"Fixing It"

There are a lot of things that Gerhard and I are not on the same page about and we finally spoke about it recently.  It wasn't easy.  Why did I think it would be?

I have told him, in all honesty, that I enjoy his company and all that, but that we don’t have a future together.  We have had long conversations about things we don’t agree on.  I’ve made my peace.  I don’t want him as a boyfriend or a lover… ever again.  I don’t think he believes me.  I think he’s still trying to win my heart.  How?  I don’t know.  I don’t have the slightest idea.  Because it’s clearly not working.  I think I’ve been hurt by him too many times.  I think I’ve shut down.  I don't feel the same about him, and I’m okay with that.  I fully realize how horrible it sounds.  I fully realize how heartless it sounds.  What am I suppose to do to make it sound any less?

“The cruelest thing you can do to a person, is pretend they mean more to you than they actually do.”

I try and avoid giving him hope, because I know what false hope feels like, but in retrospect, I think that that’s exactly what I’ve been doing… giving him hope.  False hope.  I’ve been talking to him.  I’ve been spending time with him.  I’ve been sharing a bed with him.  I’ve been allowing him to care for me and do things for me and with me.  I’ve been allowing him to spoil me… and all of that just makes me selfish.

I wish I could say that his apologies meant something to me.  I wish I could go back to the way it used to be.  But I can’t.  No… wait.  It’s not just that I can’t, I don’t want to either.  I’ve had enough.  I don’t trust him.  I don’t respect him.  I don’t want to be with him.  I don’t want to go through all the same feelings.  I don’t want to care.  I don’t want to worry.  I don’t want to … anything, really… with him.

He cares about me, I get that.  I care about him as well.  I wish him only the best in life and all the happiness he deserves.  But that happiness… won’t be coming from me any longer.

I have to admit that I wish I could turn back the clock, or just make everything that has changed inside of me, and him, just disappear.  It really would make things a lot easier, huh?  I would like it to go back to the way it was before ... well, just before.  But it can't.  We can't.

It hurt telling him all this, but I know I'm doing the right thing.  Him and I both deserve more out of a relationship.  Not that we've had a real relationship in probably a years' time, but hey, what else can I call it?

This is where I have to understand now, that I'm alone, single.  And so does he.  Refreshing!