Nov 4, 2009

My Hope

Hope. Such a soft word. Such a powerful word. Such a deep word. Such a hurtful word. I don't know how to put how I feel into words. So I'm choosing hope. Yes. It's a good description. I have hope. I have hope for a brighter future. I have hope for a happier future. It might just happen. To little old me... Wow. Unbelievable. Awesome. Hope can break you down or build you up. But how can one word... one thing... one emotion? ... do so many different things? I don't get it. I hate it. Do I? Oh I don't know anymore. I'm a bit confused and as you've noticed I've been rambling a lot lately. But it's not about you now is it...? It's about me. And what I feel and ramble and want and love and hate... Okay now I'm going over board.

Still true though. As I've said... I feel a bit overwhelmed and busy lately. Everything is happening at once and I can't complain about it. I love it. I love how random and spontaneous my life has become. It's like I feed off of it... =D

What I was really heading for though...

I've used those words before but now... I truly hope I never see this happen. I'm so scared. I'm so scared of what may happen. I'm so scared of what may not happen. Confusing? I know. How can you carry on believing in love and all that goes with it when you've been brutally crushed not once but a couple of times. I'm sick of it. I'm scared beyond repair. Okay no, you know what? ... Not beyond repair. Never beyond repair. There's always hope. Otherwise why would I still be here? Why would most of us still be here? Why would we still be looking the world in the eye and hoping and praying for that perfect someone to share this life with? For what?

For times like this. Times when you find someone who appreciates you and wants you for exactly the person you are. They don't want to change even a little bit of you. They laugh with you not at you. They do so much... Urm okay I'm babbling again.

I 'met' a guy. Again. My BFF (from my high school days), MC, introduced me to her nephew something like 5 years back. Not purposefully of course. We were young. 17 when he was 22. We saw each other, by accident, a couple of times back in the day. I had a crush on him. Apparently he had a crush on me. Who knew?!

We found each other again after all these years. And... yes... Fell in love. It's scary. It's VERY scary. But he's so amazing I don't think I need to be scared of it. Scared of what's developing between us. But I am. I can't help it. I scared of what may happen. I'm scared of what may not happen. I'm sure I've said that before. Oh well... I have so much that I want to say about him. So much that I want to share. But I'm lost for words. So I'm hoping words will find me. Soon. I'm bursting on the inside. I'm just too scared to embrace it. Is that normal? Yeah I'm rambling again. Tough sh!t.

(This pic might as well be him and I. He just might be the best cuddle buddy in the world. Something to get used to though... but I'm not complaining.)


Jenn(ifer) said...

Aww! good luck!
...and if a guy can't cuddle, he isn't worth a dime! ;-)

kys said...

Good for you!

Maryx said...

=D SO true Jenn! Heehee! Thanx!

Thanx Kys! =D