes. I love that I'm really trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I love that I'm working on my body for ME, not for anyone else. I love that I am good enough to be considered sexy and hot and amazing, even though I don't have a size 6 figure or less. It's all in the mind. It's all in the confidence and personality. Yes, I do feel self-conscious, most of the times, but I learn to get over it. Even if it's just for a while.

I love that I'm safe as well. I love that's all about what I decide and not anyone else. I love that I am in control of my own time, my own body and my own feelings. Or at least, I try. I'm not irresponsible. I don't sleep around with every Tom, Dick & Harry (Contrary to popular belief I've heard). Is that the normal thing to think when a girl is single and sexually confident? Who's to say I even sleep with anyone?! ... Let me just bite my tongue a bit for now. I don't want to lose my temper just yet ...

I am learning so much about myself. I love it. I need it. I'm also learning what I want to change and what I want to keep. What is good and what is bad. I want to know what I want out of a relationship, a friendship, as well as life. And it's all up to me. I get to choose. I get to fcuk it up or make it great. Pressure? Kinda!


michael said...

I'm glad to hear you're choosing to care less about what other people think, and taking time to take more control. And that you're learning so much more about yourself. (After all, the only person we're guaranteed to spend the rest of our lives with is the person who stares back at us in the mirror, right?)

Hope you're doing well, Maryke. And that you're continuing to be the awesome person you are.

With affection,

Maryx said...

Thanks sweetie! I appreciate your comments so much! =)

How are you doing at the university? I'm super curious!

Anonymous said...

Very nice post. Its so true! Loving yous

Maryx said...

Thanks Griex! You know... sometimes I talk too much. Or write too much.. haha! Oh well my blog my way huh? Love ya!