Oct 25, 2010

Now, we turn the page

My heart is healing. It hurts, but it's healing. I have my answers. I understand now, mostly. It wasn't me. It was never about me. It was about them, it was between them. He loved me all the way, fully. He still does, in fact. I wouldn't settle. I couldn't settle. I had so much, but I wanted more. I wanted perfection. There is no such thing as perfection. I wasn't perfect, and I'll never be. People have their flaws. Compromise deals with those flaws.
I didn't see the bigger picture at the time, I get that now. I didn't see his bigger picture, the picture he wanted to hide from me.

He has no friends. I don't know what to make of that. I have friends, I know people. I value people and I like to think they value me. He can't say the same thing. I don't get that, really. But it's not up to me to understand. It's up to him. I don't think you can always function right without friends. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I'd lose my marbles, that's for sure. I can't imagine how he must feel...

I know.. I'm rambling again. I just fell right into it right there. Let me start over.

When I got to the farm on Friday night, he wasn't there yet. He arrived almost an hour later. I didn't walk away, strangely enough. I met him on the front porch as he hugged me close with a bunch of flowers in his hands for me. He unpacked the car and we spent the night chatting idly and making and sharing a snack platter between the four of us and the two kids.

Saturday was spent lounging around. Drinking. Eating. Where we finally had a talk on Saturday afternoon... I asked my questions. I said what I needed to say. He listened. He answered as best he could. Saturday night was spent drinking around the fire, listening to music, laughing, singing and even crying. It felt like such a release. It was a cry that I needed. Crying always makes you feel better, that's my philosophy. I cried for myself. I cried for him. I cried for my grandfather. I cried for my niece. What a strange combination, huh? Yeah, I thought so too.

Sunday was spent relaxing. Eating. Sleeping. Where after we headed for home. Separately.

I missed him. I missed his touch. I missed his kiss. I missed his silly laugh. I missed how much he admires me. I missed the way he looks at me. I missed being in his arms. I missed the electricity between us. I missed how well we knew each other. I missed the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. I missed how he can make me smile and laugh. I missed his funny habits, and how well he knew mine, and accepted them, no matter how ridiculous they are.

I had all of that this weekend on the farm. And more.
But by Sunday, I wanted to run away. By Sunday, something had changed inside of me.

It feels as if he closed the chapter on us when he did what he did to me. It feels like I never got to finish that chapter or have my say in it. This weekend, I did. I think I finished the chapter and I'm ready to close the book on us. I say that now... but do I really mean it though. I'm a bit unsure. I feel better. I feel closer to okay. I feel like I make more sense than before. But then... I spoke to him on Monday again. He wanted to know "What now?"

What now? What now?!
I don't know what now...

Now, we turn the page. Now, I forgive. Now, I begin to forget. Now, he has to start figuring himself out. Now, he will start seeing a psychiatrist for help. Now, I wish I could do the same.
I don't know what now. I want to say let's try again. I want to say let's just jump in the deep end and go for it. I want to say Please just make me happy, Please just make me yours, I want to make you happy. I just want to make it easy.

I want to... but I can't. I can't allow myself to settle for anything less than real happiness. I can't just settle for half of it. I can't just settle for comfort. But am I walking away from something good? I think I've asked myself that question a million times. Regarding a million different people. Things happen. People change. I think it would be better to move on. I think it is the right thing to do. It doesn't help me walking backwards in my life. I want to move forwards. I have to move forwards.

Problem is... my heart is too soft. I'm too nice. I can't just turn around and walk away like that. I takes me really long. Even though I want to or it's the best thing to do. It's not easy for me.

My blessing and my curse. Urgh!

1 comment:

Vinita Santhosh said...

I can totally relate to how you feel now. people like us,find it too difficult to just move on leaving something/someone behind,knowing 4 sure tht they arent ok fully.

hope n pray that everything turn out to be good. God bless you!