Aug 21, 2009

I'm A L.I.A.R.


Yes. I'm a liar. I lie to myself. I don't lie to friends or family though. I might not tell them everything, but I don't lie to them. Then why do I lie to myself? You know why... Because of the Pandora's Box inside of me. It's such a wonderful thing when I need it. But such a curse when I actually need to handle the sh!t that's inside of it. Okay, did I lose you Dear Reader?

My Pandora's Box is my way of handling my issues. Not a good way I might add. Because I hardly every work through my issues. I just store them in the box until I think I can handle it, then I take it out and work through the specific one I took out, I cry the tears I need to cry, I yell and scream at my pillow or talk it through with a friend (or my cat). Although finding a friend to talk about any of my issues with me is SO hard. We tend to talk about their issues. Not mine. Mine seems too unimportant. Too mundane. That or nobody knows about my issues coz I don't ever share them. My fault. I know.

Thing is, nobody's problems or issues are ever mundane. To them it's MAJOR. To others, sometimes myself included, it might not be so big. I have the knack to analyze a problem and tell someone very quickly to build a bridge and get over it. Okay but then it's not a BIG problem, I'm not a Bitch ya know? (Well not always).

To get to the point...
I saw the ex again on Thursday night. Then I saw him again on Friday night. Thursday night I went to his house to fetch my computer screen. I ended up staying later than intended. I ended up sleeping over. In his bed. With his insistence of course. *AKWARD*
Friday night he called me and asked me to join him and his parents fro drinks and a live band. So I went. Eventually. It was a lovely night. Both nights were lovely. We get along splendidly. We definitely haven't lost our spark. But is that the problem? Or the solution?

It scares me. It confuses me. It delights me. It's unhealthy. I'm quite sure of that. I can't exactly LIVE my single life while falling for my ex all over again? Okay yeah I said it out loud. I'm so sad. Thing is... I need more time. And I know it.

Urgh!!! Please excuse my ramblings! I've been rambling on this post for 4 damn days now so I'm just gonna post and cringe... waiting in anticipation as to what you readers have to say...
Better than nothing right?


Simon said...

We all lie to ourselves, probably more than we lie to others – though ‘deceive ourselves’, or ‘delude ourselves’ would probably be a more accurate way of putting it. So, regarding that, you’re normal.

As to the boyfriend issue, I won’t even make the overused joke about not being able to help you because I’ve never had a boyfriend: the fact is I’ve never been in love, so all the suggestions I can make are based upon the behaviour I’ve seen in others. And 95% of that tells me that the ‘We definitely haven’t lost our spark’ is the problem, not the solution.

I would say that of all the times I’ve seen girls remark on being drawn back to a boyfriend they’ve split up with, if they HAVE got back together, it’s simply broken apart again for exactly the same reasons as before. Either the girl or the boy says he/she will change, but it never lasts. A few weeks, or a few months later, they have split up again.

One of my three illegitimate daughters here at Blogger has just split up with her boyfriend – for the third time in about 3–4 months. Each time it was to be the last time, only to describe the feelings you have. That there is still something there, and that they can overcome the problems that caused the split. But people’s nature rarely changes. I suspect that you’re deceiving yourself if you think that still having that spark is the basis for a return to having a good relationship.

I realise that these bald facts won’t help the emotional confusion you’re experiencing, but you invited your readers to comment, and that’s mine.

Good luck!

(P.S. I see the verification word for this comment is ‘match’ – make of that what you will.)

Jenn(ifer) said...

Aww hunny! :-( Protect your heart.

The Demigoddess said...

It's true what you said about our problems seeming so major to us but to other people, it's mundane. Other people have it worse sometimes, worse than the problems we have. Still, if a friend has a problem--major to me or not--I try to listen and relate. I feel happy knowing my friends seek me out for all stuff big and small. I don't have good advice but I listen anyway.

Mega8815 said...

@Simon - My dear Simon... as always thank you for your wise and kind words. It's true what you say. I think the most confusing thing at the moment is that my head agrees with you completely and is fighting with my heart about it. I see the logic behind stopping everything in its tracks. Believe me I do. I just wish my heart wouldn't be so damn stubborn.

@Jenn - I'm trying sweetie! Thanx!

@Angel - I'm in the same boat there... and I tend to get the friends with the most issues. HAHA!! I don't mind though. I love helping wherever I can.