Now, we turn the page

My heart is healing. It hurts, but it's healing. I have my answers. I understand now, mostly. It wasn't me. It was never about me. It was about them, it was between them. He loved me all the way, fully. He still does, in fact. I wouldn't settle. I couldn't settle. I had so much, but I wanted more. I wanted perfection. There is no such thing as perfection. I wasn't perfect, and I'll never be. People have their flaws. Compromise deals with those flaws.
I didn't see the bigger picture at the time, I get that now. I didn't see his bigger picture, the picture he wanted to hide from me.

He has no friends. I don't know what to make of that. I have friends, I know people. I value people and I like to think they value me. He can't say the same thing. I don't get that, really. But it's not up to me to understand. It's up to him. I don't think you can always function right without friends. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I'd lose my marbles, that's for sure. I can't imagine how he must feel...

I know.. I'm rambling again. I just fell right into it right there. Let me start over.

When I got to the farm on Friday night, he wasn't there yet. He arrived almost an hour later. I didn't walk away, strangely enough. I met him on the front porch as he hugged me close with a bunch of flowers in his hands for me. He unpacked the car and we spent the night chatting idly and making and sharing a snack platter between the four of us and the two kids.

Saturday was spent lounging around. Drinking. Eating. Where we finally had a talk on Saturday afternoon... I asked my questions. I said what I needed to say. He listened. He answered as best he could. Saturday night was spent drinking around the fire, listening to music, laughing, singing and even crying. It felt like such a release. It was a cry that I needed. Crying always makes you feel better, that's my philosophy. I cried for myself. I cried for him. I cried for my grandfather. I cried for my niece. What a strange combination, huh? Yeah, I thought so too.

Sunday was spent relaxing. Eating. Sleeping. Where after we headed for home. Separately.

I missed him. I missed his touch. I missed his kiss. I missed his silly laugh. I missed how much he admires me. I missed the way he looks at me. I missed being in his arms. I missed the electricity between us. I missed how well we knew each other. I missed the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him. I missed how he can make me smile and laugh. I missed his funny habits, and how well he knew mine, and accepted them, no matter how ridiculous they are.

I had all of that this weekend on the farm. And more.
But by Sunday, I wanted to run away. By Sunday, something had changed inside of me.

It feels as if he closed the chapter on us when he did what he did to me. It feels like I never got to finish that chapter or have my say in it. This weekend, I did. I think I finished the chapter and I'm ready to close the book on us. I say that now... but do I really mean it though. I'm a bit unsure. I feel better. I feel closer to okay. I feel like I make more sense than before. But then... I spoke to him on Monday again. He wanted to know "What now?"

What now? What now?!
I don't know what now...

Now, we turn the page. Now, I forgive. Now, I begin to forget. Now, he has to start figuring himself out. Now, he will start seeing a psychiatrist for help. Now, I wish I could do the same.
I don't know what now. I want to say let's try again. I want to say let's just jump in the deep end and go for it. I want to say Please just make me happy, Please just make me yours, I want to make you happy. I just want to make it easy.

I want to... but I can't. I can't allow myself to settle for anything less than real happiness. I can't just settle for half of it. I can't just settle for comfort. But am I walking away from something good? I think I've asked myself that question a million times. Regarding a million different people. Things happen. People change. I think it would be better to move on. I think it is the right thing to do. It doesn't help me walking backwards in my life. I want to move forwards. I have to move forwards.

Problem is... my heart is too soft. I'm too nice. I can't just turn around and walk away like that. I takes me really long. Even though I want to or it's the best thing to do. It's not easy for me.

My blessing and my curse. Urgh!

The Man I will Marry

I'm going to the farm next weekend. I'm going to see him again. I'm really, really scared. I invited him. My friend invited him. We're staying the whole weekend. We're going to spend time together. We're going to talk. I have so many questions I want to ask. I have so many things I want to figure out. I'm sure he does too. I need this. I need... clarity. I need... to know.

We've been talking. A lot. We've been talking about all kinds of different things. We've been laughing and sharing. I look forward to talking to him every day. I look forward to hearing his voice. It scares the crap out of me... But it will be okay. I will be okay. I will keep my head squarely on my shoulders and I won't do something I'll regret.

Look at me convincing myself... =)

Single. Still holding on.

People think that being single is a curse. People think that being single means that you're alone. I disagree. Being single is completely what you make of it. I want to be single. I need to be single. And I know that. I need to find out who I am as a person. I need to find out what I want and what I expect from a person. And not just a potential love interest, but friends too.

I'm holding on and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. Yes, there are times I want to fall apart. There are times I want to cry. There are times, more than I would like to admit, that I realize how screwed up I am and when I'm pretty sure I'll never be okay again. But then the clouds clear and the voice of reason steps in. There is always a ray of sunshine in my life. I have great friends and an amazing family. I have opportunities in my life and I have so much to be grateful for. It's all good. (On the outside).

What I feel isn't always sunshine and roses, though. I have and am going through a rough time, sorting myself out and all that. I've come to realize I am a very difficult person to live with. I'm full of sh!t and my standards are extremely high. Thing is, I don't see that as a bad thing. I want the best and I deserve the best. I deserve to be treated the way I want to treat that person in my life. I don't see that as wrong, but maybe that's just the problem.

Certain people have told me how full of sh!t I am. I have heard, in the last couple of months, that I am, for example, not a very affectionate person. And here I actually thought I was. But once I started thinking about it, they're right. I'm not. I don't like someone hanging on me and hugging and kissing me all the time. I don't do it to someone either. It tends to irritate me. And it's not like it's just in front of people (PDA), it's all the time. Alone or not. I want affection. I give affection. But only on my terms. And only as much as I can handle. Oh and not from just anyone, of course. That's full of sh!t and unfair, right? I suppose it is...

I'm not into sending a lot of text messages. Girls always want to hear from the guys in their lives throughout the day. They want to know where they are all the time and read words of love on their cellphones all the time. I'm not like that. I probably won't SMS a guy throughout the day when I'm at work. At all. I don't expect any messages either. Things can change though, I know that. People, situations and relationships are all different.

I am a time freak. (Does that make any sense?). If someone asks me to be somewhere at 7pm, I want to be there at 7pm. I hate being late. I hate when things don't go as planned. I hate it when people are slow, when they seem to think they have all the time in the world but really we're already late. It frustrates me! It drives me nuts! But really... I need to learn to handle it better. I need to realize that things will go wrong. I need to realize that even though everything doesn't always go as planned or on time, it's not the end of the world. And that most of the time, people don't even realize it. And so I'm learning. Slowly but surely. I'm better already... (Most of the time). I even know where I get it from, it's pretty funny. My Grandfather. The Military men are set on time management I swear.

I'm way more sexual than I thought. (TMI? Get over it.) I love sex. I love everything surrounding sex. I love enjoying myself. I love being enjoyed. Does that make sense? I love exploring. I love getting to know what I like and what I don't like. I love getting to know my own body. I love learning new things and teaching new things. I love building confidence. My own as well as my lover's. I love not wearing clothes. I love that I'm really trying to be more comfortable in my own skin. I love that I'm working on my body for ME, not for anyone else. I love that I am good enough to be considered sexy and hot and amazing, even though I don't have a size 6 figure or less. It's all in the mind. It's all in the confidence and personality. Yes, I do feel self-conscious, most of the times, but I learn to get over it. Even if it's just for a while.

I love that I'm safe as well. I love that's all about what I decide and not anyone else. I love that I am in control of my own time, my own body and my own feelings. Or at least, I try. I'm not irresponsible. I don't sleep around with every Tom, Dick & Harry (Contrary to popular belief I've heard). Is that the normal thing to think when a girl is single and sexually confident? Who's to say I even sleep with anyone?! ... Let me just bite my tongue a bit for now. I don't want to lose my temper just yet ...

I am learning so much about myself. I love it. I need it. I'm also learning what I want to change and what I want to keep. What is good and what is bad. I want to know what I want out of a relationship, a friendship, as well as life. And it's all up to me. I get to choose. I get to fcuk it up or make it great. Pressure? Kinda!

Hahahahahahaha

My dreams are going wild

These past two nights I have had the strangest dreams. I don't dream that much, that I can recall, but when I do, it tends to stick out. It tends to 'haunt' me in a way. I'm not sure if there are meanings behind dreams, I'm sure there is, but it's really hard to read into it. Dreams have so much to do with our subconscious mind, sometimes it's scary. Sometimes you find out that things in your life can bother you more than you realize, and others not so much.

I had a dream about a gigantic house, almost like a castle. But I mean really really really big. There are more rooms in the house than you can count on your fingers and toes together. The area around the house is just as huge, with immaculate gardens flowing beautifully towards a crystal clear beach. A private beach I might add. The house is beautifully decorated, but not in a modern way. The whole place is really old, but stunningly historical way. Not really dusty though, as you might expect.

In this dream, I know that I have inherited the whole house and it's surroundings, although I have no idea from who. I walk into the house and I start exploring. While I'm exploring, I come across the stairway to the basement. It's bigger than I expected and very clean, as if it's been used a lot. I go down into the basement/dungeon of the house and find tons and tons of things down there. I found all kinds of creative things that made me really excited, like scrap booking equipment and crafts, all stored and perfectly organized. I found computers, computer programs, DVDs and music Cd's. I found furniture, stunning furniture. I found gadgets and toys and stuffed toys of all shapes and sizes.

The whole basement looked like some sort of Expo full of stuff that interests ME. I loved it!

Somewhere in the dream I decided to open the house for sales. Not to sell the house, but to sell the contents of the basement. It seemed like millions of people pitched up for the sale/'expo'. Everyone was enjoying themselves. There were places to eat and drink, places to relax and places to play games etc. There were a lot of kids as well. At the end of the day I had to get all of the people out of there myself. I had to go to everyone and tell them that we're closing the house down and from then on it will remain a private residence. Only friends and family will be allowed in. To live there. To visit there. It's big enough!

I don't know why I liked the dream so much. It's pretty strange. Probably because there was everything I'd ever want and more...

The other dream that got to me this week included all my friends, and some new friends. There were motorbikes and we were outside most of the time. I found people I used to know and people I am yet to know in all kinds of strange places. I had fun. Somewhere along the line I saw Lassie too, that bothered me a bit. I didn't want to even greet him at first, but I did. He didn't greet me back. Urgh! But all in all, it was fun. I can't remember a lot of details though...

I like dreams!

I wonder... A lot

I've got my Mega back!

I'm back at Mega Ramblings and I love it! I've missed my old blog. I feel like I'm home again. It's comforting. It's familiar. It's me. I have copied and brought over all the relevant posts from the other blog I created. Just to have everything together.

Welcome back Dear Readers. Welcome back ME!

A lot has been going on in my life. I have changed in so many ways and I have been through some random and even harsh things since the last time I've been here. Maybe you'll read about it, maybe not. But as you know by now, hopefully, I blog for myself, not for anyone else. I'm putting myself out there and risking it all. It's a good thing, for me.

It helps keep me sane on most days!

Losing a friend. Sort of.

One of my best girl friends and one of my best guy friends are hooking up. I should be happy right? Wrong. See this happened before. Same guy friend, different girl friend. Me? I was placed on hold. My whole friendship was placed on hold. On standby or something. That's not fair is it? I'm just scared it happens again, and I'm pretty sure it will.

Okay, to be fair, this guy friend and I have known each other for around 5 years now and we've... been more just friends. In the past year. We've had our fun and games and we're open and honest with each other about it. Also, we've put a stop to it, and our friendship survived it. It's awesome. But ... he's like my person. I tell him everything and I ask his advice. I value his opinion in my life, like I would a big brother. Does that seem twisted?

And now... he's gone. Already. They're not even dating yet, but he's gone. Guess that says something about our friendship huh? I'm just worried that this will damage my friendship with my girl friend as well... She knows about what happened between him and I. She knows how close we are... were... It's her choice, right?

It bothers me. A lot. It hurts. Am I being a selfish? I feel like I'm losing a very good friend, just to make another friend happy. I don't find it fair, but I'm too good a person to get between them in any way. I'd rather build a bridge and get over it. Just not today. Tomorrow maybe. I guess I saw it coming though... once he has a girl in his life, I get pushed into the background. I'm only good enough when he's single. As a friend. Or more. It was going to happen sooner or later. That doesn't mean I have to like it though.

I'm just really, really happy for the two of them. I hope something lasting comes out of me trying to get them together. It's up to them now though. They're on their own.

UPDATE: It blew over... TG

Sept 22 - I'm not meant for him. Or him. Or him.

MY friend is certain that when you meet the man that you want to spend the rest of your life with, you'll know. You'll just... know. Everything and everyone else will seem completely meaningless and you will just know. I don't get it. I'm sure it happens... but not all the time.

What happens then, when you meet your future spouse and you just know, and that person doesn't feel the same about you? What then?

I think when you find out much later if you were or were not meant to be together. I mean, if I had stayed with Roald (dumb example, long ago ex) any longer, he wouldn't have met Adri at the right time. They wouldn't have fallen in love and their beautiful little boy wouldn't have come into the world when he did. And just those small things... changes so much in the future. Just like all our actions do. Everyday.

Rambling.

Sept 20 - Dear Lassie. Fcuk You.

I feel so utterly used by you. I don't understand how this came to be. I believed in you. I saw something in you that I haven't seen in someone for a long time. I saw hope, friendship, laughter... The future. I really, really like you. But I really, really like our friendship too. And that's enough for me. Why can't you just be honest with me and tell me that you don't want to be with me? Now or in the future? I'm a big girl. I'm brave and I'm strong. I don't know why you think I cannot handle it, but I can. It will hurt a little, I know that. But that's okay. It's so much better than not knowing. It's so much better than wondering and thinking of you and us and what happened between us.

That glimpse of the real you that I had... was amazing. But it's over now. It's done. I don't know what I did to make you avoid me. I don't know why you see it to be necessary. But it's okay. I accept the words behind your actions. It just doesn't mean I have to like it.

You used me. You got what you wanted and you walked away. I never thought you were that type of guy. I really thought you were better than that. Clearly I was mistaken. You are just like the other guys. Which is sad, really. I hope you find peace in the future, because you definitely haven't found it yet.

Colors!

I love love love bright colors! And these colors are so warm and inviting and positive I could lie on that bed and soak it all up! I imagine friends relaxing with wine in that sitting room with me, laughing and making jokes. I imagine making passionate love on that bright, comfy bed, and relaxing on lazy afternoons with a good book...

Sept 16 - Apparently I'm a bad friend

I told my friends that I would go out with them on the 4th of September. I told them that I don't have the money for it but that I would try and make a plan as best I can. They assured me that they would help me pay. Embarrassing as it is, yes.

We went out with them, Maritz and I, driving our much (else) needed petrol out on a long road that we are terrified of driving on, as my car was written off by a drunk driver on just such a night out, on that road, two years ago.

I was so scared, I started crying, even though nothing happened this time. As we got to our destination and Maritz and I went to withdraw a bit of money, the machine swallowed his bank card, and as we got back to our group of friends, they informed us they were leaving to go to a different place, on the other side of town.

Wait. What?

I drove that terrifying road... for nothing?!

His bank card was swallowed by the ATM... for nothing?!

I was angry. I was uncomfortable. I didn't have even the petrol money to drive to their next destination, and when we get there, we have to pay entrance as well. I doubt they were gonna pay for the both of us, and if they wanted to, I would let them. I hate it. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing.

On our way to the next destination, I sent them a text message that we wouldn't be joining them, for personal and financial reasons, but that they must truly enjoy the rest of the night out. All I got back was - "That's not cool."

Well, guess what, I know that! Having no money for partying is very uncool indeed. Not that you would know how that feels.

A week later, a different group of friends asked me to go out with them, as Maritz was working and I was going to be home alone. I had to share the embarrassing truth with them too, as I really and truly don't have money to go out. At the end of the day, I went out to a club with them. To cover my own ass, I made sure I was there before 9pm. They have a cover charge after 9pm. I made peace with the fact that I was going to enjoy myself for the night, although I'd only be drinking water when I was thirsty, nothing else. My friends that were there took it upon themselves to buy me a couple of drinks out of their own that night. It was very nice of them, but I still felt really awkward. I'm not a charity case. Stop it!

A week after our clubbing night, I found out that the first 2 friends that I had to drop for the rest of the night, is really radically pissed off with me. After seeing the photo's posted on Facebook, they assumed that I just don't want to go out with them or spend time with them.

WTF?!

Why for the love of all things holy would you ever think that of me?! I was looking forward to such a great night on the 4th. I could see it all in my minds eye. You 'dropped' me. To go somewhere else. Somewhere I couldn't go. They are angry at me for not asking them for money. They are angry that I could take money for drinks, which wasn't the case at all, from my other friends but not from them. Like I WANT to?!

I don't know what to do... I apologized for my actions. I apologized to both of them. I apologized that they misinterpreted what I did and misunderstood what I said. They're not talking to me. Well, they're not contacting me. I miss my friend. I'm not used to not hearing from her. I see her at least once a week. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks. I haven't spoken to her in 2 weeks. I don't think I did the wrong thing, but they do. I don't know how to explain myself or make it right.

Do I just ... let it go?

Sept 16 - Suicidal Smiles

Everybody seems to have an opinion about my life and how I should be living it. Everybody wants me to conform to their way of thinking. What I don't get is... Why?!

I'm not like you. You have no idea what I've gone through in life and you have no idea where I'm headed. You don't know what frame of mind I'm in right now, or have been for that matter. You think you know me, but you only know the person I show to you.

A very close friend of mine, who has known me for up to 7 years already, shared a story with me about an old friend of hers who had suicidal tendencies. I came up with the statement, after she told me how shocked she was, although there were small signs, that I don't think you can always tell or foresee if someone is suicidal.

It's horrible to think about, therefore I think people deny it in themselves as well as in others.

She looked me straight in the eyes that night, and told me that she knows for a fact that I have never, and probably will never, entertain suicidal thoughts...

Seriously? Well then, I'm a better liar than I thought.

When asked why, her answer was simple - I'm such a happy, positive, friendly person. Yeah, pretty much. But what she doesn't see is the side of me breaking down. Falling apart. The side of me staring at prescription pills convincing myself that there has to be more to life than this. The side of me waiting, and hoping, for a major car accident. Every single day. But caring more for other people than for myself.

I hate talking about my life or the way I feel. I can't stand the judgements or the questions. I guess that's why I blog. This is me. Take it or leave it. Honestly.

I have these 'selfish' thoughts in my head...

That I need to feel needed. I need to feel loved. Taken care of. Provided for. Understood. Special. That never-ending search is killing me. Breaking me. I hate having to accept that people, in general, are assholes. We hurt the ones we love and who love us. It's just the way of the world. I do it. You do it. They do it. Nobody is innocent. But that still doesn't mean we like or accept it. I know I don't.

Where do I go from here? I'll figure it. I know I will.

P.S. I'm young. I'm single. I love it. Mind your own business. Keep your loved-up opinions to yourselves. Be realistic. Be honest. Be supportive. Listen. Learn. Be my friend. It's not hard, I do it all the time. Or, at least it feels like it...

September 14

I'm not entirely sure what to do with the jumble of words I have inside of me. I'm not entirely sure what to do with this heart ache that I'm walking around with. I feel on the edge of cracking and if someone were to ask whatsup with me, which they don't, I wouldn't even know what to answer. I feel out of control. I feel used. I feel... so confused. It's my own fault I guess. In the end, you can't blame anyone else but yourself, right? That's what they tell me...

Sept 13 - I need to remember this

Sept 13 - Dear Past

...and I hate that I like it.

Do you read me?

I wonder if someone I know reads my blog.

I would be in trouble then I guess.

My honesty exceeds me sometimes.

Oh well. This is me.

Lassie

I don't know how to tell him this. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to react. I hardly know how to contain myself. He makes my heart beat faster. So much faster. He gives me butterflies and he makes me feel like a bloody teenager. I hate it! But I love it. It's interesting and it's new. Who can complain? A lot happened this weekend. We went to the farm and really... explored more than the nature around us.

It was fantastic. I had so much fun! Surprising actually. And now... I have no one to tell this to. His brother etc. is clueless as to what is happening between us. (His brother, by the way, is my best friend, Nico). We prefer it that way, but it's really funny!

He has explained to me, honestly, that he doesn't want any relationship issues at the moment. Understandable. I'm really glad he was honest, though. I know where I stand. No expectations. Just hope. I'll see him again, I hope. But I don't want it to rule my life. Can I help it?

Sept 10 - Three

Sept 10 - The Reason...

... Gerhard

Sept 10 - Confession

(Lassie)

Sept 10 - Bleh

I'm so confused I want to scream. It's no ones fault but my own. I got myself into an emotional mess and I don't know how to get out of it quick enough. I will be fine. I know I will. I just don't know which way is up right now. I'm drowning. But I'll be okay. Soon, I hope.

I don't know how to handle Maritz. He sees what is between us a lot differently than I see it. I feel terrible about it, but I can't help it. I don't know if he's the one for me. I don't know if anyone is at this point. It's not just him, you see, it's anybody. I like where I am now. I like being me. Single. Loving it. No one to answer to but myself. What scares me is that I think I might be keeping him in my life for my own convenience. It's unfair. I hate it. But I know I love him and I want him in my life. I just don't know if I see him in my future. Am I a bad person? Thing is, as I've said, he wants me in his life. The forever kind of want. And it's great. It's flattering. It makes my heart happy. Yet... I feel like running away. I don't always feel like sending him a text message or replying on the ones he sends me. I don't always want to go and visit him or play games with him, but it's okay if he comes over to my place, or sleeps over next to me, holding me, touching me...

I like someone else. I have a crush on this someone. I feel like a damn teenager and it's fun. It's new. It's exciting. I've liked him for years and years, and now... he's back. My crush is back. He was/is my ex-boyfriend's best friend. He got married. He is busy with a divorce. He fascinates me. He attracts me like crazy. I want him. I want to kiss him and touch him and explore him...

TMI? Get over it.

I realize I cannot let something that might just be lust destroy the love that Maritz and I have. Probably why it's so confusing! I'm torn between the two.

Not only that... I miss someone from my past. Lately. I don't know what's going on with me. Could it be my PMS emotional roller coaster for this week? I hope so. This someone from my past phoned me last night. I was close to fast asleep. I told him I miss him. I think it was a big mistake. But I do. I miss him. I miss the good. I don't miss the bad, obviously. The bad is what turned me into the emotional relationship wreck that I am today. I don't want that back, and that's why I think it was a mistake. Sometimes, I hate it that I'm so honest. It tends to bite me in the ass.

I'm confused. Period.