May 23, 2012

Missing: Romance

I just don't know where it disappeared to... Do you think romance comes and goes?  Or perhaps it just depends on the person, the feelings and the situation.  My situation is in limbo.  It feels like it anyway.  I don't want a relationship.  I've said that before.  Or do I just not want a relationship with him?  I don't know anymore.  It's not like there's anyone else.  It's not like I'm even thinking of anyone else, or feeling it.  But I also don't 'feel it' with him.  Am I a horrible person?  I guess I am.  It's like I know I'm ungrateful and just being stupid, but how do I get over it?  Usually I'm really good at building a bridge and getting over my shit, I just don't know if this is shit.  He's such a great guy, he tries so hard, he loves me so much, he does everything for me and treats me like a queen.  His queen.  It seems like he stopped his old tricks and he has no contact with any of his ex-girlfriends or whatever.  So what's my problem?  Why can't I love him as much and why can't I just appreciate him as much?  It's just not there.  It's like my heart closed itself up to him, and as much as I try to force the doors open, the lock is stuck and it won't budge any further.  Am I fooling myself, and him, into thinking that this could be more than it already is?  Sometimes I wish I could just be harsh and tell him all of this.  I wish he could be harsh, for once, and just realize that it's not enough for him and that he wants to find a life apart from me.  It would be somewhat of a relief, to be honest.  But I know him, apparently he thinks I'm enough.  At least, now he does.  And I keep thinking he'll change his mind, but he hasn't yet.  I actually wish he'd change his mind, again.

I know I need to appreciate what he is to me and what he does for me.  I just want more out of it all.  I want to feel more.  I want to do more.  I want... something more.  I want to figure it out.  Or have I already and I just can't admit it to him... or myself?

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