How the Fcuk can You be Scared of Love?!

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Sometimes I wonder what I would answer if my friends asked me if I was in love with him. Now, they would never question because I'm really good at hiding my feelings due to years of practice. But IF.

"I don't know" I might say. "I'll admit that there is a certain tension between him and me that I don't feel I have with anyone else." Then, after a moment of thought, I might continue: "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his back so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

The ting is that I don't want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can't ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can't bear to deal with them, and I certainly can't deal with the feelings that comes after. When you've been hurt. And you always get hurt.

I never let anyone in. It takes years of good behaviour to make me trust a person fully. Much because I've been let down. Hard. I've poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, in many many years I've never let myself feel anything for anyone, I've run when I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore. I've run so awfully much, in such an awful long time, and I'm so awfully tired.

So, this time, I shave sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings that make me want him to hold me. The feelings that, when he looks at me in a certain way, are so overwhelming that it takes all of my self-restraint to not move over and kiss him full on the mouth. The feelings that makes me pee myself out of fear.

I really don't know what to do. People tell me loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how you feel when you get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and... And I'm babbling. I always do when I'm scared. And I'm so awfully scared right now.

How the fuck can you be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot.

-S

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this on Le Love as well. Such an awesome and sincere blog. From all over the world really. And awesome pics included. But seriously... think about these words for a second. Do you do the same thing? I do. Sort of. And I am a master at hiding what I really feel. Nobody really knows me in that sense. And once someone starts breaking down my walls and seeing through my pretenses, I want to run as well. It's scary!! But for once it feels like I'm the verge of speaking VERY truthfully when I say I'M IN LOVE. I really am. And I don't WANT to run anymore. I just want to run to him. That's good right?

It Wasn't Right - Le Love

Check out this post on Le Love - It Wasn't Right

Worth the read. And sad.
And... hasn't this happened to a lot of us? Somehow?

The Wheel DOES Turn

CAN you bloody believe it?! The wheel DOES turn. I hope you know the saying, otherwise that statement would make NO sense to you. They saying goes that 'Whatever goes around comes around.' And 'What you give is what you get.' As well as 'Do unto others what you want done to yourself.' Oh and another one ... 'What you do to others will come back to you 3 X 3.'

Scary to think about it that way huh? Scary to think that what you give out is what you're going to get back. Whether you like it or not. Scary to think that there are so many people out there with so much negativity in their hearts, with so much hatred and so many issues. Best is... they are surprised when things don't go well for them. WTF?! People like that, in my opinion, have NO common sense. And that's just bloody amazing right there on its own. I mean . . . ? !

Okay, I'm not going into that debate right now. Nor do I have the time.

Have you ever watched The Secret?
Well I'm going to be honest here and tell you that I was VERY skeptical over The Secret and all they claim it is. I watched the DVD, I didn't read the book. I just thought to myself 'Well yes, it's a lovely thought and all, but that's just not how it works. That's just not how it turns out.' And can you believe it?! I was wrong. Yes. I admit it. I was wrong. So sue me. =D I'm not here to promote The Secret or speak of any prophecy of any sort. I'm just putting this into perspective. (And maybe if you watch it and think the same thing I was thinking and then later in life you realize but you were as wrong as I was you think back on my wise words as well...)

As you might have realized... I went through a tough time after the break up with Glitch, the Ex (If you're behind on my extremely interesting over-rated mundane life, well then, look it up) ... It's not as if Glitch was the most wonderful boyfriend or I loved him the most or anything like that (We dated for 9 months, get real.) I think I had just had enough. After years and years (seriously!) of not being single any longer than a month, I was just finished. I couldn't take it anymore. I had two blissful weeks after the break-up STILL spent in his arms and talking to him and spending time with him. AKA I had two weeks of blissful denial that we were DONE.

Note to self (Maybe you* ought to copy this one)
~ NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. IT'S A VERY BAD IDEA. ~

After my pathetic denial of the inevitable I found myself - Alone. FAN-FCUKIN-TASTIC. Yes, I cried a bit. Yes, I spent time alone. Yes, I felt sorry for myself. Yes, I missed him. Oh... how I missed him! But did I miss HIM or just the thought of him?? That's what got me thinking I guess... and that train of thought just had no brakes, I'm telling ya! =D

Well I'm not one for self-pity or locking myself up from the world, so I went out and made myself heard. Also my reason for not blogging. I don't get a moment for myself!! (Not that I'm complaining...) I have awesome friends who love me for me and care for and stand by me. I have friends who need me. I have friends who look up to me. I have friends I look up to and very much need in my life. My pillars of strength. I have old friends, new friends, funky friends and weird friends. I have friends who expect me to get the party started! Wait. What?! Yes. Me.

Side Note: I never used to be this person. =D

Strange to think about actually. I don't know how this happened. (I'm rambling again. Deal with it.) One minute I'm a friend. Now I'm the friend. Not to blow my own horn or anything. I LOVE what I do. I love being the one who's shoulder you can cry on. I love being the friend you run to for comfort, protection and advice. I love being there for my girls. I love knowing that they are there for me. I love how well we know each other and that we can put up with each others sh!ts and giggles all the way! I love showing them how wonderful the world is and how spontaneous and random we can be together. And it's ALWAYS fun!! I turned to them. Now they are turning to me. And I love it. It gives me meaning. And I needed that for so long. I felt like a lost fart. Not anymore though...

(By the way I've probably been working on this post for 2 weeks now. I can't get to finishing it. And I can't get to the point. I give up.)

HAHA

Maryx went from "single" to "in a relationship"

Dear Dad

Clearly, I was bitter. I found this on my laptop. Hidden.
You have to understand something here... I don't have a dad. Never have. Never will. Don't give a sh!t anymore. Yes. Anymore. I DID give a sh!t at one point. It's normal. It blew over. (After some counselling. Admittedly. But it's over nonetheless.) I was angry. I was going through a lot of sh!t at that point in time. And I lashed out at the non-existent dad. HAHA!! Yeah... I'm awesome like that. But anyway, that's a whole different post right there. Enjoy. I think. =D



Dear dad, why'd you do it?
Dear Dad, why'd you go?
Why'd you have to go and leave us?
Why'd you never let me know?
You never wanted to know me, you didn't want
me to exist. You let my mom go, you dropped
us like an old rag. Don't you love us? Did you ever?
No, you're useless! You're a fraud! You're just a load of shit
sent to give me life! No way, you screwed it up dad!
My life is anyway a mess!
I hope you burn in HELL, Dear Dad!!

Author: Maryke Pretorius

QuizGalaxy.com

WARNING - HUGE ASS POST THAT HAS NO SIGNIFICANCE WHATSOEVER.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED...

ENJOY...

Yeah go ahead and laugh. I did too. I thought these would be funny. I came across this site and thought 'Hey why the hell not... I'm bored...' So there you go! LMAO!!

*Click to enlarge and read*

Phychic huh? Not the first time I've heard that about myself...

SO True!

How are you going to die?

Death through Sex!

You are going to die by having a heart attack during sex. This is probably because it fills up so much of your time now that if you died doing anything else, it would be going against the odds.

Whoop Whoop!!!! Now THAT'S the way to go!! =D

How psychic are you?

You are 53% Psychic!

You are psychic. You are above average when it comes to perceiving the future. You are very observant and clever, with a good amount of common sense. It is very easy for you to predict things and be correct.

Yeah Yeah...

What is your biggest pet peeve?

You hate Smug People!

Smugness is your biggest pet peeve. What with all their thinking they’re so good. They are so self-absorbed, they won’t acknowledge anyone but themselves. Arg.

Totally True. I cannot stand them. Nobody is better than anybody else.

Who is your arch-nemesis?

The godfather - Because you stole their underwear. In a duel to the death, the winner would be ... It'd be a tie.

ROFLMFAO!!!!!

What should you be for Halloween?

You should be a Vampire

You like to go sexy/scary at Halloween. You love horror movies and the ideals of Halloween (and all of the candy doesn’t hurt either). You are very laid back and love to chill with your friends watching scary movies on Halloween.

Okay Okay Halloween passed me by I know... but we don't celebrate Halloween here in SA really. So yeah... was just curious... Yummy!

What will your Wanted poster say?

Maryx

WANTED FOR: illegally downloading a song by Metallica

REWARD: a backstage pass to the concert of your choice

Bullsh!t

What happened to you as a child?

You were force-fed broccoli smoothies.

Because of this, You say 'that's hot' more than 3 times a day

Double Bullsh!t. I think. =S

What does your future hold?

You will get into the Guinness Book of World Records for falling from the highest level without dying

Cool. I think. =D

What is important in your life?

Fun is most important in your life.

Having a high focus on fun indicates that you value your own enjoyment over anything else. And there is nothing wrong with that. Your motto is we're here for a good time - not a long time.

I have to admit... that might just be partially true.

What is your perfect guy/girl comprised of?

Kindness

Kindness is most important in a boyfriend/girlfriend. You want someone who will go through everything with you - the best moments and the worst, and all of those other moments in between. You love to be able to say anything to your partner, and have them say anything to you. You are able to be extremely close with your partner for that reason.

TRUE

What should your name tag say?

I'm Maryx and I'm in Office Administration.... LMAO!

What is your random movie quote?

'I feel like the floor of a taxi cab.' - Dr. Egon Spengler, Ghostbusters

WTF?!

Why would you travel back in time?

Maryx will travel Back in Time...

To visit your ancestors in the 6th century

Quite Possibly... =D

What 80s movie does your life most resemble?

Pretty in Pink

Your life mostly resembles Pretty in Pink. You have some financial difficulties, but because of them you are more creative. You are prone to having a sidekick who follows you everywhere because you are so cool.

=D

What language should you learn?

You should learn Japanese

You should learn Japanese. You are very practical, and enjoy setting goals for yourself. You feel very rewarded when you accomplish something big.

Urm... Okay.

What's your best excuse?

Maryx's best excuse is ...
	"Porn is addictive"

ROFLMFAO!!! *Ahem!*

What will the movie of your life be called?

Bullsh!t

How will you be defined in the dictionary?

Maryx [adjective] --

Visually addictive

Whoop Whoop!! =D Heehee!

What's your rejected horoscope?

Maryke's Rejected Horoscope:

You will cut yourself on a butter knife causing your friends to make fun of you until you collapse due to loss of blood

Nice... What awesome friends I have...

What is your most appealing feature?

Your Back, Arms, Legs!

Your best features are your legs, arms and back. You have sexy written all over you.

Yeah Baby Yeah! =D

What will your business card say?

Maryke Pretorius

Tastes like Cherries

Yum Yum!! =D *Cheesy Grin*

What high school stereotype do you fit into?

You fit in with Normal

You don't really fit into any highschool stereotype: you're pretty much normal. Hovering somewhere in the middle between non-conformity and conformity, you're your own person ... within the group.

True!

What ridiculous surgery should you get?

Maryx, you should ...

Get vampire caps on your teeth to frighten children

*EVIL LAUGH*

What effect do you have on people?

Maryke Pills:

Will cause severe horniness

Whoop Whoop!!! Hell Yeah! =D

What will your obituary say?

Imploringly while trying to recant, Maryke Pretorius died laughing hysterically.

Maryke Pretorius will be terribly missed by Prince Charles.

What a way to go!! Love It! (And WTF Prince Charles?! hehe)

What is your recipe for love?

	Maryx: Recipe for Love
	- a scoop of sensitivity
	- 1/4 of a cup of romance
	- a dash of fun
Blend together quickly and serve.

That looks just about right...

Why are you going to hell?

Urm... Oookkkaaaayyyy... Whatever.

How do you subconsciously see your friends?

Friend's Name	Word Association	Meaning
Grietjie	Bat	Mysterious, Intelligent, Enigma. This person is hugely alluring to you.
Jean-Marie	Bell	Someone whom you feel may be dangerous to let into your heart.
Ilze	Pearl	Beautiful and real - you have a lot of respect for this person.
Chantelle	Lantern	The person who sees you for you.
Bernice	Wig	You believe this person to be totally insane. (And they SO are!)
Shannyn	Zoo	The least socially-conventional person that you know. (And, consequently, the most fun.)

Urm.. okay... sorta kinda ... Oh Whateva!

What will your last words be?

Maryke's Last Words will be ...
	"Marry me, baby!"

FFS?! Come on man! When I'm dying?!

What will you be reincarnated as?

Maryke Pretorius will be reincarnated as...

A real-life boondock saint

Urm.. okkkaaaayyyy...

How messed up are you?

You are 28% messed up. You are not messed up, which is odd because practically everyone else is. Maybe that makes you even more messed up than the others.

So which one do you think it is?! =D

How normal are you?

You are 100% Normal
You are shockingly normal... and since normal doesn't really exist, that is kinda scary. In fact, you are scarier than the most abnormal person. Go you!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Where will you be in ten years?

WHERE: In Amsterdam WHY: Walked around naked

LMAO!

How will you die?

You'll die from a Heart Attack during Sex.

Your a lover not a fighter but sadly, in the act of making love your heart will stop. But what a way to go.

SECOND Quiz that confirms this... HAHAHAHAHA!! Hell Yeah! =D

How Likeable are You?

You are 73% likeable

You are a likeable person. You are fiercely loyal to your friends and you have a lot of them. You have may have a few enemies but it is only because they don't really know the real you.

SO TRUE!

What did your birth announcement say?

Adri Pretorius is Proud to Announce the Birth of her Child, Maryke Pretorius, on July 15, 1988.

Unfortunately, Maryke Pretorius is the anti-christ.

Adri Pretorius is visiting an exorcist soon.

Urm... Lovely! HAHA!

I DO live in hope... =D

What is your special ability?

Your special ability is ... Causing natural disasters to kill your enemies (and consequently killing millions of others)

Oh Sh!t

What will you be when you grow up?

You will be ... The boss

Whoop Whoop!! =D

What will you be caught red-handed doing?

You'll be caught... Dancing like nobody's watching

Hell Yeah!! =D

What will you last be seen doing?

Missing: Maryke Pretorius
Was last seen speaking in tongues

Wow... Sh!t

How high-maintenance are you?

You are 31% High-Maintenance!
You're a little high-maintenance, but not that much. You like being pampered, but that doesn't mean you're afraid of hard work - you can get the job done, if need be.

Well that's not too bad...

What animal will you be reincarnated as?

You will spend your time hiding a shiny piece of foil you found.

What's the fun in that?!

Which Barbie are you?

You are Original Barbie!
You are traditional and are fond of being treated like a lady. You are kindhearted and naive, but adored by all.

TRUE

The Life Predictor

You will never get married. You won't have any kids. You will live for another 50-60 years.

WTF?!?!?! Kill me now?!?! Please Please Please Kill Me Now?!?!?!?!?!
(Yeah Whatever)

What did your name mean in ancient times?

Maryke Pretorius [verb] ~

To be a pirate

That could work... as long as I'm a sexy pirate

What is your Secret Wish?

Your Secret Wish is... To bring about world peace

Works for me... =D

What is your personal life motto?

Maryke Pretorius

"CALM DOWN - It's party time"

LMFAO!!! Totally!!!

What is your personality recipe?

Maryx - 2 teaspoons of athleticism - 2 teaspoons of caring - a gallon of romance Season and serve.

=D

What level are your social skills on?

You have the best social skills. You love meeting new people and get along with practically anybody. You have tons of friends and are constantly making more. You rule.

Hell yeah!! Whoop Whoop!! =D

What does your Birthdate mean?

- July 15 -
You are very sensitive and sympathetic to the feelings of others. You are friendly and fun to be with, but you are easily hurt by others. You are a homebody sometimes and enjoy just chilling with friends.
Positive Traits: nurturing, domestic, understanding, artistic, generous
Negative Traits: codependency, resistance to change, stubborn, manipulative, needy

TRUE TRUE TRUE... as always!

How will you be proposed to?

	How will you be proposed to?	At the amusment park
	What will you say?	"Yes"

Oh no... Urm...

Dear Future Hubs,

Please don't propose at an amusement park. I'll laugh at you.

Love,
Your Wife to Be

What letter will your soulmates name start with?

Your Soul-Mate's Name will Start with the Letter...
	J

Yeah... Right...

What is your greatest fear?

Your greatest fear is that you will be eaten by a swarm of bats.

WTF?! Urm... no... My greatest fear is losing someone I love.

What is your insightful quote?

	"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right."
- Henry Ford

Words of wisdom right there...

Are you in Love?

You LIKE Them!
You really like the person you are with, but it hasn't gotten to the point that you love them yet. Stick with it, and it might turn into love!

True. True. I'm hoping it turns into love yes. =D

What Movie do you belong in?

Oookkkkaaaayyy... Cool.

What is your Names Secret Meaning?

Maryke Pretorius,
your name's Secret Meaning is...

"Pessimistically Optimistic"

=D

What is the hidden meaning of your name?

Maryke Pretorius: Wisdom

There you have it! =D

What should you have been named?

You are fun and unique.

Your parents should have named you...

Aurora

I LOVE THAT NAME!

=D Nice!

Okay Okay I'll stop now. You've probably stopped reading anyway. Shows you my boredom and inability to do anything but copy and paste today. I have so much to do and NO intention of doing it today. Work included. Although... I'm heading to Muaythai again today, it's awesome btw! Have to get over my laziness though...

So do some and let me know what you got!