Oct 6, 2010

Sept 16 - Suicidal Smiles

Everybody seems to have an opinion about my life and how I should be living it. Everybody wants me to conform to their way of thinking. What I don't get is... Why?!
I'm not like you. You have no idea what I've gone through in life and you have no idea where I'm headed. You don't know what frame of mind I'm in right now, or have been for that matter. You think you know me, but you only know the person I show to you.

A very close friend of mine, who has known me for up to 7 years already, shared a story with me about an old friend of hers who had suicidal tendencies. I came up with the statement, after she told me how shocked she was, although there were small signs, that I don't think you can always tell or foresee if someone is suicidal.
It's horrible to think about, therefore I think people deny it in themselves as well as in others.
She looked me straight in the eyes that night, and told me that she knows for a fact that I have never, and probably will never, entertain suicidal thoughts...

Seriously? Well then, I'm a better liar than I thought.

When asked why, her answer was simple - I'm such a happy, positive, friendly person. Yeah, pretty much. But what she doesn't see is the side of me breaking down. Falling apart. The side of me staring at prescription pills convincing myself that there has to be more to life than this. The side of me waiting, and hoping, for a major car accident. Every single day. But caring more for other people than for myself.

I hate talking about my life or the way I feel. I can't stand the judgements or the questions. I guess that's why I blog. This is me. Take it or leave it. Honestly.

I have these 'selfish' thoughts in my head...
That I need to feel needed. I need to feel loved. Taken care of. Provided for. Understood. Special. That never-ending search is killing me. Breaking me. I hate having to accept that people, in general, are assholes. We hurt the ones we love and who love us. It's just the way of the world. I do it. You do it. They do it. Nobody is innocent. But that still doesn't mean we like or accept it. I know I don't.

Where do I go from here? I'll figure it. I know I will.

P.S. I'm young. I'm single. I love it. Mind your own business. Keep your loved-up opinions to yourselves. Be realistic. Be honest. Be supportive. Listen. Learn. Be my friend. It's not hard, I do it all the time. Or, at least it feels like it...


Grietjie said...

wel jy weet ek is jou gewete wat met jou praat. daai klein stemmetjie wat se als gan fine wees! haha ek en jy dink baie dieselfde. strange but true. Jy weet jy kan ALTYD met my praat!

Maryx said...

=) Thanx my friend!