I want this back...

I do. I really do. What is it about being a long term relationship that fcuks up things like this? Not to mention a lot of the other 'little things' involved in love? Well, the start of love I guess.

Well guess what... 'This' is most likely completely gone from my life within the span of the next couple of hours. I'm waiting for the Boyfriend to come over and 'talk'. He proposed it. Which makes it ten times scarier than it should be. He doesn't 'talk' okay? He makes jokes. He does stupid things. We fight. We argue. We love. Or so I thought. I haven't put my rocky relationship on this blog plainly for the reason that I don't want to admit it to myself, much less other ppl. Is that normal? I don't want to think about the stupid shit. I put it away in Pandora's Box and try my very best to forget about it... I'm a nice person. I like seeing the nice in other ppl. That's the first thing I try to see. The positive side. The good side. But fcuk me around once and there will probably be sh!t to pay. Or you just get written off. As easy as that. It's like that with the boyfriend constantly. I just love him too much to let the little sh!t get to me. To us. So I try my best to forgive and forget. But everytime I want to disicuss some trouble between us, he throws the old sh!t in my face. The sh!t I caused of course. Not the shit he did. He's an Angel. Remember that. His family believe it. He believes it. I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I love him. I can't help it. The sh!t we do to each other is minor. Well, I like to think it's minor. It's not like he cheats on me, hits me or emotionally abuses me. He treats me really well. He does things for me. He lovies me. Well, not enough to my liking but we're working on it. I'm a very touchy-feely person okay? I need good loving. It doesn't mean I need sex all the time (although I won't mind quite frankly), it just means I need to be touched, held, cuddled. That's not too much to ask is it?? Oh well I'm going off topic once again.. well sort of.

So the point, I guess, is that I'm totally confused now. I guess I can't see how I can keep giving this man chance after chance after chance... and he just decides he's had enough. Well I think that's what's happening. Why is he so serious about talking to me? Why is he so stand-offish these past two days? I usually get an 'I love you' back if I send him one... I didn't. 3 times. I didn't. That's not good is it? I'm over-analyzing again huh? It might not be so bad. It might be nothing. It might just be a 'talk'. It might be him being serious about working on 'us'. Yeah that's me talking myself positive again.

So we'll see. Soon. I hope. It's almost 6pm. Where is he? Ok shut up Maryke.